第一篇：申請美國大學(xué)的文書素材選擇

申請美國大學(xué)的文書素材選擇（2016版）

在每個申請季，AADPS的老師們總會發(fā)現(xiàn)不少意圖申請一流美國大學(xué)的中國高中生不知道如何選擇寫進(jìn)留學(xué)文書里面的素材。雖然他們在國內(nèi)早已接受過長達(dá)數(shù)十年的中文作文訓(xùn)練，面對千奇百怪的美國大學(xué)留學(xué)文書題目仍然力有不逮。有的時候，當(dāng)他們回憶起自己之前的生活時，感覺腦中一片空白，似乎沒有任何東西值得一寫。另一些時候，他們想起了過去的種種酸甜苦辣：

「我參加了一次去南極的旅行」

「我在美國的寄宿家庭里度過了很愉快的時光」

「我去云南參加了一次中草藥的考察」

「我舉辦了學(xué)校本年度的亞洲文化祭」

「我創(chuàng)立了我們學(xué)校第一個滑板社」

面對這一個接一個的成就，他們往往不知道如何取舍，恨不得一股腦兒全部塞到短短的留學(xué)文書里去。但是單憑數(shù)百英文單詞，想把一個故事的來龍去脈說清楚尚且不易，所以最終的結(jié)果成了一篇什么都寫了一點(diǎn)，但什么都沒說清楚的流水賬。

另外一個方面來說，留學(xué)文書選材的重要性，其實(shí)是在逐年提升的。陳欣老師每年都要帶著AADPS的老師們把所有重要的美國大學(xué)文書題目全部過一遍，也因此發(fā)現(xiàn)了一個明顯的大趨勢：文書題目正在從對空的論述（后面提到的第四象限）轉(zhuǎn)向務(wù)實(shí)的記敘（后面提到的第一象限，當(dāng)然再扭過一點(diǎn)就到第二象限去了）。這種變化，據(jù)我們推斷，也是因?yàn)樯暾埲藬?shù)近年來的穩(wěn)步增長，讓學(xué)校意識到之前天馬行空式文書的一些弊端——很多人有真才實(shí)學(xué)，但反而不好在這方面體現(xiàn)；而有些人擅長于在寫作上發(fā)揮，但是被學(xué)校錄取之后實(shí)際能力卻不相匹配。所以用大白話說，學(xué)校想踏踏實(shí)實(shí)的了解：你是誰？從哪里來？到哪里去？

留學(xué)申請象限

AADPS的老師們認(rèn)為，引人入勝的留學(xué)文書，首先要構(gòu)筑在豐滿動人的素材基礎(chǔ)上。這就是為什么我們提倡每位學(xué)生在開始正式的寫作前都要有一個從一天到數(shù)天不等的頭腦風(fēng)暴過程。通過把自己以往的經(jīng)歷在紙面上充分整理，并嘗試?yán)昧魧W(xué)申請象限來進(jìn)行定位，學(xué)生們將能更好的了解自身優(yōu)勢和劣勢，在此基礎(chǔ)上進(jìn)行素材的挑選和分配。

對學(xué)生而言，他在網(wǎng)申系統(tǒng)里所填寫的每一項(xiàng)活動和其他特殊情況都可以在留學(xué)申請象限上找到一個相應(yīng)的點(diǎn)。這個點(diǎn)橫軸上越靠右，代表此經(jīng)歷對學(xué)生自身的影響越大。與之相對的，縱軸上越向上，說明此經(jīng)歷對學(xué)生周圍人的影響越大。在兩軸交匯的位置，代表整體中國申請者的平均水平。整體上來看，橫軸和縱軸將整個平面分成了四個象限，逆時針編號下來分別是第一象限（探索者）、第二象限（領(lǐng)袖）、第三象限（凡人）和第四象限（哲學(xué)家）。

橫軸（自我影響）刻度

?300: 極為特殊的身份—黃黑混血兒

?250: 父母特殊情況—市級干部、上市公司高管

?150: 特殊的成長環(huán)境—父母過世、孤兒、家暴受害者、殘疾、非中國籍（發(fā)展中國家）?100: 特殊的成長環(huán)境—逆境、人生變故、重大疾病、非中國籍（母語非英語的發(fā)達(dá)國家）?80: 堅(jiān)持了五年以上的特殊習(xí)慣

