第一篇：新孔雀東南飛 英語小品

新孔雀東南飛

焦仲卿Johnny(J);劉蘭芝Lunch(L);焦母Johnny’s mother(JM);劉母Lunch’s mother(LM)強(qiáng)盜Burglars(A B and C)

(J作被打狀，跑上臺，砸出一團(tuán)報(bào)紙, J被打中 , 狼狽不堪)

J:Everybody says that I’m henpecked, but in fact, I’m as strong as a tiger,(小聲)while my wife is Wu Song.(指著上臺處的門大聲道)I’m not afraid of you!(又砸出一紙團(tuán)，J躲)My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!(再砸出一團(tuán)紙,擊中J)My God!Who can help me?(J下,JM作竊聽狀)JM(拄拐棍上):I can!(對門內(nèi))Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? L(扎著圍裙,拿著鍋鏟,從門內(nèi)跳出來):I’m here！What’s up mum?

JM:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.L:OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?

JM:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude,so brusque,so lazy…… L:But……

JM:Never interrupt me!

L:Never interrupt me!Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.I have raised ducks and chicken and…… JM:But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grand son!

L(生氣):Oh,you want a grand son,don’t you? Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!

L:Mum,I’m back!

LM:You are back? Why? What happened?

L:I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM(驚訝,但隨即露出幸災(zāi)樂禍的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor, but you didn’t listen to me.Look at yourself…… L:But,mum……

LM:Never interrupt me!

L:Mum, I'm not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM(大喜):Nice girl!Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:“If your daughter haven’t been married, I really really want to marry her!” Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him.(LM下)

L(驚愕):What?The mayor’s son? The most famous playboy ?What a silly thing I have done!(L下)

J(睡眼惺忪，邊走邊道):Lunch!Lunch!Where are my socks?

(走了幾步,在地上撿起襪子)Here they are!(聞一下)Er!How smelly!They are still dirty!(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起來)Oh, I’m so hungry!I miss Lunch and her excellent cooking skill so much!Now she has gone.I have to cook for my mother and myself.JM(上):Where’s my breakfast? Where’s Lunch? Hasn’t she got up yet? J:Mum,can’t you remember? Lunch has gone!

JM(沉吟片刻):Well,to tell you the truth Johnny,a son without a wife is useless.Lunch is a nice girl, go and take her back!J(立正敬禮):Yes madam!

A:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!(抬腳重重地踩在一塊大石頭上)B:And I planted one tree!(亦抬腳踩在同一塊石頭上)

C:If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石頭，但踩到了A的腳)A B&C:Give us all your money!

J(搜遍了每一個(gè)口袋，掏出1角硬幣):Is 1 mao enough?(三強(qiáng)盜暈倒?fàn)?，接著三人聚在一邊商?A:What bad luck!This guy is broken!

B:If we cannot rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!

C:I heard that the mayor's son is going to marry Miss Liu Lanzhi next month.We can go and rob the wedding!A&B:Good idea!

J(驚訝):What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!AB&C:Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!J:But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!

(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea！You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B:Have you got any experience?

J:No.But I’ve got this!(J脫下鞋子從里面摸出一張支票，上書＄1，000，000)

(轉(zhuǎn)眼已到了婚禮之期．MS意氣風(fēng)發(fā)用紅綢牽著新娘上，J蓋著紅蓋頭極不情愿地被拉上臺)(J和三強(qiáng)盜躍至臺中)

A B C&J:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!A:The road is built by me!B:And I planted one tree.C:If you want to go by this street---J:Give us all your money!

(L聽到J的聲音，掀起了蓋頭)

L(驚喜萬分):Johnny!(不顧一切地飛奔到J的身邊并躲到了的身后)

(MS大怒，揮拳向J打來．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L暈倒)J(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（揮拳向MS沖去）

(J與MS混戰(zhàn)，JM上，以拐杖擊暈MS)(J將MS胸前的新郎標(biāo)志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，關(guān)切地問):Honey,how are you? L(哭狀):I hurt a lot!

