第一篇：簡(jiǎn)單幽默英語小故事及翻譯

I Don?t Like Her

Bob goes to a new school.One day he comes back, “Bob, do you like your new teacher?” his mother asks.“I don?t like her, Mother.Because first she says that three and three is six, and then she says that two and four is six, too.” 我不喜歡她

鮑勃的去了所新學(xué)校。

一天，他回到家，他媽媽問他：“你喜歡你的新老師嗎？”

“不，我不喜歡她，媽媽。因?yàn)樗日f3加3等于6，然后她又說2加4等于6.” 2 Ten Candies Mother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?” “Ten.” Jim says.“Ten？” Mother asks.Yes, Mum.Four candies are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach.Four and six is ten, isn?t it right?” 十塊糖

媽媽問兒子：“吉姆，如果你有10塊糖，吃了4塊，那你還有幾塊糖？” “10塊。”吉姆說。

“10塊？”媽媽問。

“是的，媽媽。因?yàn)?塊在我的肚子里面，6塊在肚子外面，4加6等于10，不對(duì)嗎？” 3 Where is the egg? Teacher: Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student: Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher: Then where is the “egg“? Student: In the cake, sir.雞蛋在哪里？

老師：你能用“雞蛋”一詞造句嗎？ 學(xué)生：可以。我昨天吃了一塊蛋糕。老師：“雞蛋”在哪？ 學(xué)生：在蛋糕里，先生Count Tomorrow Morning It?s a night.John is looking at the sky.Tom is John?s younger brother.He asks John “What are you doing?” John says, “I?m counting stars.”

Tom laughs and says, “It?s really dark now.Why not count them tomorrow morning?” 明天早上數(shù)

一個(gè)晚上, 約翰抬頭看著天空。

湯姆是約翰的弟弟。他問約翰：“你在干什么？” 約翰說：“我在數(shù)星星?！?/p>

湯姆笑著說：“現(xiàn)在天空太黑了。你為什么不等到明天早上再數(shù)呢？” 5 It Must Be Crowded A teacher is telling his students, “The moon is very large.Several millions of people can live there.”

And a boy laughs and says, “It must get crowded when it?s a crescent moon.” 一定很擁擠

一位老師告訴學(xué)生們：“月亮非常大，上面能住幾百萬人?！?/p>

一個(gè)男孩笑著說：“當(dāng)月亮變成月牙的時(shí)候，住在上面的人該多擁擠啊！6 Are Flies Yummy? Tony and his father are eating dinner.Suddenly Tony asks his father, “Dad, are flies yummy?”

Dad frowns and says, “No, I think it?s yucky.Why do you ask me this question? It?s a silly question.”

But Tony says, “ There was one fly in your plate.” 蒼蠅好吃嗎？

托尼正和他爸爸一起吃晚餐。

突然，托尼問他的爸爸：“爸爸，蒼蠅好吃嗎？”

爸爸皺眉說：“我想不好吃。你怎么會(huì)問這個(gè)問題？這可是一個(gè)愚蠢的問題?！?可是托尼說：“剛才你盤子里有一只蒼蠅?！?7 “I'm sorry, Madam, but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”

“Twenty dollars!Why , you charged only four dollars for such work before!” “Yes，but your boy yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”

“對(duì)不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元?！? “20美元！為什么？你之前只收4美元的！”

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個(gè)病人嚇跑了?！? 8 A Good Boy

Little Robert asks his mother for two cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?“

”I gave it to a poor old woman,“ he answers.”You're a good boy,“ said the mother proudly.”Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?“ ”She is the one who sells the candy.“ 好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。“昨天給你的錢干什么了？”

“我給了一個(gè)可憐的老太太，”他回答說。“你真是個(gè)好孩子，”媽媽驕傲地說。

“再給你兩分錢?？赡銥槭裁磳?duì)那位老太太那么感興趣呢？” “她是個(gè)賣糖果的?！? 9 I Made Granny Glad A teacher is telling her students the importance of making others glad.“Now, children,” she

says “Did you make someone else glad?”

“Please, teacher,” says a small boy, “I made someone glad yesterday.” “Well done.Who was that?” The teacher says.“My granny.” The boy says.“Good boy.Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.” The teacher says.“I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her for three hours.Then I said to her, ?Granny，I?m going home.? And she said, “well.I?m glad!” 我讓奶奶高興了

一位教師正在對(duì)學(xué)生將使人高興的重要性?！奥犞?，孩子們，”他說：“你們?cè)寗e人 高興過嗎？”

“我，老師，”一個(gè)男孩子說，“昨天我就使別人高興過?！?“做得好。是誰呢？”老師說?！拔夷棠??！毙∧泻⒄f。

“好孩子?，F(xiàn)在告訴我們，你是怎樣使你奶奶高興的？”老師問道。

“是這樣的，老師。昨天我去看她，在她那兒呆了3個(gè)小時(shí)。然后我對(duì)她說：“奶奶，我要回家了?！彼f：“啊，我很高興。” 10 The Ox and the Dog An ox and a dog serve for the same farmer.One day the dog arrogantly says: “How grand I am!In the daytime, I watch out for the cattle in the meadows;at night, I guard the house.But you…” “Me? How about me ?” the ox says

“You can only plough or draw a cart,” the dog slightly says.“Yes.It?s true,” the ox says.“But if I don?t plough, what do you guard?” 牛和狗

一頭牛和一只狗同時(shí)為一個(gè)農(nóng)夫工作。

一天，狗驕傲地說著；?我是多么重要?。“滋煳以谀翀?chǎng)看護(hù)家群，晚上我看家。而你呢…..?”