?70: 父母影響—校友、大學(xué)教授、企業(yè)家、子承父業(yè) ?50: 自身特殊情況—不同的性取向、嚴(yán)重但不致命的錯誤 ?45: 人生感悟及跨文化經(jīng)歷 ?20: 堅(jiān)持了一年以上的特殊習(xí)慣 ?10: 豐富的日常生活—實(shí)習(xí)、樂團(tuán)

?-5: 日常生活—參加SAT考試、學(xué)習(xí)物理

?-20: 無意義的日常生活—家務(wù)勞動、體育運(yùn)動 ?-50: 無意義的日常生活—吃飯、喝水

請注意即便是完全相同的經(jīng)歷，對于不同人的影響可能是截然相反的。學(xué)生需要依據(jù)自身的主觀感受對每一經(jīng)歷的橫坐標(biāo)進(jìn)行修正。

縱軸（他人影響）刻度

?200: 影響了數(shù)萬人—少年作家

?100: 影響了萬人—正規(guī)國際比賽獎項(xiàng) ?60: 影響了五千人—正規(guī)國家比賽獎項(xiàng) ?40: 影響了千人—三好學(xué)生、校報編輯

?30: 影響了百人—社團(tuán)創(chuàng)始人、有成果的社區(qū)服務(wù)、網(wǎng)絡(luò)意見領(lǐng)袖 ?20: 影響了數(shù)十人—活動領(lǐng)導(dǎo)

?-5: 影響了十人—幫助同學(xué)解答問題、支教、募捐

?-20: 影響了至親或死黨—家務(wù)勞動、戀愛、疾病、體育運(yùn)動 ?-50: 私生活—吃飯、喝水

象限

每一個經(jīng)歷的坐標(biāo)在確定以后，將落在四個象限中的一個，按照逆時針順序，我們有： 1.探索者(Adventurer)：這是最優(yōu)先出現(xiàn)在留學(xué)文書中的素材。在這樣的經(jīng)歷里，學(xué)生既對周圍的世界產(chǎn)生的巨大影響，自身也同時有了極大轉(zhuǎn)變，因此會非常有話可說。一般的美國大學(xué)申請者均需要找出兩三個落在此象限中的事例，并優(yōu)先用在重要性較大的留學(xué)文書中（例如Common申請系統(tǒng)的主文書）。絕大部分的文書題目期待的也是這種類型經(jīng)驗(yàn)的分享。2.領(lǐng)袖(Leader)：在這一類型的素材里學(xué)生自身的存在感差了一些，但是他為身邊人群所付出的努力已被證明是有充分回報的。一般多元化并強(qiáng)調(diào)政治正確的公立大校會希望通過專門的題目來了解申請者在這方面的情況。

3.凡人(Everybody)：普通人在大多數(shù)時候的生存狀態(tài)。無論是作者還是讀者都很了解，所以一般沒有必要再大肆渲染了。偶爾有留學(xué)文書題目會涉及到相關(guān)的情況，大多數(shù)情況照實(shí)回答即可。例外的是對自己留級、違紀(jì)或?qū)掖无D(zhuǎn)學(xué)等負(fù)面情況的解釋，這是需要仔細(xì)考慮的。4.哲學(xué)家(Philosopher)：對于非同尋常的狀況，一定有必要解釋清楚并體現(xiàn)在自身成長中發(fā)生的作用。但即便是私人獨(dú)有想法和見解，仍不失為一種對核心申請文書的很好補(bǔ)充，能夠更加立體的呈現(xiàn)學(xué)生形象。強(qiáng)調(diào)博雅教育(liberal arts education)精英名校很希望通過留學(xué)文書這一途徑來考察申請者的思維深度和與學(xué)校文化的契合度。

案例

為幫助讀者更好的理解如何把自身的經(jīng)歷映射到留學(xué)申請象限上，下面給出一些示例素材以及所對應(yīng)的坐標(biāo)值：

?(170, 25)：學(xué)生的父親是一名救火隊(duì)員，后英勇殉職。學(xué)生一開始不能理解這種選擇，但在隨后的數(shù)月里逐漸意識到了他父親所代表的「責(zé)任感」的深刻意義，于是身體力行，在學(xué)業(yè)上、家庭上和社區(qū)服務(wù)上都有了一定的成就。橫軸在150的基礎(chǔ)上考慮到父親的職業(yè)背景酌情增加。縱軸依據(jù)活動的客觀影響力界定在20與30之間。

