第一篇：8月經(jīng)典短信幽默故事-喝酒與戀愛相通

1、本人有很久沒有和你聯(lián)系了，我深刻認(rèn)識到我錯(cuò)了，我們應(yīng)該緊密團(tuán)結(jié)在手機(jī)周圍，以短信為中心，高舉“有空必編，有編必發(fā)，有信必回”理論的偉大旗幟，認(rèn)真貫徹落實(shí)‘代表友人、代表親人、代表情人’的重要思想，堅(jiān)持‘務(wù)必不怕手酸，務(wù)必不怕麻煩’的精神，把‘保持聯(lián)系，經(jīng)常騷擾’作為第一任務(wù)從根本上改變‘平時(shí)不搭理有事才說話的局面’短信要有新思想、語言要有新思路、忽悠要有新突破、煽情要有新水平，最終達(dá)到共同欠費(fèi)目的！

2、經(jīng)本人研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，喝酒與戀愛的確有相通之處，酒能醉人，情也能醉人；酒能傷人，情亦能傷人。并且兩者的實(shí)施過程一般都是六步曲：開始嚴(yán)防死守，之后半推半就，然后來者不拒，接著主動(dòng)出擊，直至死纏爛打，最后一醉方休。

3、一男生愛戀一女生許久，火一樣的熱情，可女生卻不接受。假期，女生約他到黃河一見。男生欣喜若狂，見面后，女子說：你到了黃河，也該死心了！

4、娶黛玉的八種理由：林黛玉淚腺發(fā)達(dá)，可用來洗菜、洗衣服；林黛玉身材嬌小，做衣服省料，節(jié)省資源；林黛玉身體虛弱，活動(dòng)范圍小，不會纏著你逛街；林黛玉臉小，用起化妝品特別?。涣主煊窀星閷Ｒ?，不用擔(dān)心移情別戀哦；林黛玉文才極高，以后寫方案可以讓她代筆；林黛玉醋壇極大，可以時(shí)不時(shí)的拿來燒菜；當(dāng)然，最重要的就是林妹妹天生麗質(zhì)養(yǎng)眼哦~(=@__@=)~

5、經(jīng)理開門，準(zhǔn)備赴會。一女闖進(jìn)辦公室，手提鮮色內(nèi)褲?！罢?zhí)嵝涯戕k公室主任，他的東西忘了帶走！”經(jīng)理忙著赴會，接過內(nèi)褲順手放進(jìn)衣兜，“我一定提醒，一定！”經(jīng)理很快忘掉了此事。回到家，老婆洗衣服清理衣兜，驚呼：“我到處找內(nèi)褲，原來被你揣走了！”

6、有個(gè)漂亮女人，嫁給一個(gè)丑陋的男人。當(dāng)這女人懷孕時(shí)，她對丈夫抱怨道：“要是孩子像你，你實(shí)在是該詛咒?！闭煞蚧卮鸬溃骸耙呛⒆硬幌裎遥悴攀窃撛{咒的呢！”

7、年輕的國王問他的大臣：為什么我十四歲就可以統(tǒng)治這個(gè)國家，而到十八歲人們還不允許我結(jié)婚？大臣回答：因?yàn)檎疹櫰拮颖戎卫韲疫€難，陛下。

8、妻子偷看丈夫的日記，發(fā)現(xiàn)一頁寫著：到醫(yī)院“！”，很疑惑，丈夫回家后，妻子指著日記質(zhì)問丈夫，丈夫很無辜地說 ：沒什么呀，我那天到醫(yī)院去打點(diǎn)滴。

10、漂亮女人不實(shí)在，表面風(fēng)光心兒賴，她說愛你一輩子，或許只是一陣子，有錢時(shí)候親愛的，沒錢想著另外的，花花世界花花心，身旁女人應(yīng)留心！

11、苗苗在高速上行駛時(shí)，她老公打來電話：親愛的，你要小心點(diǎn)，剛聽廣播說高速上有輛車逆行。小西郁悶地說：有沒搞錯(cuò)！我看到起碼有幾百輛都在逆行。

第二篇：幽默搞笑與短信

當(dāng)前位置: 文章網(wǎng) > 散文 > 散文詩歌 > 一些帶有詩的幽默搞笑的詩句

時(shí)間:2012-10-24 16:50來源:我的文章網(wǎng) 作者:admin 點(diǎn)擊:

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三個(gè)臭皮匠 臭味都一樣 射人先射馬 捉奸捉在床

書到用時(shí)方恨少 錢到月底不夠花 天若有情天亦老 人若有情死得早 天生我材必有用 老鼠兒子會打洞 問君能有幾多愁 恰似一壺二鍋頭

（結(jié)發(fā)之夫不上床），糟糠之妻不下堂。語文老師暴怒！

______________ 我渴望自由，但人的身軀怎能從狗洞子里爬出??，同桌的答案：為狗爬出的洞也鎖著 / 他媽的，都鎖著！‘兩情若是長久時(shí)’同學(xué)對：該是兩人成婚時(shí)。

半夜三更鬼敲門 路上行人欲斷魂 長江后浪推前浪 前浪死在沙灘上 紅橙黃綠青藍(lán)紫 東南西北中發(fā)白 后宮佳麗三千人 鐵棒也會磨成針

寬衣解帶終不悔 為伊消得人憔悴 千山萬水總是情 多給一份行不行 窮則獨(dú)善其身 富則妻妾成群

“千山萬水總是情”，同學(xué)答：多給一份行不行。批卷老師對了一句：情是情，分是分，多給一份都不行。“天若有情天亦老”，下一句是？答：人不風(fēng)流枉少年！正解：月若無恨月長圓!(李賀《金銅仙人辭漢歌》)“天若有情天亦老”，下一句是？答：人若有情死得早。正解：月若無恨月長圓!“我勸天公重抖擻，天公對我吼三吼” 正解：形形色色降人才，龔自珍 長江后浪推前浪。答：前浪死在沙灘上 沉舟側(cè)畔千帆過，同學(xué)對：孔雀開屏花樣多。

初一的學(xué)生的對的對子，登城白云間攬山色入懷 同學(xué)對的：我到酒店去抱小姐上床。他的語文老師當(dāng)場吐血而亡。

初中一同學(xué)的杰作: 半夜三更鬼敲門(填空)，路上行人欲斷魂.東邊日出西邊雨，答：床頭打架床尾合

高一的時(shí)候，一次月考，上句：仰天大笑出門去，（正解）我輩豈是蓬蒿人。班上有人寫：一不小心扭到腰。還有一句，上句：清水出芙蓉，（正解）天然去雕飾。有人寫，淤泥出蓮藕；還有人更絕，寫：亂世出英雄。

高一考語文，問：東風(fēng)不與周郎便，下句是什么？ 全班80％的答案是：賠了夫人又折兵。正解：銅雀春深鎖二喬。

高中的語文卷子常常要填詩，有一題是《紅樓夢》中的“子系中山狼____________”一男生填的是“我乃東北虎”，我們都笑傻了

高中考試，“身無彩鳳雙飛翼，_________”。有個(gè)同學(xué)填“夫妻雙雙把家還?！?http://004km.cn 經(jīng)典語句

高中時(shí)，毛某人的詞：紅橙黃綠青藍(lán)紫，（）同學(xué)答曰：東南西北中發(fā)白。管中窺豹。答：嚇我一跳...哈哈哈(原文是可見一斑)還有次考陶淵明的“吾不能為五斗米折腰，”，同學(xué)填的是“給我六斗就可以”...還有李清照的如夢令“知否？知否？___________”?”原句是“應(yīng)是綠肥紅瘦”，同學(xué)答：“sorry i，don’t know?！?/p>

考試，“書到用時(shí)方恨少”的下一句是什么？同學(xué)對是“錢到月底不夠花” 考語文，問： 問君能有幾多愁，同學(xué)填，恰似一壺二鍋頭，老師大怒，你又喝多了......魯腋先生某句，后半是“我以我血濺軒轅”，同學(xué)前面填了“他以他刀插我身”。。

洛陽親友如相問，同學(xué)填: 請你不要告訴他，正解是：一片冰心在玉壺 葡萄美酒夜光杯，同學(xué)寫的：金錢美人一大堆。

期末考試出對聯(lián) 上聯(lián)是英雄寶刀未老...該初三同學(xué)對下聯(lián)為...老娘豐韻尤存

請?jiān)诶ㄌ柪锾畛鱿戮洌禾烊粲星樘煲嗬?，（我只?dān)心等不到）人生自古誰無死 同學(xué)填，有誰大便不帶紙.上句：東邊日出西邊雨~ 要求填下句~ 有個(gè)同學(xué)填：上錯(cuò)花轎嫁對郎~ 射人先射馬_________。同學(xué)答曰：捉奸捉在床。