J:Don’t cry baby.I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)L(起身去追):Wait for me!(下)

第二篇：搞笑版_英語話劇_孔雀東南飛

《孔雀東南飛》

表演者：焦仲卿 飾（040905049）

劉蘭芝 飾（040905035）

焦母 飾（040905043）

劉母 飾（040905042）

旁白兼太守之子 飾（040905046）

強(qiáng)盜A 飾（040905047）

強(qiáng)盜B 飾（040905048）

焦仲卿Johnny(J for short)劉蘭芝Lunch(L for short)焦母Johnny’s mother(JM for short)劉母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)太守之子Mayor’s son(MS for short)強(qiáng)盜Burglars(A&B)

J: Everybody says that I’m henpecked, but in fact, I’m as strong as a tiger, while my wife is Wu Song.I’m not afraid of you!My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me.All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!My God!Who can help me? Act1 旁白：when our lovely Johnny are suffering from the domestic violence ,Johnny's mother have been seen all of the things.(就在我們可愛的仲卿遭受家庭暴力時(shí)，JM已將這一切盡收耳底。)

JM:I can!Lunch!Lunch!Where are you? L: I’m here!What’s up mum?

JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me "my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.L: OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up? JM: Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude, so brusque, so lazy?? L: But??

JM: Never interrupt me!L: Never interrupt me!Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing.I have raised ten soft thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and??

JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!Grandson!Where’s my grandson? L: Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you? Go and ask your son.I’m leaving!Act2 旁白：Lunch was driven away the house by the mother-in-law and came back her home(被婆婆趕出家門的蘭芝一步一回頭，三步兩回頭，無奈的回到了自己的家中。)L: Mum, I’m back!

LM: You are back? Why? What happened? L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM: See!I have already told you!When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor ,but you did not listen to me.Look at yourself?? L: But, mum??

LM: Never interrupt me!L: Mum, I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK? And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM: Nice girl!Just now, I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:” If your daughter.Haven’t been married, I really want to marry her!“Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him.(下)L: What? The mayor’s son? The most famous play boy in the neighbor-hood? What a silly thing I have done!(下)Act3 旁白：Johnny's home was soon in trouble without Lunch , Johnny's mother have to let Johnny find Lunch and come home.It said that there are some Burglars on the way to Lunch 's home.(沒有了蘭芝的焦家很快陷入了窘境，JM只好讓仲卿將蘭芝找回。聽說去蘭芝家的路上常有強(qiáng)盜出沒。)A: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree!A: If you want to go by this street---A&B: Give us all your money!J: Don’t kill me!Don’t kill me!I’ll give all my money to you!Is 1 mao enough? A: What bad luck!B: If we can not rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!A: I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next month.We can go and rob the wedding!A&B: Good idea!J: What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!A&B: Why? A pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!J: But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? I’ll go with you.You take the money and I take the bride.B: Have you got any experience? J: No.But I’ve got this!

Act4 旁白：Time flies,it's wedding date.Mayor’s son is happily holding the bride's hand ,and Lunch is unwillingness under the red cloth.(轉(zhuǎn)眼已到了婚禮之期．太守之子意氣風(fēng)發(fā)的牽著新娘，蘭芝蓋著紅蓋頭極不情愿跟在后邊。)AB&J: Hey you!Stop and listen to us!A: The road is built by me!B: And I planted one tree.A: If you want to go by this street---AB＆J: Give us all your money!L: Johnny!I miss you so much!MS: Who are you and where are you from? Who rob my bride will be killed!J: How dare you beat my wife!I will kill you!J: Honey, how are you? L: I hurt a lot!J: Don’t cry baby.Eat this at once!I’ll go and fetch the medicine.(下)L: Wait for me!

學(xué)院：理學(xué)院

班級：04信計(jì)（2）班

專業(yè)：信息與計(jì)算科學(xué)

第三篇：年會小品劇本創(chuàng)意節(jié)目策劃;孔雀東南飛

年會小品劇本；孔雀東南飛

--更多年會策劃請百度歐凱傳媒

基本人物 焦仲卿 劉蘭芝 焦仲卿家丁 焦仲卿母 旁白男 旁白女 開場

旁白：《孔雀東南飛》是我國文學(xué)史上首部長篇敘事詩千百年來以波瀾曲折的故事，告跌宕起伏的情節(jié)而成為經(jīng)典。今天，我們告別延續(xù)2017多年的悲情與嘆惋，成全劉蘭芝焦仲卿美滿的婚姻！現(xiàn)在，想樂翻天者請上座，安靜，看戲......（家丁上）