?(80, 60)：學(xué)生組織興趣社團(tuán)翻譯冷門的時政海外新聞，運(yùn)營自己的公眾號和網(wǎng)站。注意一般情況下縱坐標(biāo)這塊沒有這么高，是因?yàn)榍腥朦c(diǎn)比較討巧，美國學(xué)校會欣賞，無形中加大了活動在他們心中的分量。

?(20, 60)：學(xué)生自小參加國家級合唱團(tuán)，參與過數(shù)百場國內(nèi)外演出，與老師和同學(xué)們結(jié)下了深厚友情。橫軸考慮到是一個長期習(xí)慣，本應(yīng)該在80左右，但合唱本身還是比較常規(guī)的活動，而且再加上僅僅是團(tuán)體活動中的一分子，所以要減小到20?？v軸也是考慮到經(jīng)歷本身的性質(zhì)也由國際性影響力的80基準(zhǔn)值減小到60。

?(80, 40)：學(xué)生隨研究機(jī)構(gòu)在西部志愿并義務(wù)發(fā)放藥品，意外的發(fā)現(xiàn)藥品的原材料即是產(chǎn)自當(dāng)?shù)?。本身材料比較中規(guī)中矩，但橫軸加了20分是因?yàn)檫@個研究機(jī)構(gòu)剛出了中國第一個科研方面的諾貝爾獎。

?(80, 0)：學(xué)生在國內(nèi)上的大學(xué)，從計算機(jī)換到醫(yī)學(xué)，然后發(fā)現(xiàn)不大喜歡就gap然后直接申請轉(zhuǎn)到美國學(xué)校學(xué)數(shù)學(xué)。屬于乖乖女的類型，唯一能說得上的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)力體現(xiàn)是在高中階段競選上了班長。在充分發(fā)揮這一點(diǎn)的基礎(chǔ)上，我們利用了中美醫(yī)學(xué)院性質(zhì)的不同，凸顯了學(xué)生的優(yōu)秀，把本來可能被認(rèn)為是負(fù)面影響的轉(zhuǎn)專業(yè)經(jīng)歷處理成了學(xué)生的最大優(yōu)勢。

?(60, 10)：因?yàn)榧彝ネ顿Y的緣故，學(xué)生要橫跨半個美國安排一次搬家，也要代替語言不通的母親和當(dāng)?shù)氐姆繓|一一溝通租一個滿意的house。遇到的逆境在橫軸上加分不少，也特別注意了強(qiáng)調(diào)對自己家庭責(zé)任感和溝通能力的培養(yǎng)，因此縱軸也有一些加成。?(40,-5)：學(xué)生處在青春叛逆期，但在去美國首都參觀的過程中被國父們的進(jìn)取精神所感染，最終浪子回頭并發(fā)奮圖強(qiáng)。作為相對重要的人生感悟在橫軸上可能有30左右，但是加上國際化視角有一點(diǎn)適當(dāng)?shù)募臃?。對他人的影響力基本上就可以忽略不計了?/p>

?(10,-20)：學(xué)生小時候在家長的嚴(yán)加管教下練習(xí)鋼琴，最終考到了業(yè)余九級，回頭看來非常感謝父母對自己品格的磨煉。橫軸考慮到學(xué)生現(xiàn)在并未把音樂作為事業(yè)，也中斷了練習(xí)，且申請者中有音樂才能是一件很普遍的事情，最終只能有10左右?？v軸考慮到?jīng)]有具體例子證明美德后續(xù)的發(fā)揚(yáng)，也沒有參加任何正規(guī)樂團(tuán)表演，就會落到平均水平以下。

第二篇：美國大學(xué)申請文書

Short Answer

Please select three of the following five prompts and provide a response of approximately 150 words to each.Your responses will be read by Notre Dame admissions counselors as we seek to learn more about you.We encourage you to use personal examples, anecdotes, or anything that helps differentiate you from your peers.1.Undergraduates at Notre Dame have the opportunity to engage in original research where they strive to make a professional contribution in their field.A typical summer grant of $5,000 enables students to pursue their passions in a full range of disciplines: from the arts, humanities and architecture to science, engineering and business.If you were given a $5,000 grant to study a topic, what would you choose to research and why?