“我？我怎么啦？“ 牛反問。

“你只會(huì)犁地或是拉扯?！惫凡恍傅卣f。

“是的。你說得沒有錯(cuò)，”?；卮鸬??！暗侨绻麤]有我犁地，你看護(hù)什么呢？” 11 That Is Not My Dog!A woman walks into a pet shop and sees a cute little dog.She asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?”

The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog does not bit.” The woman tries to pet the dog and the dog bites her.“Ouch!” She says, “I thought you said your dog does not bite!” The shopkeeper replies, “That is not my dog!” 那不是我的狗

一個(gè)婦人走進(jìn)一家寵物店，看見一只很可愛的小狗。她問店主：“你的狗咬人嗎？”

店主說：“不，我的狗不咬人?！?/p>

于是這個(gè)婦人試著撫摸小狗，可是小狗卻咬了她?！鞍?！”婦人說，“我想你剛才還說你的狗不咬人?！?店主人回答說：“那不是我的狗?！?12 Teacher: Why are you late for school every morning?

Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says,” School-Go slow“.老師:為什么你每天早晨都遲到?

湯姆:每當(dāng)我經(jīng)過學(xué)校的拐角處,就看見一個(gè)牌子上寫著”學(xué)校----慢行".

第二篇：英語幽默小故事10篇(帶翻譯)

英語幽默小故事10篇(帶翻譯)線話英語|2016-03-14 17:03:05

英語幽默小故事10篇(帶翻譯)如下：

Midway Tactics

Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, “Gigantic Sale!” and “Super Bargains!”

The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, “Prices Slashed!” and “Fantastic Discounts!”

The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, “ENTRANCE”.中間戰(zhàn)術(shù)

三個(gè)互相爭(zhēng)生意的商店老板在一條商業(yè)街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。

右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價(jià)!”“特便宜!”

左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價(jià)!”“大折扣!”

中間的商人隨后準(zhǔn)備了一個(gè)大招牌，上面只簡(jiǎn)單地寫著：“入口處”。

Very Pleased to Meet You

During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army.Joan Phillips was one of them.She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance.He said to her, “I’m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other.” Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.Joan went there and said to the matron, “I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys.”

“Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here,” the matron said.“Oh, that‘s all right,” answered Joan.“I‘m his sister.”

“I‘m very pleased to meet you,” the matron said, “I‘m his mother!”

在第二次世界大戰(zhàn)中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營(yíng)中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個(gè)大軍營(yíng)中工作，當(dāng)然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。

一天晚上她在舞會(huì)上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對(duì)她說，“我明天就要出國(guó)，但如果我們能夠相互寫信，我會(huì)很高興?！杯偼饬?，于是他們幾個(gè)月里一直通著信。

后來，他再?zèng)]有來信。她收到了另一個(gè)軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個(gè)部隊(duì)醫(yī)院里。

瓊到了醫(yī)院，她對(duì)護(hù)士長(zhǎng)說，“我來看望軍官漢弗雷斯?！?/p>

“這里只有親屬可以探望病人?！弊o(hù)士長(zhǎng)說。

“噢，是的，”瓊說，“我是他的妹妹?！?/p>

“很高興認(rèn)識(shí)你，”護(hù)士長(zhǎng)說，“我是他的母親。”

Two Soldiers

Two soldiers were in camp.The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill.George said, “have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?”

Bill said, “Yes, I have,” and he gave them to him.Then George said, “Now I haven‘t got a pen.” Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter.Then he put it in the envelope and said, “have you got a stamp, Bill?” Bill gave him one.Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, “Are you going out?”

Bill Said, “Yes, I am,” and he opened the door.George said, “Please put my letter in the box in the office, and...” He stopped.“What do you want now?” Bill said to him.George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, “What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?”

軍營(yíng)里有二名士兵，一個(gè)叫喬治，一個(gè)叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”

比爾說：“有?！比缓蟀研偶埡托欧饨o了喬治。

喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢?！北葼栍职炎约旱墓P給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完后把信放進(jìn)信封里，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。

這時(shí)比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”

比爾說：“是的?！彪S即打開了門。

喬治說：“請(qǐng)幫我把這封信投進(jìn)辦公室的信箱里，還有...”他停住了。

“你還要什么?”比爾問。

喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的地址是-?”

Five Months Older

The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18.So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too.This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.“How old are you?” he said.“Eighteen, sir,” said John.“But your brother was eighteen, too,” said the doctor.“Are you twins?”

“Oh, no, sir,” said John, and his face went red.“My brother is five months older than I am.”

大五個(gè)月

第二次世界大戰(zhàn)開始了，約翰想?yún)④姡伤挥惺鶜q，當(dāng)時(shí)規(guī)定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫(yī)給他進(jìn)行體檢時(shí)，他說他已經(jīng)十八歲了。

可約翰的哥哥剛?cè)胛闆]幾天，而且也是這個(gè)軍醫(yī)給他做的檢查。這位醫(yī)生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當(dāng)他看到約翰的表格時(shí)，感到非常驚奇。

“你多大了?”軍醫(yī)問。

“十八，長(zhǎng)官?！奔s翰說。

“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”

約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長(zhǎng)官，我哥哥比我大五個(gè)月?！?/p>

West Point

My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College.Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms.Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, “to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point.”

