第一篇：最搞笑的英文滑稽表演劇本

The bank

Scene: The manager’s office in a bank

Characters: Miss D.Posit, the bank manager

Monica, Miss Posit’s secretary

Mr.Moore, a customer

A bank robber

Miss Posit is sitting at her desk.The robber comes in suddenly

Robber: Nobody move!

Posit: Of course, I am professional.When I am working, I never move around.Robber: Read this.Posit: “Three tomatoes, four eggs and two cans of Coca-Cola.” You can get out, turn right, there is a Wal-mart.You will get what you want there.Robber: Oh, thanks.(The robber turns back and goes out.)

Monica brings Mr.Moore in.Monica: Mr.Moore.Miss Posit: Good morning, Mr.Moore.Mr.Moore: Good morning.Miss Posit: Thank you, Monica.Monica leaves the office.Miss Posit: Do sit down, Mr.Moore.Mr.Moore: Thank you.He sits down.Miss Posit: Now, Mr.Moore, the situation is like this.You account is overdrawn.￥10,000 overdrawn.Mr.Moore: Oh, good.He takes out his credit cards and shows them to the manager.Miss Posit: Mr.Moore, Mr.Moore, if you use your credit cards, you’ll be overdrawn more, Mr.Moore.The robber comes back again with a bag of grocery at hand.Robber: Nobody move!

Miss Posit: Can I help you?

Robber: That’s better.You-

Mr.Moore: Me?

Robber: Yes.Read this.He gives Mr.Moore a note.Mr.Moore: Oh.OK.Er…(Reading)“Three tomatoes, four eggs…”

Robber: No, no, no.The other side this time.Mr.Moore: Oh, sorry.Er…(Reading)“Give me all your…h(huán)oney, or I’ll kiss you.”

Robber: Not kiss-kill!

Mr.Moore: Oh.Er…Miss Posit.I think this is for you.He gives the note to Miss Posit.Miss Posit:(Reading)“Give me all your money, or I’ll kill you.” I see.Would you sit down for a moment?

Robber: Sit down?

Miss Posit: Yes.I am very busy at the moment.Please sit over there.Robber: But-

Miss Posit: I’ll be with you in a moment.The robber sits down.Miss Posit: Now, Mr.Moore.You spend twice as much as you earn.Mr.Moore: But I earn ￥5000 a month.Robber: Excuse me!

Miss Posit: Yes!

Robber: I make ￥50,000 a month.Miss Posit: Really? Would you like to sit here?

Robber: Thank you.Miss Posit: Mr.Moore, would you sit over there for a moment.The robber and Mr.Moore change places.Miss Posit: Tell me… where do you keep this money?

Robber: Here, in this bag.He puts a large bag full of money on the desk.Miss Posit: Oh, oh, yes.Very nice.Um…would you like to open an account, Mr…?

Robber: Robber.Miss Posit: Well, just excuse me one moment, Mr.Robber.I’ll ask Monica to get the necessary papers.Robber: Certainly.Miss Posit leaves the office.Mr.Moore: Excuse me…

Robber: Yes?

Mr.Moore: You make ￥50,000 a month.Robber: Yes.Mr.Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: I rob banks.Mr.Moore: Oh, I see.You rob banks and steal the money.Robber: Yes.Mr.Moore: How do you do it?

Robber: It’s easy.First, you need a mask.Mr.Moore: Oh, nice, I have got one.Robber: Well, then you take a gun-

Mr.Moore: I haven’t got a gun.Robber: Oh…well, borrow mine.Mr.Moore: Thank you very much.Robber: You take a gun and you take a note.Mr.Moore: Oh, yes, the note.That’s very good.I like that.(Reading)“Three tomatoes, four eggs-”

Robber: The other side!

Mr.Moore: Oh yes.(Reading)“Give me all you honey, or I’ll kiss you!”

Robber: “Money” and “kill”!