身有彩鳳雙飛翼，答：拔毛鳳凰不如雞（正解是心有靈犀一點(diǎn)通）

填“飛入平常百姓家”的前一句，應(yīng)當(dāng)是“舊時(shí)王謝堂前燕”。有個(gè)同學(xué)寫的：“康佳彩霸電視機(jī)，飛入平常百姓家”

五年級的一次考試就考到了“三個(gè)臭皮匠”同學(xué)填，“臭味都一樣”把監(jiān)考和外面的校長笑翻了

想當(dāng)年，金戈鐵馬。（問下句）同學(xué)填——看今朝，死纏爛打。正解：氣吞萬里如虎。

一次考試 西塞山前白鷺飛，＿＿＿＿＿＿？我同學(xué)對的挺工整的：東村河邊烏龜爬．

一同學(xué)，題：但愿人長久，答：一顆永流傳，當(dāng)時(shí)狂笑，現(xiàn)在覺得挺經(jīng)典的 一同學(xué)填: 天生我才必有用要害時(shí)辰顯神通

有次考：老吾老以及人之老，同學(xué)填：妻吾妻以及人之妻。－－！有一同學(xué)這樣答卷.床前明月光__________?答曰:李白睡的香.語文考試，填空里有一首革命詩：為人進(jìn)出的門緊鎖著，________________，一個(gè)聲音高喊著：

語文考試期末考試答題：良藥苦口利于病，答：不吃才是大傻瓜。人生自古誰無死，答：只是死的有先后。結(jié)局：家長會后我同事被老師留下來訓(xùn)話鳥......月考，一題是默寫“天生我材必有用”的下句。有天才學(xué)生答“老鼠兒子會打洞”整辦公室的語文老師集體毫無形象的狂笑” 女：你原先有過女朋友? 男：十年生死兩茫茫，不思量，自難忘。女：死了?怎么死的? 男：山天陵，江水為竭，冬雷陣陣夏雨雪。女：喔，是天災(zāi)。那這些年你怎么過來的? 男：滿面塵灰煙火色，兩手蒼蒼十指黑。女；唉，不容易。那你看見我的第一感覺是什么? 男：忽如-夜春風(fēng)來，千樹萬樹梨花開。女：(紅著臉)有那么好? 男：糟粕所傳非粹美，丹青難寫是精神。女：馬屁精--你有理想嗎? 男：他年若遂凌云志，敢笑黃巢不丈夫。女：你??對愛情的看法呢? 男：只在此山中，云深不知處。女：那你喜歡讀書嗎? 男：軍書十二卷，卷卷有爺名!女：這牛吹大了吧?你那么大才華，怎么還獨(dú)身? 男：小姑未嫁身如寄，蓮子心多苦自知。

女：(笑)假如，我是說假如，我答應(yīng)嫁給你，你打算怎樣待我? 男：一片冰心在玉壺!女：你保證不會對別的女人動(dòng)心? 男：波瀾誓不起，妾心古井水。女：暫且信你一回，不過，我正打算去美國念書，你能等我嗎? 男：此去經(jīng)年，應(yīng)是良辰美景虛設(shè)。女：不過??

男：獨(dú)自憑欄，無限江山，別時(shí)容易見時(shí)難!女：但是??.男：望夫處，江悠悠，化為石，不回頭!女；好了好了，怕了你???

婚后

女：結(jié)婚那么久，你還在想你原先妁女朋友? 男：曾經(jīng)滄海難為水，除卻巫山不是云。女：那為什么當(dāng)年還和我結(jié)婚? 男：夢里不知身是客，一晌貪歡。女：太過分了吧。我們好歹是夫妻。男：夫妻本是同林鳥，大難臨頭各自飛。女：那我們這段婚姻，你怎么看? 男：醒來幾向楚巾看，夢覺尚心寒!女：有那么慘嗎?你不是說對我的第一印象??

男：美女如花滿春殿，身邊惟有鷓鴣飛。女：不是這么說的吧，難道，你竟然?? 男：昔日齷齪不足夸，今朝放蕩思無涯。

女：一直以來朋友寫信告訴我我都不相信，沒想到竟是真的!