One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture.They explained, “We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point.”

父親、哥哥和我到西點(diǎn)軍校去觀看一場(chǎng)陸軍與波士頓大學(xué)之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉(zhuǎn)了轉(zhuǎn)，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學(xué)員。幾名游客問新兵是否愿意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝?！昂米屛覀兊膬鹤又溃绻轿鼽c(diǎn)軍校來學(xué)習(xí)會(huì)得到什么?！?/p>

一對(duì)中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學(xué)員，問她是否愿意擺個(gè)姿勢(shì)照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點(diǎn)軍校錯(cuò)過了什么?！?/p>

(6)Present for Girlfriend

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.“Shall I engrave her name on it?” the jeweler asked.The customer thought for a moment, and then said, “No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘.That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again.”

送給女友的禮物

在一家珠寶店里，一位年輕人買了一個(gè)貴重的小金盒作為送給女友的禮物?！耙野阉拿挚淘谏厦鎲?”珠寶商問道。

那名顧客想了一會(huì)兒，然后說道：“不--在上面刻‘給我唯一的愛’。這樣，如果我們鬧崩了，我還可以再用到它?！?/p>

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.The wife wanted to travel around the world.The fairy waved her hand, and Boom!She had the tickets in her hand.Next, it was the husband‘s turn.He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom!He was ninety.慎重許愿

一對(duì)結(jié)婚25周年的夫妻在慶祝他們六十歲的生日。他們恰好在同一天出生。

慶祝活動(dòng)中，一位仙女出現(xiàn)了。她說，由于他們是已經(jīng)結(jié)婚25年的恩愛夫妻，因此她給許給這對(duì)夫妻每個(gè)人一個(gè)愿望。

妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手?！皡?”的一聲，她的手中出現(xiàn)了一張票。

接下來該丈夫許愿了。他猶豫片刻，害羞地說，“那我想要一位比我年輕30歲的女人?！?/p>

仙女拾起了魔術(shù)棒?！皡?”，他變成了90歲。

Wood Fire

One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal.“Husbands are like wood fires;they go out if left unattened.”

“Does that mean,” asked the other, “that they make ashes of themselves?”

森林之火

一名婦女向她最好的朋友大談雄性動(dòng)物的特性：“丈夫們就像是森林里的火，一不注意，他們就會(huì)燃燒起來?！?/p>

“那是不是意味著，”另一個(gè)問道，“他們將自己燒成灰燼?”

Best Reward

A naval officer fell overboard.He was rescued by a deck hand.The officer asked how he could reward him.“The best way, sir,” said the deck hand, “is to say nothing about it.If the other fellows knew I‘d pulled you out, they‘d chuck me in.”

最好的獎(jiǎng)賞

一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問如何才能酬謝他。

“最好的辦法，長(zhǎng)官，”這名水手說，“是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會(huì)把我扔下去的?！?/p>

Napoleon Was Ill

Jack had gone to the university to study history, but at the end of his first year, his history professor failed him in his examinations, and he was told that he would have to leave the university.However, his father decided that he would go to see the professor to urge him to let Jack continue his studies the following year.“He‘s a good boy,” said Jack‘s father, “and if you let him pass this time, I‘m sure he‘ll improve a lot next year and pass the examinations at the end of it really well.”

“No, no, that‘s quite impossible,” replied the professor immediately.“Do you know, last month I asked him when Napoleon had died, he didn‘t know!”

“Please, sir, give him another chance,” said Jack‘s father.“You see, I‘m afraid we don‘t take any newspaper in our house, so none of us even know that Napoleon was ill.”

拿破侖病了

杰克到一所大學(xué)去學(xué)歷史。第一學(xué)期結(jié)束時(shí)，歷史課教授沒讓他及格。學(xué)校讓他退學(xué)。然而，杰克的父親決定去見教授，強(qiáng)烈要求讓杰克繼續(xù)來年的學(xué)業(yè)。

“他是個(gè)好孩子，”杰克的父親說：“您要是讓他這次及格，我相信他明年會(huì)有很大進(jìn)步，學(xué)期結(jié)束時(shí)，他一定會(huì)考好的?！?/p>

“不，不，那不可能，”教授馬上回答?！澳阒绬?上個(gè)月我問他拿破侖什么時(shí)候死的，他都不知道?！?/p>

“先生，請(qǐng)?jiān)俳o他一次機(jī)會(huì)吧?！苯芸说母赣H說：“你不知道，恐怕是因?yàn)槲覀兗覜]有訂報(bào)紙。我們家的人連拿破侖病了都不知道?！?/p>

He Was Only Wrong by Two

Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an Amercian college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren‘t always smart enought to be accepted by the college.One day the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well,” the dean said after some persuasion, “I‘d better ask him a few questions first.”

Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn‘t know any of the answers.At last the dean said, “Well, what‘s five times seven?”

The student thought for a long time and then answered, “Thirty-six.”

The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly, “Oh, please let him in, sir!He was only wrong by two.”