Mr.Moore: Oh, yes.Robber: You wear a mask, take the note, go into the bank, and put the note on the bank manager’s desk.Mr.Moore: Is that all?

Robber: Yes.Mr.Moore: I see.Monica comes back with papers.Monica: Ah, yes.Now, Mr.Robber-

Mr.Moore: Give me all your honey…money, or I’ll kiss…kill you.Monica:(Scared)Money, Mr.Moore? Certainly.Take this bag.She gives Mr.Moore the robber’s bag.Mr.Moore: Oh, thank you.That was easy.Robber: Yes, but-

Monica: Mr.Moore, your account is still ￥10,000 overdrawn.Mr.Moore: Oh, yes.Well…um…Here you are.He gives here ￥10,000 from the robber’s bag.Mr.Moore: ￥1000, ￥2000, ￥3000, ￥4000-

Robber: But…but…

Monica: Thank you.Mr.Moore.Mr.Moore: Goodbye.Mr.Moore leaves.Miss Posit: Now, Mr.Robber, here is your account…

Robber: But…But…But…

Monica: Mr.Robber, Mr.VIP, Here is my telephone number, My name is Monica…

Robber: Just a minute!I think something’s gone wrong.Hey, you!Come back!Bring back my money-and my gun!Come back!

He runs after Mr.Moore.Monica: Hey, don’t forget to call me.

第二篇：英文搞笑劇本

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校園搞笑小品劇本：英語話劇《賴皮孫子糊涂爺爺》

2009-03-16 19:08

演員:P: Pirate-Grandson.M: Mother.F: Father.K: King-Grandpa.旁白: There are 4 members in a family, Pirate, a 7-year-old naughty boy.His mummy is a beautiful white-collar worker.His dad, Andy Lau is a famous singer, and his dear grandpa, King is a kindly old man.Pirate loves his grandpa most, because King is very spoiling him.He hates his parents.Frankly speaking, he is afraid of them, Because they are very strict with him..正?。?P,K出場)

P: Old King, Open the TV, I want to see Tom and Jerry.I love that mouse.Quick!No time!I can’t wait another second.K: Oh dear!I nearly forget it.Don’t worry, I open it right now.(作開電視狀)P: Ha Ha!It’s really funny!Tom is so good!(作高興狀)

Oh no!“The End!” Where is Tom? I hate the end!(摔電視機，作極度氣憤狀)Old King!?(對K吼)

K：Oh, what a pity dog!(作左顧右盼狀)Your parents are not here ,and we can change another one ,our brave Pirate, just tell me.I’m sure your demand will be satisfied.(作充滿自信狀)

P：Really!OK!Now, let’s watch Caribbean Pirates!

K: Humm, No, it’s unfit for you??(作猶豫狀)

P: I just like this film, Old King, you tell lies.You don’t keep your promise.（作氣憤欲泣狀）

K;Oh yes, I play it for you.(作為難狀)But please be quite, I’m afraid your parents wound not like us doing these.P: Don’t tell so much!I have been an adult man of 7 years old.I promise it to you.(作自豪自信狀)

K：OK.(作舒心，安慰狀)

P: Fight him, kill him.Throw these bad guys into the sea??(高聲喊)K: Xu ??..(作禁聲狀).Remember your promise, young adult man.P: Oh? What promise? I have forgotten it.(作天經(jīng)地義狀)

K: Oh?!You are right（作理解狀，因為Pirate一貫如此，出爾反爾）

P: Old King.I give you an honorable mission.(作自豪狀)Be my horse, and I will ride on your back , let’s help these people in dangerous situation, just like a brave knight.(作勇敢狀)

K: What!Ride on my back!Be your horse！(作驚異狀)

P: Yes, your hearing is very good, any question?(作若無其事狀)

K: No, No, sound a good idea!Very good!You are a brave Pirate.Now come on my back.(作無奈狀)