男：紙上得來終覺淺，絕知此事要躬行。女：你原先的理想都到哪兒去了? 男：且把浮名，換了斟低唱。女：(淚眼朦朧)你，你不是答應(yīng)一片冰心的嗎? 男：不忍見此物，焚之已成灰。女：你就不怕親朋恥笑，后世唾罵? 男：寧可抱香枝頭死，何曾吹落北風(fēng)中。女：我要不同意分手呢? 男：分手尚且為兄弟，何必非做骨肉親。女：好，夠絕！

1、黑黑的眼睛直直的鼻，絨絨的腦袋憨憨的臉讓我想得夜難眠。多想摸摸你，多想抱抱你，多想看你在陽光下叼根骨頭撒歡：你就是我心愛的小狗狗！

2、星期一糖醋排骨，星期二腰花粥，星期三青椒爆肚，星期四干菜蒸肉，星期五骨湯彈面，星期六紅燒大腸。星期天??星期天我終于把你吃完了，親愛的，我們可以永遠(yuǎn)在一起了。

3、這年頭，坐飛機(jī)有打滾的；做輪船有沉底的；做火車有出軌的；做汽車有親嘴的；所以我勸你，沒事還是在你的老鼠洞里呆著不要出來的好。

4、你的策劃通過了，cctv上有名了。你的建議采納了，開始付諸行動(dòng)了。你的訂單飛來了，企業(yè)起死回生了。還是老板會夸獎(jiǎng)：有文化的豬就是不一樣！

5、我真的很喜歡你大大的耳朵寬寬的臉，厚厚的嘴唇黑黑的眼。你的歌聲很奇妙，歌詞總是一個(gè)調(diào)--哼哼哼-哼哼哼。你就是我的寵物豬崽崽！

6、我昨天一進(jìn)村就看見一個(gè)人端著酒杯在追一頭肥豬，邊追邊喊：跑啥跑，想耍賴？是兄弟就得干了這杯酒！仔細(xì)一看，原來這個(gè)酒鬼就是你。

7、別人說你笨手笨腳的，我相信傻人有傻福。別人說你呆頭呆腦的，我相信癡心妄想有時(shí)也能美夢成真。別人說你蠢的不開竅，我知道大智若愚就是你的法寶！

8、達(dá)沙瓜就濕泥，餌白烏夜?jié)衲?，深莖冰酒濕泥，搭懶寵夜?jié)衲?，搭架洗換看猴喜，看的對香酒濕泥。泥若砍猴露效戀，筷樂杏福樹于泥。

1、“病中垂死驚坐起，小豬笑了”“沉吟回首看盡千帆，小豬笑了”“指云問天道，小豬笑了”“子在川上曰，小豬笑了”“何時(shí)共剪西窗燭，小豬笑了”“引刀成一快，小豬笑了”

2、君子坦蕩蕩，小人賣基金。商女不知亡國恨，一天到晚賣基金。洛陽親友如相問，就說我在賣基金。千古興亡多少事，只因滿朝賣基金。舉頭望明月，低頭賣基金。少壯不努力，老大賣基金。君當(dāng)做磐石，我愿賣基金。在天愿作比翼鳥，在地愿意賣基金。春眠不覺曉，處處賣基金。

3、長江后浪推前浪，可惜你小鳥毛都沒有；莫等閑白了少年頭，可惜你小鳥毛都沒有；人生自古誰無死，可惜你小鳥毛都沒有；哥哥就由我來守護(hù)，可惜你小鳥毛都沒有；“??你先把褲子穿好再說吧”“可惜你小鳥毛都沒有”；（脫衣服）“可惜你小鳥毛都沒有”。

4、感冒發(fā)燒腫么辦？多喝點(diǎn)水就好了?月經(jīng)疼痛腫么辦？多喝點(diǎn)水就好了?皮膚搔癢腫么辦？多喝點(diǎn)水就好了?大便干燥腫么辦？多喝點(diǎn)水就好了?