家丁：大家好，我就是江南第一代才子，玉樹臨風(fēng)，風(fēng)流倜儻，人見人愛，花見花開，車見車爆胎的宇宙無敵超級大帥哥焦仲卿------家的家?。ㄔ煨停?/p>

上面一張嘴，下面跑斷腿??！這不，我們未來的少奶奶又來讓我通知我家公子，半個(gè)時(shí)辰后在村頭小樹林見面呢?。ń怪偾湓诜績?nèi)寫字，邊自語）焦(感嘆)：古人有一種最令人 哇塞 的寫字方法-----豎著寫，橫著寫怎么能突顯我的帥氣，恩，還是豎寫！

家丁（推門而入）公子，蘭芝小姐讓我通知你，半個(gè)時(shí)辰后在村頭小樹林見面！

焦仲卿（鄙視眼光看家丁）：你OUT了 一小時(shí)之前蘭芝早給我發(fā)短信了！去，把我的寶馬X6牽過來！

家?。ú粷M狀）：公子 警察說了：非機(jī)動車輛禁止上路 焦仲卿（無語狀）：還忘了這茬 走咱們乘11路公交去！繞場下

劉蘭芝上，劉焦二人相遇，焦握著劉蘭芝的手，家丁站旁邊。焦仲卿（邊走邊吟）：天蒼蒼野茫茫，風(fēng)吹草低見女郎（劉蘭芝上）焦仲卿：芝妹 劉蘭芝：卿哥

焦仲卿（轉(zhuǎn)向家?。┦刈∪肟?，有敵情立馬回報(bào)

轉(zhuǎn)向劉蘭芝：芝妹

劉蘭芝：卿哥，你有什么要說的么 焦仲卿：你踩我腳了！

劉蘭芝：革的啊，我說這么那么墊腳呢！

焦仲卿：蘭芝，你是我饑餓時(shí)的咸泡飯，寒冷時(shí)的破棉襖，受傷時(shí)的紅藥水，黑暗中的電燈泡，如果你是豬八戒，我就是你腳下的西瓜皮，如果你是孫悟空，我就是你頭上的緊箍咒。如果你......劉蘭芝：（對觀眾）我怎么越聽越不像夸我呢！

焦仲卿（單腿下跪）：芝妹，嫁給我吧，我發(fā)誓會好好照顧你，不會讓你受一點(diǎn)委屈，如果我對你有二心，天打五雷轟?。ù蚶茁暯贡慌?，）

旁白女：雷公，你為什么要劈他 旁白男：壞

旁白女：就一個(gè)字?理由不充分！旁白男：賊壞！

旁白女：這個(gè)理由相當(dāng)充分 旁白男：GO！

焦仲卿（站起拍拍灰）：忘帶避雷針了！劉蘭芝：卿哥，你沒被劈死吧！焦仲卿：芝妹。這只是個(gè)意外。

家?。捍笫虏缓茫臃蛉怂T著掃帚拎著板磚沖過來了！焦母上場

焦母：呔，小狐貍精，老虎不發(fā)威你拿我當(dāng)hellokitty??！，老娘不說話你拿我當(dāng)史努比哈！竟敢勾引我兒子，看磚（劉蘭芝躲在焦仲卿后面，焦仲卿一臉害怕。家丁上前）

家丁：夫人，您用雙節(jié)棍就已經(jīng)夠拉風(fēng)的了，板磚殺氣太重，要溫柔，溫柔！

焦母（搖頭晃腦道）：子曾經(jīng)曰過的：打人用磚乎？照臉乎，乎不著再乎，乎著了往死里乎，乎死拉倒也?。ㄈ哟u 家丁接）旁白男：下面是史無前例的焦母與劉小姐PK賽，現(xiàn)在開始?。ń箘[好姿勢）