P:(作高興狀，作躍上馬背狀)Hei!Let’s go!Kill all those bad men.Quick!Run quick!.......(意氣風發(fā)狀)

（M,F攜手進場）:

P: Oh, my god!Mummy, Daddy!(A,D作慌忙狀，擋在電視機前)

M: Dad, what are you doing!? Naughty Pirate, isn’t your trick!?(作氣憤狀)

P:（作陽痿狀）Mummy, it’s not my fault.Old king let me massage his back.Hei Hei(作心虛狀，以掩飾內(nèi)心的恐懼)

M: I don’t believe it.(作嚴肅狀)Dad, isn’t really that?(詢問K)

K: Yes, of course, I can’t image a child only 5 year old, can massage so good.Oh??.(釋然狀，因為圓了我的謊)

M: Really.I don’t believe the litter pirate can massage, who taught him.(作懷疑狀)Dear, isn’t you ?

F: No, I haven’t, but I decide to enjoy his massage another day, Do you think so, dear?

M: Yes, really a good suggestion.（P，D作驚恐狀。A：發(fā)抖，D：揮汗)

（P擋著電視怕被M、F發(fā)現(xiàn)，K也為P作掩飾）

P: Mummy, Do you feel a little cold?

K: Yes, I can feel it.(邊揮汗邊說冷)

M: No, it’s summer.Really hot, do you catch cold?

P: No, No, just my feeling.(更加發(fā)抖，一不小心被B看到了電視)

M: Pirate, what’s behind you?(疑問狀)

P: Oh, nothing, nothing!(作驚恐狀)

M: Move away.little Pirate!(作氣憤狀)

P: Oh no!The storm will come.(捂臉作害怕狀)

M: Caribbean Pirate!What’s a bad film!Little Pirate!?(氣憤狀)

P: Mummy, I surrender.(作投降狀)

M: Daddy ,this film is unfit for him , it is full of killing，force and negative passion, and it will let him become bad!

K: I know that, but I meat to let him watch Tom and Jerry and he like it very much.Yes? Pirate?(想轉(zhuǎn)移話題與Pirate站在同一戰(zhàn)線)

P: Yes, a very clever mouse and a stupid cat.(作博學狀)

M: Dad, don’t let him watch so much TV, it wastes a lot of time, and it is bad for his eyesight.He may become short-sighted.(誠懇狀)

第三篇：滑稽雙簧劇本

甲：我們二人給大家?guī)硪欢位p簧，按常規(guī)我先化個小壯，像不像三分樣。（化妝；開始表演）

觀眾朋友你聽我講，欣賞雙簧是最理想，有說有笑有模樣，首先請你們鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌……

甲：出來，我想給你一巴掌，還沒有表演呢，就讓大家鼓掌。

乙：鼓掌熱鬧??！

甲：你表演好，大家自然而然會給你鼓掌。

乙：哦，這樣的甲：再來，熱鬧的乙：好嘞！

春節(jié)到，好熱鬧，我在油庫里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……

甲：出來，你真的想死吧？ 在油庫放鞭炮 ??！

乙：那你說在哪放？

甲：除了油庫什么庫都可以。

乙：哦，這可是你說的哦！

甲：恩。

春節(jié)到，好熱鬧，我在短褲里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……

甲：出來，唉你說你缺德不缺德?。?/p>

乙：這不是你自己說除了油庫什么庫都可以的嘛！

甲：水庫，水庫安全，不容易發(fā)生火災

乙：好水庫就水庫！

春節(jié)到，好熱鬧，我在油庫里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……嘿嘿……這個，太小了，我換一個大點兒的…可……西西西……啵。叭叭……嘿嘿，真好玩，我換一個更大點兒的…可……西西西…西西西…西西西…西西西……嗯？……嗯？西…………啵……叭叭！嘿嘿，真好玩，我再給觀眾來個更大點的…… 甲：出來，你小子缺德不缺德?。磕阏ㄍ暝u委還想炸觀眾。

