第一篇：英語笑話短文

英語笑話短文

Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells “PIG！” The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “WITCH(女巫)！” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would listen.豬還是女巫

一個男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個女人相向駕車而來。他們相遇時，那個女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬！”那個男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫！”他們繼續(xù)前行。這個男的在下一個路口轉(zhuǎn)彎時，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。要是這個男的能聽懂那個女人的意思就好了?！猂esponse Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee.When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, “It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity.”

Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: “Of course not.After all, I may be wrong.”

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: “If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?”

The winning reply was: “The one nearest the exit.”

答問技巧

衣阿華州奧格根的一位牧師正在與一位教友為一杯咖啡而猜硬幣。別人問他那是否構成賭博行為時，牧師答道：“這僅僅是決定由誰來做一件善事的一種科學方法?！?/p>

當我人問哲學家羅素是否愿意為了他的信仰而獻身時，他答道：“當然不會。畢竟，我可能會是錯的。”

一份報紙組織了一場競賽，為下面的問題征集最佳答案：“如果盧浮宮起了火，而你只能救出一幅畫，你將救出哪一幅？”

獲獎的答案是：“最接近門口的那一幅?！?/p>

————————————————————————————————————————Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared.Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.There was no sign of the lion.“What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” asked the chief.“Forget the damn lion!” he howled.“Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?”

偉大的獵手Jonesie

有個小村莊正為一只吃人的獅子而煩惱。于是，村長派人去請偉大的獵手Jonesie來殺死這只野獸。

獵手躺著等了幾個晚上，但獅子一直沒有出現(xiàn)。最后，他要求村長殺只羊然后把頭皮給他。把羊皮披在身上后，獵人到草原上去等獅子。

半夜，村民被從草原傳來的聲嘶力竭的尖叫聲驚醒。他們小心地靠近后，看到獵手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。沒有獅子出沒的蛛絲馬跡。

“Jonesie，怎么了？獅子在哪？”村長問。

“哪有獅子！”獵人怒吼道，“哪個傻瓜把公牛放出來了？”

————————————————————————————————————————Weather Predict

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?”

The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“Don't know,” he said.“Radio is broken.”

天氣預報

一個電影攝制組在沙漠深處工作.一天,一個印度老人到導演跟前告訴導演說“明天下雨.”第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又來告訴導演說,“明天有風暴.”果然,第二天下了雹暴.“印度人真神,”導演說.他告訴秘書雇傭該印度人來預報天氣.幾次預報都很成功.然后,接下來的兩周,印度人不見了.最后,導演派人去把他叫來了.“我明天必須拍一個很大的場景,”導演說,“這得靠你了.明天天氣如何啊?”

印度人聳了聳肩.“我不知道,”印度人說,“收音機壞了.”

——————————————————————————————————————————I Am Acting Like a Lady

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece.But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.He stood it as long as he could;then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.“You there!” challenged a thrill voice.“Can't you act like a gentleman?”

“Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour.From now on, I am acting like a lady.”我要表現(xiàn)得象位女士

一天，遠東百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給太太買一件。可是，沒過多久，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己已被瘋狂的女人沖得踉踉蹌蹌。

他竭力忍耐著。后來，他低下頭，揮動雙臂，擠過人群。

“你干嘛？”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現(xiàn)得象位紳士嗎？”

“聽著，”他說，“我已經(jīng)象紳士一樣表現(xiàn)了一個小時。從現(xiàn)在起，我要表現(xiàn)得象個女士?！?/p>

第二篇：英語短文笑話(帶翻譯)

1、How much English can you speak?

“Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft.He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around.What's more, he only speaks a few words of English.” The judge looked at the defendant and asked, “How much English can you speak?” The defendant looked up and said, “Give me your wallet!”