他的得數(shù)只比正確答案多二

杰克霍金斯是美國(guó)一所學(xué)院的橄欖球隊(duì)教練，他竭力想物色好球員。但是好球員學(xué)業(yè)不行，院方不愿錄取。

有一天，教練帶著一位優(yōu)秀的年輕球員去見院長(zhǎng)，希望院方同意他免試入學(xué)。經(jīng)過一番勸說后院長(zhǎng)說：“那我最好先問問他幾個(gè)問題。”

然后他轉(zhuǎn)向?qū)W生，問了幾個(gè)非常簡(jiǎn)單的問題?？墒悄莻€(gè)學(xué)生一個(gè)也答不上來。

最后院長(zhǎng)說：“那么，五乘七得多少?”

學(xué)生想了很久，然后回答說：“三十六?！?/p>

院長(zhǎng)攤開雙手失望地看了看教練。可是教練認(rèn)真地說，“噢，錄取他吧，先生。他的答案只比正確答案多二?！?/p>

Real Play

When I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I required my students to attend the university theater‘s current production and write a critique.After viewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: “The play was so real, I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television.”

逼真的戲劇

我在北達(dá)科他州立大學(xué)教戲劇入門課時(shí)，要求學(xué)生們?nèi)タ磳W(xué)校劇團(tuán)當(dāng)時(shí)的演出，并寫一篇評(píng)論?？戳艘粓?chǎng)極為精彩的演出后，一名學(xué)生寫道：“這部戲劇是如此逼真，以致于我認(rèn)為我自己是坐在家里的沙發(fā)上，從電視上看到的?！?/p>

A Fine Match

One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor.She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops.There she bought a mousetrap.The shopkeeper said to her, “Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse.”

The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it.She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful!When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!

勢(shì)均力敵

有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了一只老鼠夾。店主告訴她：“放點(diǎn)奶酪在里面，很快你就會(huì)逮住那只老鼠的?！?/p>

這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家里，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到奶酪。她不想再回到商店里去，因?yàn)橐呀?jīng)很晚了。于是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅奶酪的圖片放進(jìn)了夾子。

令人稱奇的是，這畫有奶酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)鼠夾里奶酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!

Gardening Gloves

For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold.On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions.I held my hands up and said, “Well, you‘ll notice that my hands are bare.”

Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm.“Happy birthday,” he said, as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.園藝手套

幾個(gè)月以來，我一直在向丈夫暗示我需要一枚新的結(jié)婚戒指，因?yàn)槲覍?duì)黃金有點(diǎn)過敏。生日那天，我正在干園藝活時(shí)，丈夫問我想要什么禮物。我舉起雙手說：“嗯，你肯定看到了，我的兩手都是光光的?！?/p>

那天晚上，我滿懷熱情地拆開了丈夫送的禮物。“生日快樂!”他說。我打開一看：里面包著一雙園藝手套。

Warning

Several weeks after our son began his freshman year at Alma College in Michigan, my husband and I decided to visit him.I was careful to call him a few days in advance to “warn” him that we would be coming.When we arrived at the dorm, however, I was taken aback by the disarray of his room.“Forgot we were coming, didn‘t you?” I teased.“Are you kidding?” he replied, “Why else would I have bothered to clean?”

提醒

我們的兒子是密歇根州阿爾馬大學(xué)的新生，開學(xué)幾個(gè)星期之后，我和丈夫決定去看看他。我特意提前給他打電話，“提醒”他我們將光臨。但是當(dāng)我們來到宿舍時(shí)，他的房間凌亂不堪，我非常吃驚?！巴宋覀円獊?，是吧?”我取笑他。

“開什么玩笑?“，他回答說，“要不我憑什么費(fèi)神打掃?”

Ground Rules

One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor.Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, “Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don‘t mind if you look at your watches during class.I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they‘re still running.”

基本原則

位于吉拉多海角的密蘇里東南州立大學(xué)有一位我非常喜歡的老師，他奇特的幽默感很是出名。在對(duì)一個(gè)新生班級(jí)講解他的基本原則時(shí)，他說：“我知道我的講課可能經(jīng)常會(huì)枯燥乏味，了無生趣，所以如果你們?cè)谏险n時(shí)看表我并不介意。不過我堅(jiān)決反對(duì)你們將表在課桌上猛敲看它們是不是還在走。” 推薦閱讀：

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第三篇：英語幽默小故事

A: We have got a new dog.Would you like to come around and play with him? B: Well, I don't know---does he bite?

A: That's what I want to find out.The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被寵壞的）.His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him.He hardly left her side.And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（亂發(fā)脾氣）.Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along(相處)all right? did you cry? Cry? John asked.No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!

六歲的約翰嬌生慣養(yǎng)。他的父親知道這一點(diǎn)，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學(xué)才離開祖母的懷抱。

約翰放學(xué)了，他奶奶在門口接他并問道：學(xué)校怎么樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？ 哭？約翰問，不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, “What happened?” “A kid bit me,” replied Ivan.“Would you recognize him if you saw him again?” asked his mother.“I'd know him any where,” said Ivan.“I have his ear in my pocket.”