劉蘭芝（劉蘭芝進(jìn)焦母退）：《中人民共和國婚姻法》，第二百五十篇第八款第二條明確規(guī)定：婚姻自由，禁止包辦

焦仲卿（上前，對焦母）：對婚姻自由，包辦是犯法的，焦母（推開焦仲卿）：嘿，我上管天，下管地中間管空氣，老娘我就是---法律，就是不準(zhǔn)你倆成婚。

焦劉四目相對 焦母照鏡子 蘭芝看到焦母照鏡子靈機(jī)一動 劉蘭芝：公子，我有了.....焦仲卿（大驚失色）有了，什么有了，有什么了！

劉蘭芝（笑）有了讓夫人成全我們的辦法（溫柔的）每個(gè)女人都有其溫柔的一面，我們用好聽的話淹死他?。▋扇藫粽?，耶）

焦仲卿（上前幫母捶背，）：媽，幾年哦不幾分鐘沒見您皮膚又白了！焦母（自戀的，拿出小鏡子）：早上剛剛做過補(bǔ)水面膜的，丁家宜青春好朋友！哦耶！

劉蘭芝（上前拉焦母的手）：夫人，您的皮膚好好細(xì)嫩哦！焦母：嗯，嬌嫩皮膚，我選擇小護(hù)士的!劉蘭芝（含笑）：夫人，追你的老頭一定很多吧！焦母：嗯？老頭

劉蘭芝：你看我這張嘴?。∈菐浉?！焦母（笑著）：不多不多世界第三！劉蘭芝：那我送你五包臭美面膜，包您青春美，八十不衰退！焦母（大笑）：好丫頭，焦仲卿：那您看我和蘭芝的婚事？ 焦母：成交（捂嘴）說漏嘴了

（劉蘭芝，焦仲卿擊掌慶賀，退后，兩人泰坦尼克號姿勢 劉雙臂未張開）

焦母（對觀眾）：這個(gè)作者也太無聊了吧？怎么就5包面膜就刷下我了，我咋就同意了呢？走咱們?nèi)フ宜阗~去！（焦在后劉張開雙臂在前，）

焦仲卿（含情脈脈）蘭芝，你看那是什么（指向前方）劉蘭芝（認(rèn)真的）鳥糞。

焦仲卿（點(diǎn)點(diǎn)頭）什么鳥糞！那不是兩只鴛鴦嗎？ 劉蘭芝（無語狀）頭一次聽說樹上有鴛鴦的！焦仲卿（看劉蘭芝）芝妹 劉蘭芝（看向焦仲卿）恩 焦仲卿（認(rèn)真的）：我們結(jié)婚吧！《婚禮進(jìn)行曲》 焦劉分開站在平行線上 劉蘭芝（上前一步）：我是劉蘭芝 焦仲卿（上前一步）：我是焦仲卿 劉蘭芝：今年我十七。焦仲卿（不解的）：嗯？ 劉蘭芝：錯(cuò)了，今年我屬雞！焦仲卿：今年我屬虎

劉蘭芝（張口欲言，停下，看向焦仲卿）：卿哥，你沒有什么要說的么！

焦仲卿（翻出口袋里的易拉罐環(huán)給劉蘭芝帶上）：芝妹，我們終于結(jié)婚了

劉蘭芝（不?？粗稚系囊桌蕲h(huán)，看向焦仲卿，不解的）：怎么是易拉罐環(huán)呢？

焦仲卿：鉆石恒久遠(yuǎn)，一顆就破產(chǎn)??！

旁白男：焦仲卿是否愿意娶劉蘭芝做妻子？你是否愿意無論是順境或逆境，富裕或貧窮，健康或疾病，快樂或憂愁，你都將毫無保留地愛她，對她忠誠直到永遠(yuǎn)？

焦仲卿(一臉幸福)：我愿意。（深情的看向劉蘭芝）

旁白男：劉蘭芝是否愿意嫁給焦仲卿作為他的妻子，你是否愿意無論是順境或逆境，富裕或貧窮，健康或疾病，快樂或憂愁，你都將毫無保留地愛他，對他忠誠直到永遠(yuǎn)？