中文翻譯

“法官先生，我的當事人被指控偷竊，這是多么不公正啊。他一周前才來到紐約，幾乎不認路。而且，他只會說幾個英語單詞?！?法官看了看被告，問道：“你會說多少英文？” 被告抬起頭，說：“把你的錢包給我！” 2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day.She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.He said, “What?” 丈夫給妻子看了一項調(diào)查結果，為了向她證明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000個字，而女人每天使用30000個。

妻子想了一會兒說，女人每天說的字數(shù)是男人的兩倍，因為她們必須重復已經(jīng)說過的話。他問：“什么？” 3

Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.男孩：這個座位是空的么？

女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。

4、“Tom, what's the matter with your brother?” asked the mother in the kitchen.“He's crying.” “Oh, nothing, Mum,” replied Tom.“I'm eating my cake.He is crying because I won't give him any.” “But has he finished his own cake?” “Yes.” said Tom.“And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.” “湯姆，你弟弟怎么了？” 媽媽在廚房里問。“他在哭?！?“沒事兒，媽媽，” 湯姆答道?！拔以诔晕业牡案?。他哭是因為我不給他吃?！?“他已經(jīng)吃完自己的了么？” “是的。” “我?guī)退酝陼r，他也哭了?！?/p>

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend, “Guess how many coins I have in my pocket.” The friends says, “If I guess right, will you give me one of them?” The first guys says, “If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!” 路人甲對路人乙說，“猜猜我兜里有幾個子兒？” 路人乙說：“我猜對了，你能給我一個不？” 路人甲說：“你要猜對了，我兩個全部給你！”

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的區(qū)別

“I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class,” said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course.“When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down.” 一個教師在研究生工程學課堂上說：“我一眼就能看出來哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。” “我說'下午好'的時候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生則把這句話記在本子上。”

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days? Tom: Every month.爸爸：告訴我湯姆，哪個月有28天呢？ 湯姆：每個月都有?。?/p>

2009-6-4making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that”.Bobby looked up and replied, “Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.” 史密斯小姐發(fā)現(xiàn)她的一名學生在操場上向別人做鬼臉，便去輕責他。

這位主日學校的老師甜甜地微笑著，說：“博比，我小的時候，有人告訴我如果我做鬼臉，我的臉就會僵硬，永遠都那么丑。” 博比抬頭看了看老師，說：“史密斯小姐，你可別說沒人警告過你啊。”

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, “Thanks for the peanuts.” She says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off.”

一名男子帶著朋友去探望他的祖母。

當他和祖母聊天時，他的朋友開始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都給吃光了。他們離開時，他的朋友對祖母說:“謝謝您的花生?！?結果祖母說:“唉！自從我牙齒掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外層的巧克力了?！?/p>

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.“All right, son,” asked the father, “What does that show you?” “Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.” 一位父親打算讓自己的兒子知道酒精有多么可怕。

他把分別把兩只蟲子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做對比。清水里蟲子安然無恙，結果威士忌里的蟲子蜷縮了幾下就掛掉了。

“所以，兒子啊，”父親問道，“得出什么結論？” “恩，這說明，你只要喝酒的話，肚里就不會長蟲了！”

2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.“Doctor,” he said, “you must help me.I swallowed a penny about a month ago.”

“Good heavens, man!” said the doctor.“Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?”

“To tell you the truth, Doctor,” the poor man replied, “I didn't need the money so badly then.”

中文翻譯：

一個看起來很難受的窮人走進大夫的診室。

“大夫！”他說，“幫幫我！一個月前我吞了一分硬幣！”

“天哪，”大夫說，“早干嘛去了？你當時怎么不來看？”

“實話告訴您吧，大夫，”窮人說，“我當時還不缺錢！”

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice? Girl: Must've been once.I never make the same mistake twice.男孩：嗨，我們之前是不是約會過，是一次還是兩次，我忘記了。

女孩：應該只有一次吧，我從不犯兩次同樣的錯誤。

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, “What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?” “To be deaf,” replied the boy.“Nonsense!” said the teacher angrily.“Why, sir!Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?” the boy asked in reply disdainfully.在一次音樂學院的入學考試中，老師問其中一個男孩：“音樂家最重要的生理素質(zhì)是什么？” “耳聾，”男孩答道。