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家里。他媽媽問，“發(fā)生了什么事？”

“一個(gè)男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡說。

“再見到他你能認(rèn)出來嗎？”媽媽問。

“他走到哪里我都能認(rèn)出他，”伊凡說?！八亩溥€在我衣兜里呢?！?/p>

come homego homeget home

當(dāng) home 前面 有所有格形式 時(shí)是名詞可用 come to比如 come to one?s home

另外這三個(gè)都表示“回家”。方向是一回事，我想最重要的是說話者的方位。

如“When will you come home?”說明說者在家，或是他的家人；而“When will you go home?" 一般情況下，說者不在家中。

至于get home，強(qiáng)調(diào)的是已經(jīng)到家，get有確定到達(dá)的意思。

第四篇：英語幽默小故事

英語幽默小故事

The Bear and the Two Travelers

TWO man were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path.One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches.The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body.When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear.“He gave me this advice,” his companion replied.“Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger.”

An ant went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and being carried away by the rush of the stream, was on the point of drowning.A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her.The Ant climbed onto it and floated in safety to the bank.Shortly afterwards a bird catcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs for the Dove, which sat in the branches.The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him in the foot.In pain the bird catcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing.One good turn deserves another

Love Your Life

熱愛生活

Henry David Thoreau/享利.大衛(wèi).梭羅

However mean your life is,meet it and live it;do not shun it and call it hard names.It is not so bad as you are.It looks poorest when you are richest.The fault-finder will find faults in paradise.Love your life,poor as it is.You may perhaps have some pleasant,thrilling,glorious hourss,even in a poor-house.The setting sun is reflected from the windows of the alms-house as brightly as

from the rich man’s abode;the snow melts before its door as early in the spring.I do not see but a quiet mind may live as contentedly there,and have as cheering thoughts,as in a palace.The town’s poor seem to me often to live the most in dependent lives of any.May be they are simply great enough to receive without misgiving.Most think that they are above being supported by the town;

but it of ten happens that they are not above supporting themselves by dishonest means.which should be more disreputable.Cultivate poverty like a garden herb,like sage.Do not trouble yourself much to get new things,whether clothes or friends,Turn the old,return to them.Things do not change;we change.Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.不論你的生活如何卑賤，你要面對(duì)它生活，不要躲避它，更別用惡言咒罵它。它不像你那樣壞。你最富有的時(shí)候，倒是看似最窮。愛找缺點(diǎn)的人就是到天堂里也能找到缺點(diǎn)。你要愛你的生活，盡管它貧窮。甚至在一個(gè)濟(jì)貧院里，你也還有愉快、高興、光榮的時(shí)候。夕陽反射在濟(jì)貧院的窗上，像身在富戶人家窗上一樣光亮；在那門前，積雪同在早春融化。

我只看到，一個(gè)從容的人，在哪里也像在皇宮中一樣，生活得心滿意足而富有愉快的思想。城鎮(zhèn)中的窮人，我看，倒往往是過著最獨(dú)立不羈的生活。也許因?yàn)樗麄兒軅ゴ螅允苤疅o愧。大多數(shù)人以為他們是超然的，不靠城鎮(zhèn)來支援他們；可是事實(shí)上他們是往往利用了不正當(dāng)?shù)氖侄蝸韺?duì)付生活，他們是毫不超脫的，毋寧是不體面的。視貧窮如園中之花而像圣人一樣耕植它吧！不要找新的花樣，無論是新的朋友或新的衣服，來麻煩你自己。找舊的，回到那里去。萬物不變，是我們?cè)谧儭Ｄ愕囊路梢再u掉，但要保留你的思想。

Ladies and Gentlemen, Good morning!I’m very glad to stand here and give you a short speech.Man’s life is a process of growing up, actually I’m standing here is a growth.If a person’s life must constituted by various choices, then I grow up along with these choices.Once I hope I can study in a college in future, however that’s passed, as you know I come here, now I wonder what the future holds for me.When I come to this school, I told to myself: this my near future, all starts here.Following I will learn to become a man, a integrated man, who has a fine body, can take on important task, has independent thought, an open mind, intensive thought, has the ability to judge right and wrong, has a perfect job.

Once my teacher said :” you are not sewing, you are stylist;never forget which you should lay out to people is your thought, not craft.” I will put my personality with my interest and ability into my study, during these process I will combine learning with doing.If I can achieve this “future”, I think that I really grow up.And I deeply believe kindred, good-fellowship and love will perfection and happy in the future.

How to say future? Maybe it’s a nice wish.Lets make up our minds, stick to it

and surely well enjoy our life.中文大意：）~

女士們，先生們，上午好。我很高興在這里為大家作一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)短的講話。

人的一生是一個(gè)成長(zhǎng)的過程，事實(shí)上，我現(xiàn)在站在這里也是一次成長(zhǎng)。如果一個(gè)人的一生必須面臨不同的選擇，那么我就是伴隨著這些選擇成長(zhǎng)起來的。曾經(jīng)我盼望將來能上大學(xué)，然而那已經(jīng)過去了，現(xiàn)在我在這兒，只想知道我的未來會(huì)是什么樣的。

當(dāng)我來到這所學(xué)校，我告訴我自己：我不久的將來都從這里開始。接著我要學(xué)習(xí)如何做人，如何做一個(gè)正直的人，并且擁有一個(gè)健康的體魄，能承擔(dān)重要的任務(wù)，能獨(dú)立思考，思想開放，心思縝密，有判斷是非的能力，有一份不錯(cuò)的工作。