乙：這不是觀眾的掌聲不夠熱烈嘛！

甲：嘿嘿，看來觀眾還是明智的。聽這掌聲，不表演都不好意思了哦。

乙：行，來吧！

我叫何翠花，今年二十八，懷孕九月大，眼看就要臨盆了，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦。咣咣咣，撲，一個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，撲，兩個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，撲，五個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，撲，十個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦……

甲：給我出來，你是生小孩還是生小豬呢？

乙：哎呀，我忘記你是個男的了，把你當女的了，對這兒沒有經(jīng)驗！

甲：這女的也沒有你這樣的??！

乙：那我們再換一個？

甲：行

我叫馬小哈，今年四歲了，出來逛大街，不見我爸爸，爸爸、爸爸、爸爸，你是不是老子爸爸、你是不是老子爸爸？……

甲：出來出來，我怎么敢跟我爸稱老子呢？

乙：那你所我我該怎么說？

甲：你應該說你是不是我爸爸

乙：??？

甲：你是不是我爸爸

乙：啊？本文轉(zhuǎn)自：http://咖啡吧劇本網(wǎng)

甲：你是不是我爸爸

乙：這個嘛，如果你不介意的話，可以是！

甲：去你的！

乙：哎呀，不好意思，開個玩笑嘛！咱們繼續(xù)演節(jié)目。

甲：我不演了，堅決不演了。

乙：你說下面觀眾這么期待，你能不演么？再說了，如果你走了我一個人怎么演啊？

甲：要我演可以，但是你演前臉我演后臉。（看我不整死他……）

乙：行，來吧！

各位落座沉住氣聽我二人來段老話劇，劇情說的是表兄妹，依依不舍難分離。哦，親愛的表妹，我就要離開你；哦，親愛的表哥，你要到哪里去？哦，親愛的表妹，我要到湖北衛(wèi)視表演去；哦，親愛的表哥，我不讓你走；不，我必須得走；嗯，我不讓你走嘛；不，我馬上就走；嗯，不讓你走，就不讓你走嘛，嗯……嗯……嗯……嗯嗯嗯……（摔倒）

甲：哎呦喂，你還是讓他走吧。

乙：為什么呀？

甲：再不走我的腰可要斷了！

乙：嘿，至于嗎？

第四篇：滑稽雙簧劇本

甲：我們二人給大家?guī)硪欢位p簧，按常規(guī)我先化個小壯，像不像三分樣。（化妝；開始表演）觀眾朋友你聽我講，欣賞雙簧是最理想，有說有笑有模樣，首先請你們鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌，鼓掌鼓掌鼓鼓掌……

甲：出來，我想給你一巴掌，還沒有表演呢，就讓大家鼓掌。乙：鼓掌熱鬧啊！

甲：你表演好，大家自然而然會給你鼓掌。乙：哦，這樣的 甲：再來，熱鬧的 乙：好嘞！

春節(jié)到，好熱鬧，我在油庫里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩…… 甲：出來，你真的想死吧？ 在油庫放鞭炮 ??！乙：那你說在哪放？ 甲：除了油庫什么庫都可以。乙：哦，這可是你說的哦！甲：恩。

春節(jié)到，好熱鬧，我在短褲里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩…… 甲：出來，唉你說你缺德不缺德啊？

乙：這不是你自己說除了油庫什么庫都可以的嘛！甲：水庫，水庫安全，不容易發(fā)生火災 乙：好水庫就水庫！

春節(jié)到，好熱鬧，我在水庫里放鞭炮，放鞭炮，真好玩……嘿嘿……這個，太小了，我換一個大點兒的…可……西西西……啵。叭叭……嘿嘿，真好玩，我換一個更大點兒的…可……西西西…西西西…西西西…西西西……嗯？……嗯？西…………?！劝龋『俸?，真好玩，我再給觀眾來個更大點的…… 甲：出來，你小子缺德不缺德??？你炸完評委還想炸觀眾。乙：這不是觀眾的掌聲不夠熱烈嘛！