“胡說！”老師氣憤地說。

“怎么了，先生！難道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音樂家貝多芬是個聾子嗎？”男孩輕蔑地反問道。

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.Bartender: “What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?” The man: “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month.” Bartender: “That should make you happy.” The man: “No, the month is up today!” 一個男人坐在酒吧里，傷心至極。

酒吧招待：“你怎么了？跟老婆鬧矛盾了？” 男人：“我們吵了一架，她說一個月都不跟我說話?！?酒吧招待：“那你應該高興才是啊！” 男人：“不，今天是這個月的最后一天?！?/p>

【Laughter】2009-5-27 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.女人找了老公之前都在擔憂未來。男人娶了老婆之前從來不為未來擔憂。

2009-5-26

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.男人想要的東西，要是值1塊錢卻賣2塊，他也會買；而對于女人，即使是不想要的東西，要是值2塊錢卻只賣1塊，她也會買。

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa.“Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.Anybody caught breaking this rule the

2nd time will be fined $60.Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180.Are there any questions?” At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, “Umm...How much for a season pass?” 女生宿舍將全面禁止男生進入，男生宿舍也同樣不得女生光臨。

“不論是誰，一旦違規(guī)，初犯將被罰款20美元。再犯要被罰款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罰款。還有什么疑問么？” 這時人群中一個男同學問道，“那么一個季度通行證需要多少錢？”

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.Patient: It should.I've been practicing all night.醫(yī)生：聽上去你咳嗽今天好多了。

病人：應該如此。我昨晚練習了一整夜。

2009-5-21

Pete: “The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind.” Bob: “Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from.” 皮特：“我上次出去打獵，跌下了很高的懸崖，信不信由你，當我跌落的時候，我腦海里浮現(xiàn)了我做過的所有蠢事?！?鮑勃：“你一定是從萬丈高山上跌落的吧?！?/p>

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime.The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:“I PRAY FOR A BIKE...I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD...” His older brother nudged him and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf.” To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!” 2個男孩與祖父母一起過夜，他們跪在床邊做睡前禱告。弟弟聲嘶力竭地祈禱: “我祈求一輛自行車，一張新DVD……” 哥哥用肘輕推他: “你為什么大喊著祈禱？上帝又不聾?！?弟弟答道:“上帝是不聾，但是奶奶聾。”

2009-5-18

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time.Coming up beside her, he said, “Pull over!” “No,” she replied, “a pair of socks!” 巡警發(fā)現(xiàn)一名婦女邊開車邊織毛衣，便開車上前，說：“靠邊停車(套頭衫)！” “不，” 她回答，“是一雙襪子！”

In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died.The teacher asked a student,“what does this show?”

The student answered,“It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol.”

酒的好處

為了證明酒精對生物的危害，老師把一只蟲子放入裝有酒精的杯子里，蟲子很快就死了。老師問一個學生：“這說明了什么？”

學生答道：“說明人多喝酒，就不會長蟲子。”

1.Teacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?

Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep?

Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.把烏龜換成狼

老師：有些同學開始驕傲了，大家還記得龜兔賽跑的故事嗎。小明，你說說看，兔子為什么輸給烏龜？

小明：因為它睡覺了。

老師：對極了！我們應該怎么做才能讓兔子不睡覺呢？

小明：把烏龜換成狼！

Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion.So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared.Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide.Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture.As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain.There was no sign of the lion.“What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?” asked the chief.“Forget the damn lion!” he howled.“Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?” 偉大的獵手Jonesie

有個小村莊正為一只吃人的獅子而煩惱。于是，村長派人去請偉大的獵手Jonesie來殺死這只野獸。

獵手躺著等了幾個晚上，但獅子一直沒有出現(xiàn)。最后，他要求村長殺只羊然后把頭皮給他。把羊皮披在身上后，獵人到草原上去等獅子。

半夜，村民被從草原傳來的聲嘶力竭的尖叫聲驚醒。他們小心地靠近后，看到獵手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。沒有獅子出沒的蛛絲馬跡。

“Jonesie，怎么了？獅子在哪？”村長問。

“哪有獅子！”獵人怒吼道，“哪個傻瓜把公牛放出來了？”

————————————————————————————————————————

Weather Predict

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm.“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.Finally the director sent for him.“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I'm depending on you.What will the weather be like?”