我的老師曾經(jīng)告訴我說：“你不是在修補(bǔ)而是在創(chuàng)造；永遠(yuǎn)不要忘記你向人們所展示的是你的思想，而不是你的手藝?！蔽視?huì)將我的性格，興趣愛好和能力一起融入到學(xué)習(xí)中去。在這過程中，我邊學(xué)習(xí)邊實(shí)踐。如果我能實(shí)現(xiàn)這個(gè)“未來”，我就認(rèn)為我真的成長(zhǎng)了。并且我深信我的親人，好朋友以及愛會(huì)使我的未來更完美，更幸福。

如何來解釋未來呢? 也許那只是一個(gè)美好的愿望。讓我們下定決心，堅(jiān)持到底，那我們的人生一定能過得很精彩。

世界節(jié)日（1）Spring Festival（春節(jié)）

作者：節(jié)日轉(zhuǎn)貼自：本站原創(chuàng)點(diǎn)擊數(shù)：578文章錄入： 湖北華審

The New Moon on the first day of the new year--the full moon 15 days later

Chinese New Year starts with the New Moon（新月）on the first day of the new year and ends on the full moon（滿月）15 days later.The 15th day of the new year is called the Lantern Festival（元宵節(jié)）, which is celebrated at night with lantern displays and children carrying lanterns in a parade.The Chinese calendar is based on a combination of lunar and solar movements.The lunar cycle（月運(yùn)周期）is about 29.5 days.In order to “catch up” with the solar calendar the Chinese insert an extra month once every few years(seven years out of a 19-yearcycle).This is the same as adding an extra day on leap year（閏年）.This is why, according to the solar calendar, the Chinese New Year falls on a different date each year.New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are celebrated as a family affair, a time of reunion and thanksgiving.The celebration was traditionally highlighted with a religious ceremony given in honor of Heaven and Earth（萬物）, the gods of the household and the family ancestors.The sacrifice to the ancestors, the most vital of all the rituals（儀式）, united the living members with those who had passed away.Departed relatives are remembered with great respect because they were responsible for laying the foundations for the fortune and glory of the family.The presence of the ancestors is acknowledged on New Year's Eve with a dinner arranged for them at the family banquet table.The spirits of the ancestors,together with the living, celebrate the onset of the New Year as one great community.The communal feast called “surrounding the stove” or weilu.It symbolizes family unity and honors the past and present generations.The Origin of Chinese New Year

The Chinese New Year is now popularly known as the Spring Festival because it starts from the Begining of Spring(the first of the twenty-four terms in coodination with the changes of Nature).Its origin is too old to be traced.Several explanations are hanging around.All agree, however, that the word Nian, which in modern Chinese solely means “year”, was originally the name of a monster beast that started to prey on people the night before the beginning of a new year.One legend goes that the beast Nian had a very big mouth that would swallow a great many people with one bite.People were very scared.One day, an old man came to their rescue, offering to subdue Nian.To Nian he said, “I hear say that you are very capable, but can you swallow the other beasts of prey on earth instead of people who are by no means of your worthy opponents?” So, it did swallow many of the beasts of prey on earth that also harrassed people and their domestic animals from time to time.After that, the old man disappeared riding the beast Nian.He turned out to be an immortal god.Now that Nian is gone and other beasts of prey are also scared into forests, people begin to enjoy their peaceful life.Before the old man left, he had told people to put up red paper decorations on their windows and doors at each year's end to scare away Nian in case it sneaked back again, because red is the color the beast feared the most.From then on, the tradition of observing the conquest of Nian is carried on from generation to generation.The term “Guo Nian”, which may mean “Survive the Nian” becomes today “Celebrate the(New)Year” as the word “guo” in Chinese having both the meaning of “pass-over” and “observe”.The custom of putting up red paper and firing fire-crackers to scare away Nian should it have a chance to run loose is still around.However, people today have long forgotten why they are doing all this, except that they feel the color and the sound add to the excitement of the celebration.Traditional New Year Foods

Probably more food is consumed during the New Year celebrations than any other time of the year.Vast amounts of traditional food is prepared for family and friends, as well as those close to us who have died.On New Year's Day, the Chinese family will eat a vegetarian dish called jai.Although the various ingredients in jai are root vegetables or fibrous vegetables, many people attribute various superstitious aspects to them.Other foods include a whole fish, to represent togetherness and abundance, and a chicken for prosperity.The chicken must be presented with a head, tail and feet to symbolize completeness.Noodles should be uncut, as they represent long life.In south China, the favorite and most typical dishes were nian gao, sweet

steamed glutinous rice（糯米）pudding and zong zi(glutinous rice wrapped up in reed（蘆葦）leaves), another popular delicacy.In the north, steamed-wheat bread(man tou)and small meat dumplings were the preferred food.The tremendous amount of food prepared at this time was meant to symbolize abundance and wealth for the household.The 15-Day Celebration of Chinese New Year