5、廈大：我是全省最好的大學(xué)；師大：我有辣椒炒月餅。福大：我是211高校；師大：我有辣椒炒月...6、“我要成為海賊王！”“外面蹶著去”、“用我一生換你十年天真無邪”“外面蹶著去”、“你還差得遠(yuǎn)呢！”“外面蹶著去”、“佐助！”“外面蹶著去”。

7、“我?你?”“你是個(gè)好人?！薄拔沂钦娴暮弈惆?，我早該知道?”“你是個(gè)好人?！薄笆曛蟛耪f這句！”“你是個(gè)好人。”“三年之后又三年?”“你是個(gè)好人?！薄皠?又回檔了！”“?你是個(gè)好人?！?/p>

第三篇：幽默笑話與激勵(lì)小故事

4.長頸鹿嫁給了猴子，一年后長頸鹿提出離婚：我再也不要過這種上躥下跳的日子了！猴子大怒：離就離！誰見過親個(gè)嘴還得爬樹的！

5、魚說：“我時(shí)時(shí)刻刻把眼睜開是為了在你身邊不舍離開。”水說：“我終日流淌不知疲倦是為了圍繞你，好好把你抱緊。”鍋說：“都他媽快熟了還這么多廢話?！?/p>

獅子和熊分別在樹旁大便，一個(gè)月后，獅子發(fā)現(xiàn)自己大便旁的樹木比熊的那棵長得粗壯，于是說了一句飽含滄桑的哲理——獅 屎 勝 于 熊 便！

昨天在公交車上，特別擠，我實(shí)在是受不了了，于是喊道：“別擠了，別擠了，把我的手都擠到別人兜里啦！”周圍好多人齊刷刷地看著我，和我保持距離，這下我可舒服多了。

求生反應(yīng)與速度競爭

玩勵(lì)志游戲 故事有兩個(gè)人在樹林里過夜。早上樹林里突然跑出一頭熊來，兩個(gè)人中一個(gè)忙著穿球鞋；另一個(gè)對他說：”你把球鞋穿上有什么用？我們反正跑不過熊啊！”忙著穿球鞋的人說：”我是要跑過你?！?/p>

道理：這說明我們面對的世界是一個(gè)充滿充數(shù)且競爭非常激烈的世界，跑得快不快，很可能是成功與失敗的關(guān)鍵，在管理中快速反應(yīng)也能形成競爭優(yōu)勢。

合理要求

有三個(gè)人要被關(guān)進(jìn)監(jiān)獄三年，監(jiān)獄長給他們?nèi)齻€(gè)一人一個(gè)合理要求。

美國人愛抽雪茄，要了三箱雪茄。

法國人最浪漫，要一個(gè)美麗的女子相伴。

而猶太人說，他要一部與外界溝通的電話。

三年過后，第一個(gè)沖出來的是美國人，嘴里鼻孔里塞滿了雪茄，大喊道：“給我火，給我火！原來他忘了要火了。

接著出來的是法國人。只見他手里抱著一個(gè)小孩子，美麗女子手里牽著一個(gè)小孩子，肚子里還懷著第三個(gè)。

最后出來的是猶太人，他緊緊握住監(jiān)獄長的手說：“這三年來我每天與外界聯(lián)系，我的生意不但沒有停頓，反而增長了200％，為了表示感謝，我送你一輛勞施萊斯！”

道理：有時(shí)候一個(gè)選擇，一個(gè)決定，會影響我們的生活，我們要選擇接觸最新的信息，掌握一切，還是一些眼前的好處，選擇好了才能為自己創(chuàng)造更好的將來。

第四篇：英文小故事哲理篇與幽默篇

哲理篇

The Help from the God A small village came into a very large storm, and floods began to submerge the whole village.A priest prayed in the church when the flood submerged his knees． Lifeguard came to the church driving a sampan： “Father, come here as soon as possible！Otherwise you will drown in the flood！” The priest said： “No！I am confident that God will save me, please go to save others．” But soon, the water rose to the priest’s chest, and the priest had to stand on the altar． At this time, a police drove to the priest with a speedboat：“Father, hurry up, otherwise you will be drowned！” The priest said： “No, I would like to keep my church.I believe that God will save me．You’d better to save others.” After a while, the floods have submerged the entire church.The priest had no choice but to firmly grasp the top of the Cross Church．A helicopter flied over slowly, and the pilot dropped a rope ladder：“Father, hurry up, this is the last chance!” But the priest said: “No, I would like to keep my church！God will save me．”The stubborn priest was finally drowned.In the heaven, the priest asked the God angrily：”Lord, I devoted my whole life to serving you, why you refuse to help me！“ God said：” The first time, I sent a sampan to rescue you, but you didn’t get on.I think you are not satisfied with the sampan；the second time, I sent a speedboat, you refuse it again；the third time, I send a helicopter to rescue you, but also you are unwilling to accept it.Therefore, I thought you wanted to come back to my side.“ In fact, there are many obstacles in life chiefly coming from our stubbornness and ignorance．When others give us a hand, do not forget, only we accept it, can they help us??！