The Indian shrugged his shoulders.“Don't know,” he said.“Radio is broken.” 天氣預報

一個電影攝制組在沙漠深處工作.一天,一個印度老人到導演跟前告訴導演說“明天下雨.”第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又來告訴導演說,“明天有風暴.”果然,第二天下了雹暴.“印度人真神,”導演說.他告訴秘書雇傭該印度人來預報天氣.幾次預報都很成功.然后,接下來的兩周,印度人不見了.最后,導演派人去把他叫來了.“我明天必須拍一個很大的場景,”導演說,“這得靠你了.明天天氣如何啊?”

印度人聳了聳肩.“我不知道,”印度人說,“收音機壞了.”

——————————————————————————————————————————

I Am Acting Like a Lady

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece.But he soon found himself being battered by

frantic women.He stood it as long as he could;then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.“You there!” challenged a thrill voice.“Can't you act like a gentleman?”

“Listen,” he said, “I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour.From now on, I am acting like a lady.”

我要表現(xiàn)得象位女士

一天，遠東百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給太太買一件?？墒?，沒過多久，他發(fā)現(xiàn)自己已被瘋狂的女人沖得踉踉蹌蹌。

他竭力忍耐著。后來，他低下頭，揮動雙臂，擠過人群。

“你干嘛？”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現(xiàn)得象位紳士嗎？”

“聽著，”他說，“我已經(jīng)象紳士一樣表現(xiàn)了一個小時。從現(xiàn)在起，我要表現(xiàn)得象個女士?！?/p>

第三篇：英語笑話

英語笑話

笑話一：A woman gets on a bus with her baby.The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”(某女士帶著寶寶坐公交車。司機說：“這是我見過最丑的寶寶。噢!”該女走到車廂后部坐下來，正惱怒得七竅生煙。她對鄰座的男子說：“那司機剛才辱罵我!”男子說：“你過去讓他滾——去吧，我會幫你把這猴子看好的?！?

笑話二：Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.” Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there.And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.” And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”(福爾摩斯和華生出去露營。他們在星空下支起帳篷然后入睡了。半夜時分，福爾摩斯叫醒華生，說：“華生，抬頭看看天空，然后告訴我你看到了什么。”華生答道：“我看見了數(shù)以百萬計的星星。”福爾摩斯說：“那你從這可以推斷出什么結果呢?”華生又答：“哦，如果有幾百萬顆星星的話，即使里面只有少數(shù)的一些行星，那么就有可能存在像地球那樣的行星。如果有像地球那樣的行星，那上面就可能會有生命存在?！备柲λ梗骸叭A生你這個白癡，這意味著有人偷了俺們的帳篷。”

笑話三：Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps, “My friend is dead!What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down.I can help.First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”(兩個獵人在樹林里，這時其中一人倒下地。這人似乎已經(jīng)沒有呼吸，眼睛也呆滯無神。另一個家伙拿出電話呼叫應急服務。他氣喘吁吁地說：“我的朋友掛了!我該怎么辦?”話務員說：“冷靜點，我可以幫你。首先，要確認他死了?！睂Ψ皆陔娫捓锇察o下來，然后聽到一聲槍響。那廝拿回電話：“搞定了，現(xiàn)在該干嘛了?”)

第四篇：英語笑話

1.A boy swore to a girl: 'Honey, do please marry me, otherwise I'll die'

The girl refused.Sixty years later, the boy died.一男生向一女生發(fā)誓：親愛的，請你一定要嫁給我，不然我會死掉的女孩拒絕了。六十年后，那個男生死掉了。

2.Teacher: Johnny, why are you late for school every morning?