The first day of the Lunar New Year is “the welcoming of the gods of the heavens and earth.”Many people abstain from meat on the first day of the new year because it is believed that this will ensure long and happy lives for them.On the second day, the Chinese pray to their ancestors as well as to all the gods.They are extra kind to dogs and feed them well as it is believed that the second day is the birthday of all dogs.The third and fourth days are for the sons-in-laws to pay respect to their parents-in-law.The fifth day is called Po Woo.On that day people stay home to welcome the God of Wealth.No one visits families and friends on the fifth day because it will bring both parties bad luck.On the sixth to the 10th day, the Chinese visit their relatives and friends freely.They also visit the temples to pray for good fortune and health.The seventh day of the New Year is the day for farmers to display their produce.These farmers make a drink from seven types of vegetables to celebrate the occasion.The seventh day is also considered the birthday of human beings.Noodles are eaten to promote longevity and raw fish for success.On the eighth day the Fujian people have another family reunion dinner, and at midnight they pray to Tian Gong, the God of Heaven.The ninth day is to make offerings to the Jade Emperor.The 10th through the 12th are days that friends and relatives should be invited for dinner.After so much rich food, on the 13th day you should have simple rice congee and mustard greens(choi sum)to cleanse the system.The 14th day should be for preparations to celebrate the Lantern Festival which is to be held on the 15th night.Auspicious words:

Treasures fill the homeBusiness flourishesPeace all year roundWishing you prosperity

Harmony brings wealth May all your wishes come trueEverything goes wellThe country flourishes and people live in peace

Money and treasures will be plentifulWishing you every successPromoting to a higher positionSafe trip wherever you go

第五篇：英語幽默小故事

英語幽默小故事

Where is the egg? Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”? Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg"? Student:In the cake,Sir.雞蛋在哪里？

老師：你能用“雞蛋”一詞造句嗎？ 學(xué)生：可以。我昨天吃了一塊蛋糕。老師：“雞蛋”在哪？ 學(xué)生：在蛋糕里，先生 Son: Dad, give me a dime.Father: Son, don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes? Son: I guess you're right, Dad, Give me a dollar, will you? 兒子：爸爸，給我一角錢。

父親：兒子，你不認(rèn)為你已經(jīng)長(zhǎng)大了，不該再老是一角一角地要錢了(該自立了)，不是嗎？

兒子：爸爸，我想你是對(duì)的，那給我一塊錢行嗎？

I'm sorry，Madam，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth.”

“Twenty d ollars!Why，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”

“Yes，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office.”

“對(duì)不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元?！? “20美元！為什么？不是說好只要4美元?！?/p>

“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個(gè)病人嚇跑了?！?/p>

Ten Candies

Mother asks her son, “Jim, if you have ten candies, and you eat four, then how many candles do you have?”

“Ten.” Jim says.“Then,” Mother asks.“Yes, Mum.Four candles are in my stomach and six candies are out of my stomach.Four and six is ten, isn’t it right?”

十塊糖

媽媽問兒子：“吉姆，如果你有10塊糖，吃了4塊，那你還有幾塊糖？”

“10塊?！奔氛f。

“10塊？”媽媽問。

“是的，媽媽。因?yàn)?塊在我的肚子里面，6塊在肚子外面，4加6等于10，不對(duì)嗎？”

It’s Good to Admit a Fault John is not a “good” student.He always sleeps in the class.Today he sleeps again.“John!” Teacher says angrily.“What? What’s wrong?” John is awaken.“Why do you make a face? It’s classroom.Look!Everyone is laughing.” Teacher says.“No one is laughing.” Teacher says.“No, it’s not me.I was not making a face.I was sleeping.” John fells upset.“Um.Not bad.You can admit your fault.You are still a good boy.” Teacher is satisfied with it.認(rèn)錯(cuò)

約翰并不是個(gè)“好”學(xué)生。他總是在上課的時(shí)候睡覺。今天他又睡著了。

“約翰！”老師生氣地喊他。

“什么？出什么事了？”約翰醒了。

“你為什么要做鬼臉？這是教室！看看！同學(xué)們都在笑！”老師生氣地說。“沒有人在笑呀。”其他同學(xué)笑聲地嘀咕。

“不，不是我。我沒有做鬼臉。剛才我睡著了?！奔s翰感到不安。

“嗯，還不錯(cuò)。你承認(rèn)自己的錯(cuò)誤，還是給好孩子”老師為此感到滿意。

Adding Feet to a Snake

One day, Mr.Lion holds a party.Many animals come and drink a lot of wine.At last there is a pot of wine.Who can drink it? They drink out an idea and decide to have a match-Draw a snake.If you finish first, you can get it.Soon Mr.Wolf finishes drawing.“Yeah, I’ve finished.I’m No.1,” he says.But he draws again and says, “Oh, let me add feet and my snake.” At the time, Mr.Gorilla also finishes.He takes away the pot of wine and drinks, then he says, “That isn’t a snake.Snakes have no feet.I get the wine.”

畫蛇添足

一天，獅子先生舉行一場(chǎng)聚會(huì)，許多動(dòng)物都來了，他們喝很多酒。最后只剩一壺酒了。讓誰喝呢？它們想了想，有個(gè)主意。它們比賽畫蛇，誰最快畫好，誰就喝這壺酒。

不一會(huì)，狼先生畫好了?！肮?，我畫好了，我是第一個(gè)。”它說?？墒撬之嬃似饋?，它還說：“再給它加幾只腳吧。”這是猩猩先生也畫好了。它拿起那酒壺喝起來。一邊喝一邊說：“那不是蛇，蛇是沒有腳的，我贏了這壺酒?！?/p>

Covering One’s Ears While Stealing a Bell

Mr.Wang thinks he is clever, but he always does foolish things.One day he sees a beautiful bell at the top of a door.“Oh!How nice!I will take it home.” He thinks, “What can I do?” After a while he has a “good” idea.“Aha!I have an idea now.I can plug my ears.Then I will not hear the ring when I take off the bell.”