甲：嘿嘿，看來觀眾還是明智的。聽這掌聲，不表演都不好意思了哦。乙：行，來吧！

我叫何翠花，今年二十八，懷孕九月大，眼看就要臨盆了，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦。咣咣咣，撲，一個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，撲，兩個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，撲，五個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦，咣咣咣，撲，十個。哎呦呦，哎呦呦，哎呦呦…… 甲：給我出來，你是生小孩還是生小豬呢？

乙：哎呀，我忘記你是個男的了，把你當女的了，對這兒沒有經(jīng)驗！甲：這女的也沒有你這樣的??！乙：那我們再換一個？ 甲：行

我叫馬小哈，今年四歲了，出來逛大街，不見我爸爸，爸爸、爸爸、爸爸，你是不是老子爸爸、你是不是老子爸爸？……

甲：出來出來，我怎么敢跟我爸稱老子呢？ 乙：那你所我我該怎么說？ 甲：你應該說你是不是我爸爸 乙：??？

甲：你是不是我爸爸

乙：??？本文轉(zhuǎn)自：http://咖啡吧劇本網(wǎng) 甲：你是不是我爸爸 乙：這個嘛，如果你不介意的話，可以是！甲：去你的！

乙：哎呀，不好意思，開個玩笑嘛！咱們繼續(xù)演節(jié)目。甲：我不演了，堅決不演了。

乙：你說下面觀眾這么期待，你能不演么？再說了，如果你走了我一個人怎么演?。?甲：要我演可以，但是你演前臉我演后臉。（看我不整死他……）乙：行，來吧！

各位落座沉住氣聽我二人來段老話劇，劇情說的是表兄妹，依依不舍難分離。哦，親愛的表妹，我就要離開你；哦，親愛的表哥，你要到哪里去？哦，親愛的表妹，我要到湖北衛(wèi)視表演去；哦，親愛的表哥，我不讓你走；不，我必須得走；嗯，我不讓你走嘛；不，我馬上就走；嗯，不讓你走，就不讓你走嘛，嗯……嗯……嗯……嗯嗯嗯……（摔倒）甲：哎呦喂，你還是讓他走吧。乙：為什么呀？

甲：再不走我的腰可要斷了！乙：嘿，至于嗎？

第五篇：英語-西游記英文搞笑劇本

孫悟空 Monkey(M for short)白骨精 Jenny White(J for short)唐僧 Tang Seng(T for short)黃袍怪 Yellow(Y for short)沙僧 Sha Seng(S for short)豬八戒 Pig(P for short)Act 1（J 照著鏡子上臺）

（這時，電話鈴響了起來，J不耐煩地接過聽筒，于是，一個更另她心煩的聲音就在電話那頭響起。）

Y: Hello!It’s me.J: I know it’s you.You call me every day，it has 400 years。Y: And today, I’ll ask the same question again.Will you marry me?(J對這位契而不舍的追求者已厭煩到了極點。)J: You wish!I get one more pimple.How bad!Y: Ah!I just call to tell you the meat of Tang Seng can make you beautiful and Tang Seng will come to our place.We can go and catch him together.J: ok ,ok,.I will have a rest.(不待Y說完，J就沒好氣地掛斷了電話。)Y；Refuse me again.I will never give up.(說罷，好不威風的下臺去了)J: How nasty he is!(她想了想，說)But Tang Seng is really good for me.（拿起一副望遠鏡。J便觀察起T的行蹤來。)J:(歡喜萬分)Ah-ha，(M握著金箍棒在前面探路,打電話給T)M：Hi,master.T;monkey,where are we ? M;DaHuangZheng,JieShouShi M;Ok，we are coming.(P在前面搖擺走著，T隨后，可憐S提著許多行李上臺)M；master，please（指著一休息地方）