Johnny: Every time I come to the corner, a guidepost（路牌，路標）says, 'School--Go Slow' 老師：約翰，為什么你每天早上都遲到呢？

約翰：每次我走到街角的時候，都有一塊路牌寫著：“學校-小心慢行”

3.Teacher: Tom, why are you so late for school tdoay? And where is your homework book? Tom: Sorry, Miss.I met a robber on my way to school this morning...Teachse: Oh, My Gosh!So terrible!Did he robber anything from you?

Tom: He...he robbed my homework book....老師：湯姆，你今天為什么遲到這么久？還有你的家庭作業(yè)本呢？

湯姆：對不起，老師，我今天在上學的路上遇上了一個搶劫犯……

老師：噢，天哪！太糟糕了！他搶了你什么東西沒有？

湯姆：他……他搶走了我的家庭作業(yè)本……

4.A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him.She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.Wow, she thought, this crab is really special.I can't let him get away.So they got married immediately.The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset.“What happened?” she asked.“ You used to walk straight before we were married.”

“Oh, honey, ” he replied, “I can't drink that much every day.一只雄蟹遇到一只雌蟹，便要娶她為妻。她注意到他走路是直著走，而不是橫著走。哇！她想，這只雄蟹可真特別，我可不能讓他跑了。因此他們立刻結婚了。

第二天，她又發(fā)現(xiàn)她的新郎像其他蟹一樣橫著走路了。她深感不安?！澳阍趺戳耍俊彼龁?，“我們結婚前你可是直著走路的?！?/p>

“哦，寶貝，”他回答說，“我不可能每天都喝那么多Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member.One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency.I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student.When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me.”You'll get that degree, dear,“ she whispered.”Perseverance is a virtue.“美 德

獲取研究生學位多年以后，我回到位于賓翰頓的紐約州立大學當教員。一天，電梯里很擁擠，有人抱怨電梯效率太低。我說自我在那里當學生起，20年來電梯一直沒有換過。

最后當電梯門打開時，我感到有人在我的背上同情地拍了一下，回過頭來我看到一位年長的修女正在朝我微笑?！澳銜玫綄W位的，親愛的，”她低聲說道：“堅持不懈是一種美德?！?/p>

1.和買驢的人

A man wanted to buy an ass.He went to the market, and saw a likely one.But he wanted totest him first.So he took the ass home, and put him into the stable with the other asses.The new ass looked around, and immediately went to choose a place next to the laziest ass inthe stable.When the man saw this he put a halter on the ass at once, and gave him back to

his owner.The owner felt quite surprised.He asked the man, ”Why are you back so soon? Haveyou tested him already?“ ”I don't want to test him any more,“ replied the man, ”From thecompanion he chose for himself, I could see what sort of animal he is.“

中文：一個買主到市場上去買驢，他看中一頭外表不錯的驢，但是他想要牽走試一試。他把驢牽回家，放

在自己其他的驢之間，這驢四處看看，立即走向一頭好吃懶做的驢旁邊。于是，買驢的人立刻給那頭驢套

上轡頭，牽去還給驢的賣主。賣主感到很奇怪，他問買主：“你怎么這么快就回來了？”買主說：“不必

再試了，從他所選擇什么樣的朋友來看，我已經(jīng)知道他是什么樣了?！?/p>

2.The Looney Bin

瘋?cè)嗽?/p>

Late one night at the insane asylum(瘋?cè)嗽海﹐ne inmate shouted, ”I am Napoleon!“

Another one said, ”How do you know?“

The first inmate said, ”God told me!“

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, ”I did not!“

一天晚上，在瘋?cè)嗽豪铮粋€病人說：”我是拿破侖！“另一個說：”你怎么知道？“第一個人說：”上帝對

我說的！“一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來：”我沒說！“

Notes:

（1）Looney(俚語）瘋子

（2）inmate（n.同住者,同室者(特指在醫(yī)院、監(jiān)獄)）

（3）insane asylum(瘋?cè)嗽海?/p>

3.A mother mouse

老鼠的第二語言也重要

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she

spotted a cat crouched behind a bush.She watched the cat, and

the cat watched the mice.Mother mouse barked fiercely, ”Woof, woof, woof!“ The cat

was so terrified that it ran for it's life.Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, ”Now, do you

understand the value of a second language?“

一只母老鼠帶著孩子出來散步，突然她看見一只貓正在灌木叢中虎視耽耽。

母老鼠向著貓叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，貓聽了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。

母老鼠回過頭洋洋自得的對孩子說：“現(xiàn)在你知道外語的重要性了吧?！?/p>

1、Life after death死后重生

”Do you believe in life after death?“ the boss asked one of his employees.”Yes, Sir.“ the new recruit replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine,“ the boss went on.”After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.“你相信人能死后重生嗎？”老板問他的一個員工。

“我相信，先生”。這位剛上班不久的員工回答。

“哦，那還好”。老板接著說。

“你昨天提早下班去參加你祖母的葬禮后，她老人家到這兒看你來了。”

2、Talking clock

會說話的鐘

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.“How's it work?”

“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot!It's two o'clock in the morning!”

一個學生帶他朋友們參觀他的新公寓，甚是得意?！澳莻€大銅鑼和錘子是干什么用的？”他的一個朋友問他。“那玩意兒厲害了，那是一個會說話的鐘”，學生回答?！斑@鐘怎么工作的”，他的朋友問。“看著，別眨眼了”，那學生走上前一把操起銅鑼和錘子，拼命地敲了一下，聲音震耳欲聾。突然，他們聽到隔壁墻那邊有人狂叫，“別敲了，你這白癡！現(xiàn)在是凌晨兩點鐘了！”

3、Pig or Witch

豬還是女巫

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.A woman is driving down the same road.As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells “PIG！” The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, “WITCH(女巫)！” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would listen.一個男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個女人相向駕車而來。他們相遇時，那個女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬！”那個男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫！”他們繼續(xù)前行。這個男的在下一個路口轉(zhuǎn)彎時，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。要是這個男的能聽懂那個女人的意思就好了。

4、Blind Date

相親（笑話）

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.”“Thank heavens,” his date replied.“If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!”

和相親對象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出一副陰沉的表情，說：“有個不幸的消息，我的祖父剛剛?cè)ナ懒??！薄爸x天謝地！”他的約會對象說，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”

5、The Mean Man's Party

吝嗇鬼的聚會

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, “Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.When the door open, push with your foot.”

“Why use my elbow and foot?”

“Well, gosh,” was the reply, “You're not coming empty-handed, are you?”

一個聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎么找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了后，再用你的腳把門推開?！?/p>

“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢？”

“天哪！” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會空著手來吧？”

一、我們什么也沒留下We Left Nothing

Mrs Brown was going out for the day.She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: “NOBODY HOME.DON?T LEAVE ANYTHING.” When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked.On the note she had left, she found the following message added:“THANKS!WE HAVEN?T LEFT ANYTHING!” 我們什么也沒留下

布朗太太要外出一天。她鎖好了房門，在門上給送牛奶的人釘了一張便條：“家里沒人，請不要留下任何東西！” 她當天晚上回家后發(fā)現(xiàn)房間門被撞開，房子被洗劫一空。在她留給送奶人的便條上，她發(fā)現(xiàn)被補充了一句：“謝謝！我們什么也沒留下！”

我去應聘時，考官是一漂亮小姐，一緊張我說了如下內(nèi)容：

二、“My name is ?old five wang?”（我叫王老五）

“I boom（炸出）at 1971year！”（我生于1971年）※born我念成了boom，反正很像?！癕y toyear is 28year”（今年28歲）※事后才知today是今天，但今年不是toyear?！癕y home have a papa and a mama and a didi”（家里有爸媽跟一個弟弟）※其實我知道弟弟要用brother，但因念太順了，所以念成didi。