Then he does so.But as soon as he takes off the bell, the owner opens the door.“What ate you doing?” the owner says angrily.掩耳盜鈴

王先生總以為自己很聰明，實(shí)際上他總干傻事。

一天，他看見一戶人家的門頭有個(gè)很漂亮的鈴鐺。“啊，真漂亮?。∥乙阉没丶胰??！彼匝宰哉Z道：“我該怎么做呢？”過了一會(huì)兒他想到了一個(gè)“好”主意?！鞍」∥矣修k法了！我把耳朵堵上，拿鈴鐺的時(shí)候就聽不見鈴聲了?！?/p>

于是他就這樣做了?？墒撬麆偰孟骡忚K，屋子的主人就打開門，怒氣沖沖地說：“你在干什么？”

Look at the Sky from the Bottom of a Well

There is a frog.He lives in a well and he never goes out of the well.He thinks the sky is as big as the mouth of the well.One day a crow comes to the well.He sees the frog and says, “Frog, let’s have a talk.” Then the frog asks, “Where are you from?” “I fly from the sky,” the crow says.The frog feels surprised and says, “The sky is only as big as the mouth of the well.How do you fly from the sky?”

The crow says, “The sky is very big.You always stay in the well, so you don’t know the world is big.”

The frog says, “I don’t believe.” But the crow says, “You can come out and have a look by yourself.”

So the frog comes out from the well.He is very surprised.How big the world is!

坐井觀天

有一只青蛙住在井底，他從來沒有去過井外面。他以為天空就和井口一樣大。一天，一只烏鴉飛到井邊，看見青蛙，就對(duì)它說：“青蛙，咱們聊聊吧?！鼻嗤芫蛦査骸澳銖哪睦飦?？”“我從天上上來。青蛙驚訝了，就說：“天空就只有這井口這么大，你怎么會(huì)從天上飛老呢？”

烏鴉說：“天空很大。只不過你一直呆在井里，所有不知道世界很大?！鼻嗤苷f：“我不相信?！睘貘f說：“你可以出來，自己看看嘛?！?于是青蛙來到井外。他十分驚訝，原來世界這么大！

The Clever King Solomon

Long, long ago, there was a king.Solomon was his name.He was very clever.In his country, there were two women.They lived in the same house and each had a child.One night, one of the babies died.The dead baby’s mother took the other woman’s baby, and put it in her own bed.The next morning , they had a quarrel.“No, this is my baby!” The dead is yours!”

Each one wanted the living baby.So they went to see King Solomon.“Bring me a knife, cut the child into two and five each woman one half.” said the King.“Oh.Your Majesty!Give her my baby.Please don’t kill my baby!”

Then King Solomon pointed to the woman in teas and said, “Give the baby to her.She is the mother.”

聰明的國(guó)王所羅門

很久很久之前，有一位國(guó)王，他的名字叫所羅門，他非常聰明。

在他的國(guó)家里，有兩位婦女，她們住在同一間房子里。各有一個(gè)嬰兒。

一天夜里，其中一個(gè)嬰兒死了。他的媽媽抱另一位婦女的小孩，把他放在自己的床上。

第二天早上，他們發(fā)生了爭(zhēng)吵。

“不，這是我的孩子！這個(gè)死的是你的！”

他們都想要這個(gè)活著的孩子，于是她們?nèi)ヒ娝_門國(guó)王。

“給我拿把刀來，把這個(gè)孩子切成兩半，沒人一半?！眹?guó)王判決道。

“哦，陛下，把我的孩子給她吧。請(qǐng)不要?dú)⒘宋业暮⒆?！”一位母親哭喊道。于是所羅門指著流淚的婦女說：“把孩子給她，她是真正的母親。”

Two Holes for the Dogs

My uncle has two dogs.One is big and the other is small.He likes them very much.One day, Mr.Smith came to visit him.When the friend saw two holes in the door, a large hole and a small hole, he was surprised and said, “My dear friend, why are there two holes in your door?” “Let my dogs come in and come out, of course,” Mr.Smith asked.“But why are there two holes? One is enough!” “But how can the big dog go through the small hole?” my uncle said.Sometimes a clever man may make such mistakes.兩個(gè)狗洞

我的叔叔有兩條狗。一只是大的，另一只是小狗的。他很喜歡它們。

有一天，史密斯先生來看他。當(dāng)這個(gè)朋友看見門口上有連個(gè)洞，一個(gè)是大洞和一個(gè)小洞時(shí)，他感到吃驚并說，“我親愛的朋友，為什么你的門上有連個(gè)洞？”我的叔叔回答說：“當(dāng)然是讓我的兩條狗進(jìn)出了?！?史密斯先生問到：“ 為什么門上要兩個(gè)洞呢？一個(gè)就足夠了?！?我叔叔說：“大狗怎能走小洞呢？” 有時(shí)聰明的人可能會(huì)犯這樣的錯(cuò)誤。