Doing a research on Iphone4's successful marketing in China must be interesting.The Apple Company has been looking for innovative ways to meet new and existing consumer’s needs.The model before Iphone4 did not sell well in China.However, Iphone4 has achieved a great increase in consumer demand.I can see Iphone4 everywhere in China.It was even sold out immediately after it appeared in the on-line Apple store.There must be some secrets of the new selling model of Iphone4.I would spend the grant to find the answer.2.Notre Dame’s mission statement emphasizes an education should “create a sense of human solidarity and concern for the common good that will bear fruit as learning becomes service to justice." Describe an experience that engaged you both intellectually and morally.I had an experience ofbeing a volunteer in a library for two months.I felt proud of myselfdoing the job.I looked for books for readers, and helped the librarians with their work.It was just different to be avolunteer from a reader in the library, for serving the public made me happier and trained me to be more polite.3.Many people form a list of once-in-a-lifetime activities to accomplish.For example, individuals on the admissions staff hope to visit all the national parks, publish a fiction novel or waddle with penguins in Antarctica.What are a few of the items on your list?

I'm interested in many things.Ifthere were some once-in-a-lifetime activities to accomplish, then building a band would be the first choice on my list.I love music and playing the piano.It would be gorgeous to work with several friends sharing the same ambition and dream.The second thing may be travelling abroad.I believe that travelling is a way and part of learning.It would be even moreamazing to have experience living and studying in a different country, even only once, in my lifetime.4.You have 150 words.Take a risk.The willingness to take a risk demonstrates a positive attitude to life.Whatever the result is, the process and mood in taking a risk are more attractive.When I was traveling in Thailand with my parents at the age of five, I decided to take a flight in a special fire balloon linked by a rope to a speedboat.The tour guide said I was the youngest one ever to take that flight.Without any fear or hesitation, I flew into the intoxicating sky.The boat fast moving, the sea breeze swaying, and the golden sunshine setting off the greenish orchid sea constituted a view like paradise.The flying experience was glorious and I was totally immersed in that exciting delight.Growing up, I now understand that only by taking a risk can I see what other people cannot see and enjoy what they cannot enjoy.5.Why are you interested in attending the University of Notre Dame?

The University of Notre Dame first came into my mind when I saw the movie Rudy in my middle school.The fascinating view of the Notre Dame campus and the combatant spirit of the football team were so appealing to me that I decided at once to plan to pursue my academic enthusiasm in this university.The fairy tale about Rudy, the ocean of knowledge and courage it has, the Mendoza College of Business with its traditions and teaching of values and morals, all attract me..I am particularly interested in the business school and I am going to apply to it.As is well known, the lack of moral sense and principles of food producers in China has resulted in food poisoning and the loss of trust from the public.I hope, through my own efforts, I can convert some businessmen’s moral values and thus do something to help the Chinese people.