“and a uncle and a young watch sister and a old watch sister live with us”（還有一個叔叔與一個表妹一個表姐跟我們住在一起）※事后才知表姐表妹都錯了，watch是表沒錯，但是watch是指手表?？墒俏野l(fā)誓讀書時英文沒教過表姐妹的英文。

“my interest is sing song、see movie、xxxx do computer and push horse road”（我的興趣是唱歌、看電影、操作電腦和壓馬路）※我念到操作電腦時，她有咦的一聲，這小姐會不會聽不懂。后來我才知道英文罵人的“操”字跟“操作”的字是不同的。

“my special long is up internet、sales、play power move

game and beat word”（我的專長是上網(wǎng)、業(yè)務、玩電動玩具和打字）

“In the future I hope can go round travel world and help everybody all very happy”（在未來我希望能去環(huán)游世界和能幫助每一個人都很快樂）

“thank you and over！”（謝謝！完了！）

那小姐整整愣了一分鐘。

三、Next time that you think you?re having a bad day

The average cost of rehabilitate one seal after the Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively-saved animals were released into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.A minute later, a killer whale ate them both.阿拉斯加瓦爾迪茲發(fā)生石油泄漏以后，救援每只海豹的平均費用達到8萬美元。在一個特別的儀式上面，有兩只花巨款拯救回來的海豹，在人們的歡呼和掌聲中被放回大自然。一分鐘后，它們雙雙被一頭殺人鯨吞入肚中。

四、Blind Date(相親）

After being with her all evening, the man couldnt take another minute with his blind date.Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,“I have some bad news.My grandfather just died.”“Thank heavens,” his date replied.“If yours hadnt, mine would have had to!”

和相親對象呆了一晚上后,男人再也受不了了.他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話,這樣他就能借故先離開了.當他回到桌邊,他垂下眼睛,裝出一副陰沉的表情,說：“有個不幸的消息,我的祖父剛剛?cè)ナ懒?”

“謝天謝地！”他的約會對象說,“如果你的祖父不死,我的祖父就得死了！”

...五、小男孩與驢子 A Small Boy and a Donkey

A small boy leading a donkey passed by an Army camp.A couple of soldiers wanted to have some fun with the lad.What are you holding onto your brother so tight for, sonny? asked one of them.So he wont join the army,英語笑話帶翻譯 the youngster replied without blinking an eye.一個小男孩牽著頭驢子穿過部隊營房.兩名士兵想跟小家伙開個玩笑：小孩,你把你哥哥牽得這么緊干什么？

這樣,他就不會去參軍了.小家伙眼都不眨地回答道.

第五篇：英語笑話

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.He gasps, “My friend is dead!What can I do?”.The operator says “Calm down.I can help.First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”

簡單翻譯:

兩個獵人在森林里打獵,突然甲倒下了.并且看上去不再呼吸了,眼睛也變得呆滯.乙趕緊拿起電話打給救護中心,上氣不接下氣的說:“我的朋友死了,怎么辦?.”

服務人員說:“淡定,我有辦法.首先,我們嘚確保他是死了.” 安靜了一會兒,電話里響起了一陣槍聲,電話那頭乙說道:“好了,那接下來怎么辦.”

下面是被評選世界第二搞笑的笑話：

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there.And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

簡單翻譯:甲乙一起去野營.他倆在星光下搭好帳篷然后睡去.半夜的某時,甲叫醒乙:“抬頭看看那些星星,然后告訴我你發(fā)現(xiàn)了什么?”乙:“我看見好多好多的星星.”

甲:“如此你能推斷出什么結論?”

乙回答道:“嗯...假如天上有無數(shù)的恒星,而且其中一些有自己的行星,那么很有可能就會有像地球一樣的星球存在.假如有像地球一樣的星球存在,那里還可能存在生物.”

甲無語:“你個SB.這說明有人偷了我們的帳篷.”