（J拿起一紙筒，把耳朵湊上去偷聽T師徒四人談話）

T: Monkey!You are great, thank you very much ,I am happy to be your teacher and......(P懶洋洋地突然打斷)P: Sir!I’m so hungry.T: I’m hungry too.Monkey, go and buy some food。Don’t go to LanZhouNiurouMianGuan and LiuYiFanDian, just go to ChangQingFanDian.It is cheap。

（M點頭答應，欲要離去）

T;monkey,just go to changqingfandian.M;yes sir.(欲要離去)T;monkey,wash your box.M;ok.ok(欲要離去)T;monkey,be careful M;thank you sir(欲要離去)T;monkey....(M不耐煩打斷)M；you,go away(飛奔而去)

（剩余師徒三人拿出經(jīng)書念起三字經(jīng)，一會就睡著了。舞臺另一頭的J聽了不禁眉開眼笑。）J: It’s a good time.（J迅速地打扮好，挎著籃子走到了T師徒的面前。P聞著香味醒了，并叫醒師傅）P: Ah, a beautiful girl.Hello!What’s in your basket? It smells nice!J: Some food for my son.《husband》-P: I’m hungry.Can I have some?

（心急的P伸手去拿籃子里的東西，J假裝驚慌地護住了籃子。）T: Pig!be polite.J: You are very kind.I can give you some food.T:（雙手合十）Good girl。

M: Monster!（T聽到Monster一詞立刻嚇得暈倒在S懷中。S驚恐萬分）S；master master,Pig Pig, come here M: No matter how big you are, I’ll kill you.J: How nasty you are!M: Monster!Take my stick!（M舉起金箍棒就要向J的頭頂擊下。就在這千鈞一發(fā)之際，P忽然撲上去將M攔腰抱?。㏄: Beauty, run!Run run.(T 逃過一劫，對各位徒弟尤其是M的拼死保護感動之至，對S說；monkey is great。情不自禁地唱起了Only You。其結(jié)果，三個土地全頭痛欲裂，大吐特吐。)（終于，T唱完了）

T:(清清嗓子)Monkey, go and buy the lunch.I’m very hungry.M: Yes，master，Just stay here。（邊說邊畫圈）。Goodbye sir.（M離開后，T等就在圈內(nèi)又念起三字經(jīng)，不一會打起瞌睡來，P更是鼾聲震天。）（J見M走了，便又來打T的主意。她走了兩步，踩到了M畫的圈。）J: Ouch。

（J知道M的厲害，不敢輕舉妄動。但T近在眼前，她實在不甘心放棄。她想了想，忽地計上心頭，變出一盒KFC。J: Come, come Come。。

（T等仿佛著了魔似的，夢游般循著KFC的香氣向圈子外走。J終于如愿地把他們引出來了。就在J的手向T伸去的時候，M趕回來了，再次將J當場抓獲。）M: You again!J: You。you.How nasty you are!M: Now you cannot run!(T 剛剛清醒，看到廝殺場面，想到自己又一次有驚無險，感嘆；monkey is really great。不僅又唱起了Only You。M不堪忍受此歌聲，抓著J的手也放松了。J乘機溜走了。)（T唱罷，眾人終于松了口氣。P忽然發(fā)現(xiàn)M正望著J遠去的方向發(fā)愣，伸手在M的眼前晃了晃，M竟然沒有反應。）

P:(調(diào)侃地)Ah, you like that beautiful girl.(M 回過神來，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的失態(tài)，給了P一拳。)T: Monkey, I know that woman is nice, but you can’t love her.loving girls needs time and money.you don’t have much time and much money.M: I won’t.T: That’s fine.Everybody ,are you reday?（列隊齊聲）：Yes sir。(音樂響起——《Nobody》)（轉(zhuǎn)身跳起了nobody）