第三篇：美國大學(xué)申請文書1

美國大學(xué)申請優(yōu)秀文書范文

I wake up every morning to its rich scent.My parents cannot start the day with out it.I often wait in line and pay $3.85 to buy it.The senior lodge at my school is littered with empty Starbucks cups containing only the remnants of skim lattes, , and mocha frapuccinos.Coffee is a staple of American life that many take for granted, but few take the time to think about how they get it.In the rural village of Cadillo in the Dominican Republic, the people’s livelihood depends on coffee.Rows of green coffee plants line steep hills and scatter the countryside.The people there pick and sell the coffee beans but receive little profit for their hard work.During the week I spent in Cadilloplaying , I witnessed the poverty these coffee farmers endure.Their homes are small and dark, furnished with only a few wooden chairs, a table and a few beds.There is no lawyers and electricity in Cadillo and I especially remember the emptiness of the village at night, when I could only vaguely see the faces I illuminated with my flashlight.I can still see the shiny metal bowl in which they used to bathe, and Jose, a neighbor who was missing several teeth because like most people in Cadillo, he lacks a toothbrush and could not afford a.These images still burn in my mind, but it was the people of Cadillo more than anything who opened my eyes to the importance of social justice.Before I met them it was just a concept I heard about a few times a year at church when a missionary would come to speak about the poor people in Africa or South America and explain why it was our duty to help them.These people were far removed.A small fraction of my weekly allowance, once a year, and I could remove them from my mind.After living for a week with a family in Cadillo, however, I understood for the first time that it was real people leading these lives.The family I stayed with there took me in as part of their family and gave me a taste of their life.I remember my Dominican father, Barilla’s face as he played guitar and how he laughed kindly when I struggled to play the chords he had taught me.I could feel the warmth and sincerity of my Dominican mother, Marsela, when she sat and talked with me about my home and family after a long day of work.And I will always remember how much fun I had playing catch or blowing bubbles with their two children, Jendi and Andisco.I will not forget the images I saw or the people I encountered.They made me realize that my work does not end with the school I helped build, the holes I helped dig, or the roads I helped widen.They showed me that there are real, wonderful people being treated unjustly and that I cannot sit back and let that happen.I cannot be silent when I know that people are getting rich off the coffee Barilla receives so little for.It is my responsibility to be active, to teach what I have learned, to fight injustices in my community and the world.I am not sure if I will ever visit Cadillo again but I do know that I can continue what I started there.I can tell people what I saw and spread awareness about injustice in the world.I can volunteer in my own

美國大學(xué)申請優(yōu)秀文書范文

community to help make changes at home and fundraise to aid third world countries.And tomorrow, after I wake up to the smell of fresh coffee, I can make a difference.啄木鳥教育編譯：我每天早晨在它的濃郁的香氣中醒來;沒有它，我父母就沒辦法開始新一天的工作生活;我常常排著隊(duì)，然后付上3.85美元買到它。我學(xué)校的高級旅館里堆滿了空的星巴克杯子，杯子里還有拿鐵、摩卡的殘留物。咖啡是美國人生活的一部分，許多人理所當(dāng)然的享受著，很少有人花時間想過咖啡是怎么來的。

在多米尼加共和國有一個農(nóng)村叫Cadillo，當(dāng)?shù)鼐用褓囈陨嫷闹挥锌Х?。一排排綠色的咖啡樹長在陡峭的山坡上、圍著村子分散開來。人們采摘咖啡豆，然后賣出，這樣辛苦的勞作只換來微薄的收入。

我在Cadillo游玩過一個星期，我親眼目睹了這些種植咖啡的農(nóng)民們所忍受的貧困。他們的房子小、而且陰暗，里面的家具只有幾張木頭做的椅子、一張桌子及幾張床。這里沒有律師，沒有電。我尤其記得Cadillo村里晚上的空寂，那些晚上，我只能通過我的手電筒微弱的光看到模糊的臉。我還記得他們洗漱用的磨得發(fā)亮的金屬盆。Jose是我在村里住的那一家的鄰居，他像Cadillo村許多人一樣缺了幾顆牙齒，他沒有牙刷，因?yàn)橘I不起。

這些畫面仍然在我的腦海里翻滾，但正是Cadillo村里的人比其他所有更讓我見識到社會公平的重要性。在我遇到他們之前，“”社會公平”只是一個概念，每年在教堂里會聽到幾次，牧師會說非洲及南美的窮苦難民以及我們?yōu)槭裁从辛x務(wù)幫助他們。這些人離我這么遙遠(yuǎn)，盡管以前我會從每個星期的費(fèi)用省下一點(diǎn)，每年把省下來的錢捐一次出去。然而，在我同Cadillo的人們生活了一個星期后，我才第一次理解到真有人是這樣生活著。

我在Cadillo生活的那家人待我如親人，讓我體驗(yàn)了一番他們的生活是什么樣子。我記得我的多米尼加爸爸Barilla。他彈吉他時的模樣，他教我學(xué)樂器以及看我費(fèi)勁拉弦時怎么溫和地笑我。我能感受到我多米尼加媽媽Marsela的溫暖和真誠，在她一天的長時間勞作之后，她坐下來和我嘮家常，談我的家鄉(xiāng)、我的家人。我也將永遠(yuǎn)記得我和他們的兩個孩子Jendi、Andisco追逐打鬧吹泡泡的樂趣。