God's Coffee A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old professor.Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.The professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cupstelling them to help themselves.When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: ”If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, while the plain and cheap ones are left on the table.It is normal for you to have only the best for yourselves, which is the source of your problems and stress.Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee.In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups...And then you began eyeing each other's cups.Now consider this: Life is the coffee;the jobs, money and position in society are the cups.They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live.Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us.“ God brews the coffee, not the cups..........Enjoy your coffee!”The happiest people don't have the best of everything.They just make the best of everything.“ Live simply.Love generously.Care deeply.Speak kindly.Leave the rest to God.Pebbles and diamonds

”Why do we have to learn about these useless things?“

This is what teachers have heard students complain about most commonly.In such cases, we may tell the students such a fable:

One night, a group of nomadic tribes of herdsmen was preparing to break camp, all of a sudden, a bunch of bright light shrouded.They knew that God would be there, so that they looked forward to getting wishes from God.God began to speak: ”You have to collect along the way a number of pebbles.Tomorrow night, you will be very happy, but you can also be regretted.“ Then God disappeared.Herdsmen were very disappointed, because they would look forward to God to bring them untold wealth and health and longevity, but they did not expect that God had told them to do all these meaningless things.However, in any case, after all, that was God's will, although there were some dissatisfaction, they were still picking over some stones,In this way, they took a day, when night fell, they camped.All of a sudden, they found that all the pebbles they picked had turned into diamonds.They were delighted, at the same time, they felt very sorry, and regretted that they did not collect more pebbles.Now we feel that knowledge is useless, like pebbles, in the future, they may become endless wealth.Sand and Stone The story goes that two friends were walking through the desert.During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: ”Today my best friend slapped me in the face.“

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: ”Today my best friend saved my life.“

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, ”After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone.Why?“

The other friend replied: ”When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.But when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.“

The Nail

There was a little boy with a bad temper.His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence.The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.Then it gradually dwindled down.He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all.He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence.He said, ”You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.The fence will never be the same.When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there.A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us.Show your friends how much you care.Five Keys in life In May, 2001, American Nevada state Madison middle school’s entrance examination set such a topic: On the Bill Gates desk there are 5 locked drawers, respectively representing wealth, interest, happiness, honor, and success.Gates always only have one key, and the other 4 are locked in the drawers.Which key does Gates take? One immigrated mainland student had flustered after he saw this topic, because he did not know whether it was a language question or a mathematics one.When the test finished, he asked his guarantor.The director told him that the answer was not in the books, and there were no standard answers.The mainland student got 9 points.He didn’t answer the question, but the teacher believed that, at least he was honest.At last, we know which key Gates takes in Gates’ writing in reply for this school.What does he write? The letter reads: the secret of your life is hiding behind what you are interested in.幽默篇

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, “Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

He Was Only Wrong by Two

Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enough to be accepted by the college.One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well,” the dean said after some persuasion, “I‘d better ask him a few questions first.”

Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.At last the dean said, “Well, what‘s five times seven?”

The student thought for a long time and then answered, “Thirty-six.”

The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, “Oh, please let him in, sir!He was only wrong by two.”

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.“He‘s a good boy,” said Jack‘s father, “and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”

“No, no, that‘s quite impossible,” replied the professor immediately.“Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!”

“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack‘s father.“You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.”

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and they were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!She had the tickets in her hand.Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!He was ninety.Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, “Gigantic Sale!” and “Super Bargains!” The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, “Prices Slashed!” and “Fantastic Discounts!” The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, “ENTRANCE”.That man knows the future Nasreddin was cutting a branch of a tree in his garden.While he was sawing, another man passed in the street.He stopped and said, 'Excuse me, but if you continue to saw that branch like that, you will fall down with it.' He said this because Nasreddin was sitting on the branch and cutting it at a place between himself and the trunk of the tree.Nasreddin said nothing.He thought, 'This is some foolish person who has no work to do and goes about telling other people what to do and what not to do.' The man continued on his way.Of course, after a few minutes, the branch fell and Nasreddin fell with it.'My God!' he cried.'That man knows the future!' and he ran after him to ask how long he was going to live.But the man had gone.A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.“What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,” he answered.“You're a good boy,” said the mother proudly.“Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.”

Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home.At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.Now, he asked, “What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?” “Well, my son,” his father replied, “l(fā)ook, there are standing two policemen.If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk.” “But, dad,” the boy said, “There’s only ONE policeman!”

Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese.The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate.The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: “You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny.Where did you find the cheese?” “In the rat-trap, sir,” replied the boy.How many children will I have Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.” The man said “How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins.” After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.” Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the ”3 musketeers.“ Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says ”Congratulations, you got twins x2.“ Man is happy and says, ”Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.” All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.They asked him what's wrong and he answered, “What's wrong? I work for 7up”!

You're not going to make it

Gravely ill, a man went to the doctor with his wife.After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway.“Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said, “but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival.First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day.Next, give him a stress-free environment, and don't complain about anything.Finally, make passionate love to him every day.On the drive home the husband asked, ”What did the doctor say?“ ”I'm sorry,“ she said, ”but you're not going to make it.A lawyer's dog A lawyer's dog，running about unleashed，beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks，“if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store，do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?” The lawyer answers，“Absolutely.”“Then you owe me $8.50.Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”The lawyer，without a word，writes the butcher a check for $8.50.Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.Time to a pig One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer,“ I see that your pig likes apples, but isn’t that quite a waste of time?” The farmer replied," What’s time to a pig.”

The brave heart

A millionaire called on all the bachelors in the city to his home , and take them to a big pool where lived some crocodiles”I want to find a brave heart, let me see who dare to jump into this pool and swim to the other side--------he will be my son-in-low, get all my fortune and my beautiful daughter.”Sex!But??Every man looked at each other, with a pale and red face.None dare.Suddenly, with a “PUTON”,a bachelor jumped into the water, God!He swam towards the other side at a crazy speed!And at the very lighting speed, he touched the side, and climbed on without even awaking the crocodiles!

The millionaire goes ahead and holds his hand: Congratulations!What a brave heart!I suppose U want to my daughter so much!

“Not at all!”the guy cried,”I just want to know who son of a bitch pushed me into the poor just now！”

第五篇：文人與盜賊的五則幽默故事

文人與盜賊的五則幽默故事

(2010-12-14 00:01:05)轉(zhuǎn)載 標(biāo)簽： 分類： 文化

文化 劉繼興

文人與盜賊，似乎風(fēng)馬牛不相及。然而，史上曾發(fā)生過一些很有趣的文人與盜賊之間的故事，讀來令人忍俊不禁。

“趁著月色趕豪門”

一天深夜，小偷鉆進(jìn)了鄭板橋家的院子。鄭板橋?yàn)楣偾辶⒉慌峦?，只是?dān)心小偷碰翻了他的蘭花，更擔(dān)心小偷被小黃狗咬傷，于是在黑暗中“獻(xiàn)”詩一首：“細(xì)雨蒙蒙夜沉沉，梁上君子進(jìn)我門?！毙⊥德犃藝樍艘惶?，正欲躲藏，但聽得鄭板橋吟道：“腹內(nèi)詩書存萬卷，床頭金銀無半文?！毙⊥德犆靼琢?，知道此乃暗示，便趕緊轉(zhuǎn)身，鄭也就接著吟道：“出門休驚黃花犬，越墻莫損蘭花盆。”小偷聽了非常感激，便小心翼翼地爬墻出去，而且又聽到了那個(gè)極親切的聲音：“天寒不及披衣送，趁著月色趕豪門。”詩中體現(xiàn)了鄭板橋?qū)Α傲荷暇印钡哪撤N同情心和對豪門的憎恨。如此認(rèn)真的叮嚀，言辭之諄諄，也的確讓小偷感到了一絲溫暖。

“也堪將去教兒曹”

蘇州有個(gè)老儒生叫沈文卿，家里很清寒。一天，他專心讀書至半夜，忽而瞥見小偷進(jìn)屋偷東西，又沒偷到什么，就慢吞吞招呼道：“承蒙光臨，送你一首詩怎么樣？”于是即興拈來朗聲道：“風(fēng)寒月黑夜迢迢，辜負(fù)勞心此一遭。只有破書三五冊，也堪將去教兒曹?！毙⊥德犃?，苦笑著離去。

“世上如今半是君”

《唐詩紀(jì)事》卷四十六“李涉”條記載：涉嘗過九江，至皖口遇盜，問何人，從者曰：“李博士也?！逼浜朗自唬骸叭羰抢钌娌┦?，不用剽奪，久聞詩名，愿題一篇足矣?！鄙尜?zèng)一絕云：“春雨瀟瀟江上村，綠林豪客夜知聞。他時(shí)不用相回避，世上如今半是君?！?/p>