我永遠(yuǎn)不會忘記這些畫面，不會忘記我遇到的人。是他們讓我意識到我的責(zé)任不僅僅是幫助建設(shè)學(xué)校、挖洞種樹和修寬道路。他們讓我真實(shí)的看到這樣一群善良的人受到不平等的對待，而我不能坐視不理?？吹接腥藦目Х全@取暴利而我的多米尼加爸爸卻得到很少，我無法沉默。我要積極主動、去教給別人我所學(xué)到的，去為我生活在的社區(qū)以及世界出現(xiàn)的不平等斗爭，這是我的職責(zé)。

我不確定我以后是否還會去Cadillo，我能確定的是我會將從那里得到的繼續(xù)下去。我會把我看到的告訴他人，讓大家意識到這世界存在的不平等事實(shí)。我會在我生活的周邊社區(qū)志愿服務(wù)，改變家鄉(xiāng)，會為第三世界募捐。而當(dāng)我明天聞著咖啡的香氣中醒來，我知道我能為世界變美好做一點(diǎn)貢獻(xiàn)

第四篇：申請美國大學(xué)入學(xué)文書范本

申請美國大學(xué)入學(xué)文書范本

I guess it was inevitable that I’d be on hockey skates at some point in mylife, but I did not expect that I’d become one of a rare group of female icehockey officials before I even reached high school.Being born into a family ofhockey players and figure skaters, it seemed that my destiny had already beendecided.Right from the beginning, my two older brothers and my father strapped meup and threw me onto the ice.I loved it and, in my mind, I was on my way tobecoming a female Gretzky!But my mom had to think of something fast to drag herlittle girl away from this sport of ruffians.Enter my first hot pink figureskating dress!That was all it took to launch fifteen years of competitivefigure skating.Even though figure skating soon became my passion, I always hadan unsatisfied yearning for ice hockey.It took a great deal of convincing frommy parents that competitive figure skating and ice hockey didn’t mix.My compromise became refereeing ice hockey;little did I know that I wasbeginning an activity that would influence my character and who I am today.WhenI began, I would only work with my dad and brothers.Everyone was friendly andaccepting because I had just started.I soon realized though that to get betterI needed to start refereeing with people I wasn’t related to, and that’s when myexperience drastically changed.An apologetic smile and an “I’m sorry” wasn’tgoing to

get me through games now.As I began officiating higher-level games anddealing with more arrogant coaches, I suddenly entered a new male-dominatedworld, a world I had never experienced before.My confidence was shot, and all Iwanted to do was get through each game and be able to leave.Sometimes I waseven too scared to skate along the teams’ benches because I would get upset bywhat the coaches would yell to me.“Do you have a hot date tonight, ref?” was atypical comment that coaches would spit at me during the course of a game.Intheir eyes, I did not belong on that ice, and they were going to do whateverthey could do to make sure no women wanted to officiate their games.I wasdetermined not to let them chase me off the ice.I made the decision to stand up for myself.I never responded rudely to thecoaches, but I did not let them walk all over me and destroy my confidenceanymore.I started to act and feel more like the 4-year certified AtlanticDistrict Official that I am.There were still a few situations that scared me.One time I called a penalty in a championship game during the third overtime andthe team I penalized ended up losing because they got scored on.I knew I hadmade the right call, even though I was unnerved when I saw the losing teams’parents waiting for me at my locker room;for the moment I wished I hadn’tcalled that penalty.Although it was scary at the time, I stood my ground andovercame my fears.That was an important

stepping-stone in my officiating careerand in my life.After four years of refereeing, I still can’t say it’s easy.Every gamehands me something new and I never know what to expect.Now I have theconfidence and preparation to deal with the unexpected, on and off the ice.Inow also know to take everything with a grain of salt and not let it get to me.I have learned that life is just like being out on the ice;if I am prepared andact with confidence, I will be perceived as confident.These are the littlelessons that I’m grateful to have learned as a woman referee.Things to Notice About This Essay

1.The author tells an interesting story about her experiences as areferee.2.A sense of her personality—determination, flexibility, good humor—comesthrough in the narration.3.Details like “Do you have a hot date tonight, ref?” make the narrationmemorable(we’d love to hear more of these kinds of details).4.The essay needs a faster start.The first paragraph(three sentences)says the same thing in both the first and third sentences—and gives away theessay’s surprise in the second!A good revision would delete all of paragraphone and start at paragraph two.5.There’s too much frame here and not enough picture.The essay needsfurther development, especially about the difficulties of

becoming and being aref, to keep it vivid.6.The author should “dwell” in the meaning of the experience a little moreat the end—“I wonder about…I also think…Sometimes I believe….” Significantexperiences like this one, woven through many years of the author’s life, don’tmean just one thing—there are more insights and lessons to explore here.

第五篇：申請美國大學(xué)入學(xué)文書范本

申請美國大學(xué)入學(xué)文書范本

I guess it was inevitable that I’d be on hockey skates at some point in my life, but I did not expect that I’d become one of a rare group of female ice hockey officials before I even reached high school.Being born into a family of hockey players and figure skaters, it seemed that my destiny had already been decided.Right from the beginning, my two older brothers and my father strapped me up and threw me onto the ice.I loved it and, in my mind, I was on my way to becoming a female Gretzky!But my mom had to think of something fast to drag her little girl away from this sport of ruffians.Enter my first hot pink figure skating dress!That was all it took to launch fifteen years of competitive figure skating.Even though figure skating soon became my passion, I always had an unsatisfied yearning for ice hockey.It took a great deal of convincing from my parents that competitive figure skating and ice hockey didn’t mix.My compromise became refereeing ice hockey;little did I know that I was beginning an activity that would influence my character and who I am today.When I began, I would only work with my dad and brothers.Everyone was friendly and accepting because I had just started.I soon realized though that to get better I needed to start refereeing with people I wasn’t related to, and that’s when my experience drastically changed.An apologetic smile and an “I’m sorry” wasn’t going to get me through games now.As I began officiating higher-level games and dealing with more arrogant coaches, I suddenly entered a new male-dominated world, a world I had never experienced before.My confidence was shot, and all I wanted to do was get through each game and be able to leave.Sometimes I was even too scared to skate along the teams’ benches because I would get upset by what the coaches would yell to me.“Do you have a hot date tonight, ref?” was a typical comment that coaches would spit at me during the course of a game.In their eyes, I did not belong on that ice, and they were going to do whatever they could do to make sure no women wanted to officiate their games.I was determined not to let them chase me off the ice.I made the decision to stand up for myself.I never responded rudely to the coaches, but I did not let them walk all over me and destroy my confidence anymore.I started to act and feel more like the 4-year certified Atlantic District Official that I am.There were still a few situations that scared me.One time I called a penalty in a championship game during the third overtime and the team I penalized ended up losing because they got scored on.I knew I had made the right call, even though I was unnerved when I saw the losing teams’

parents waiting for me at my locker room;for the moment I wished I hadn’t called that penalty.Although it was scary at the time, I stood my ground and overcame my fears.That was an important stepping-stone in my officiating career and in my life.After four years of refereeing, I still can’t say it’s easy.Every game hands me something new and I never know what to expect.Now I have the confidence and preparation to deal with the unexpected, on and off the ice.I now also know to take everything with a grain of salt and not let it get to me.I have learned that life is just like being out on the ice;if I am prepared and act with confidence, I will be perceived as confident.These are the little lessons that I’m grateful to have learned as a woman referee.Things to Notice About This Essay

1.The author tells an interesting story about her experiences as a referee.2.A sense of her personality—determination, flexibility, good humor—comes through in the narration.3.Details like “Do you have a hot date tonight, ref?” make the narration memorable(we’d love to hear more of these kinds of details).4.The essay needs a faster start.The first paragraph(three sentences)says the same thing in both the first and third sentences—and gives away the essay’s surprise in the second!A good revision would delete all of paragraph one and start at paragraph two.5.There’s too much frame here and not enough picture.The essay needs further development, especially about the difficulties of becoming and being a ref, to keep it vivid.6.The author should “dwell” in the meaning of the experience a little more at the end—“I wonder about…I also think…Sometimes I believe….” Significant experiences like this one, woven through many years of the author’s life, don’t mean just one thing—there are more insights and lessons to explore here.