李涉是中唐太學(xué)博士，“工為詩，詞意卓犖，不群世俗。長篇敘事，如行云流水，無可牽制，才名一時(shí)欽動(dòng)。長慶二年（822）春天，他到江西九江看望他在那里當(dāng)江州刺史的弟弟李渤時(shí)途遇盜賊寫此詩，題為《井欄砂宿寓夜客》。它在即興式的詼諧幽默中寓有頗為嚴(yán)肅的社會內(nèi)容和現(xiàn)實(shí)感慨。劉繼興認(rèn)為，所謂“世上如今半是君”，顯然別有所指。它所指的應(yīng)該是那些不蒙“盜賊”之名而所作所為卻比“盜賊”更甚的人們，是那些“相群相黨，上下為蟊賊”之輩。相比之下，這些眼前的“綠林豪客”如此敬重詩人、富于人情，倒顯得有些親切可愛了。

盜賊們得此詩，如獲至寶，用大量牛肉美酒饋贈(zèng)，又兩次拱手彎腰揖拜，并送李涉啟程上路。

辛文房的《唐才子傳》中的《李涉?zhèn)鳌芬苍敿?xì)記載了此事。

“分明一派西湖景”

到了明代，又有一個(gè)秀才遇上小偷，這也是個(gè)窮秀才。一天，他在私塾與學(xué)生授完課，回到家徒四壁的家中，饑腸轆轆的他正想做飯，當(dāng)他揭開米缸時(shí)，只有數(shù)粒米躺在缸底。秀才只好小心翼翼地將那幾粒米放到瓦甌里煮。

當(dāng)他捧起那清如西湖水的一甌粥想喝時(shí)，鼻子呼出的氣將瓦甌里漂浮著的幾粒米粥吹得上下翻騰，此時(shí)，秀才詩性大發(fā)，便順口吟了兩句：“數(shù)粒熬成粥一甌，鼻風(fēng)吹起浪悠悠?！笨墒且鱽硪魅ィ趺匆步硬幌氯チ?。正當(dāng)他捧著那甌粥在破屋里踱來踱去想下句的時(shí)候，在他家已潛伏多時(shí)的小偷實(shí)在忍不住，于是脫口而出，給秀才續(xù)上了后兩句：“分明一派西湖景，只欠漁翁一釣鉤?！?/p>

秀才一聽連說：“好句，好句。”

“白天都不可能找到一分錢，何況晚上呢?”

有趣的是，外國也曾發(fā)生過文化名人與盜賊幽默調(diào)侃的有趣故事。法國大文豪巴爾扎克曾經(jīng)歷過一段極困苦的日子.那是他大學(xué)剛畢業(yè)時(shí)，他學(xué)的是法律，按理該當(dāng)律師，但他對律師這個(gè)職業(yè)全無興趣，一心要當(dāng)作家。父親勸阻無效，只好與他約法三章：給他兩年時(shí)間讓他試試看，如兩年內(nèi)不能成功，立即回頭當(dāng)律師，否則絕不再供給他一絲一毫的生活費(fèi)用。轉(zhuǎn)眼兩年過去了，巴爾扎克并沒有成功。父親見他并不回心轉(zhuǎn)意，也就說話算話不再管他，他開始負(fù)債累累，住在寒酸破舊的下等公寓里堅(jiān)持寫作。至于吃的，當(dāng)然是最差的，但這難不倒他，每當(dāng)吃飯時(shí)，他總要在空空如也的桌子上畫上一個(gè)個(gè)盤子，并在“盤子里”寫上“意大利牛排”、“法國奶酪”、“英國香腸”等字樣，在美好的想像中狼吞虎咽。

也正是在這樣一段日子，有個(gè)小偷半夜三更闖了進(jìn)來，巴爾扎克醒了，知道這是小偷，但并不生氣，而是靜靜地聽著動(dòng)靜，聽他在黑暗中摸索，累得氣喘吁吁，挺心疼，于是就極友好地勸了一句：“別找了，親愛的。我在白天都不可能找到一分錢，何況晚上呢?”小偷聽了挺感動(dòng)，竟然說了聲“謝謝”，道了聲“再會”，趕緊“打道回府”了。

（劉繼興）