劉蘭芝（一臉幸福）：我愿意。（深情的看向劉蘭芝）

旁白：讓我以主的名義宣告你們完婚，唯愿你們的日子，天天美好直到地久天長。劉蘭芝陶醉狀

焦仲卿（拉住劉蘭芝）：咱們還是趕緊回家吧，再晚都趕不上二路汽車了！劉蘭芝：卿哥，要不咱再來一次吧！小品劇本 焦仲卿把劉蘭芝拉走（結(jié)束）年會小品劇本大全

年會搞笑小品劇本《四大才子》 公司年會小品劇本《中標(biāo)》

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第四篇：英語小品

對白：幾年前來中國的外國老師有來到中國執(zhí)教了，今天她想去逛一下超市，順便看一下中國的變化。

Vicky: Wow!The city has changed a lot.The flowers are beautiful.The buildings are so high.I want to buy a new skirt for my brother.獨(dú)白：Vicky外國老師來到了佳樂家超市，進(jìn)入了賣裙子專區(qū)。

Vicky: Hello!

賣家：How do you do?

Vicky: How do you do? I want to buy this skirt.賣家：（贊揚(yáng)的表情）This skirt is so beautiful.You must buy it for yourself.Vicky: No, no, no.I buy it for my brother as present.賣家：（大笑）哪里會有賣男士裙子的？哈哈哈哈哈哈，還有男的穿裙子??？？！哈哈哈哈哈

Vicky: No, I’m from Scotland.In my hometown, men have skirts in festivals.賣家：（恍然大悟狀）哦，在春晚上，小沈陽就是穿的蘇格蘭裙子的。Oh，I see.Vicky: That’s it.獨(dú)白：Vicky 仔細(xì)端詳了一下裙子

Vicky：This one is great.I’ll buy it.How much is it?

賣家：Five hundred.(賣家包裝裙子)This is your skirt and it’s our gift.Welcome to China.獨(dú)白：經(jīng)過一上午的購物，到了午飯的時(shí)間，Vicky 決定去吃當(dāng)?shù)氐男〕?。Vicky 外國老師來到了一處賣我烤肉串的地方。

Vicky(指著一串烤肉)：How much?

店主：哇，來了塊大肥肉啊，這老外不知道價(jià)格，我要狠狠的宰她一下，哈哈哈（竊喜）Vicky: How much?(動作：伸出一根手指頭)

店主： Five Yuan.Vicky: 別人家（動作：指向別的店鋪）Two Yuan.YouFive Yuan.It’s expensive.不公平。（用外國人的口音說）

店主：（小聲說）（驚奇的表情）這老外居然還懂點(diǎn)漢語啊。

This is my dad’s dad’s dad’s dad’s 烤肉秘方，Delicious , this is delicious very much..這烤肉千里飄香，吃一口保準(zhǔn)你想再來一口。

Vicky: Really?? 真的么？？ Deal

店主 包裝食品

A few minutes later

獨(dú)白： Vicky老師捂著肚子，臉色發(fā)黃，她回來找店主了。

喜羊羊與灰太狼 主題曲伴奏開始

Vicky 老師唱： 別看我是個(gè)老外，我就是一直肥羊，店主是一只灰太狼。

Lilei：(對Vicky 說)I’m a primary school student.What’s wrong with you?

Vicky: I bought the meat, but it makes me sick.I have called a friend to help me.She is going to come here.(做打電話狀)

Lilei：（對店主說）我已經(jīng)看到事情的經(jīng)過了，你怎么能賣的一樣的東西卻比別人的貴呢？？而且還有質(zhì)量問題，這不是丟我們國人的臉么？

店主：（作自夸狀）我經(jīng)營烤肉店數(shù)十載，歷史悠久，味道獨(dú)特，當(dāng)然價(jià)格要貴了，還用得著你這個(gè)小娃娃來教育我么？？！

獨(dú)白： Vicky的朋友來了（The friend comes）.Lilei：（驚訝表情）Miss Hou, It’s you!

Miss Hou:(驚訝表情)Lilei，What are you doing here?

Vicky: You know each other?

Miss Hou:(微笑)（對著Vicky說）He is my student.(對lilei說)This is our new teacher.Lilei：我本來要去圖書館的，但是我剛才看到了賣烤肉的店主賣壞的烤肉給這位老師。Miss Hou:(對店主說)How can you do that? 你怎么能做這樣的事呢？怎么可以欺騙我們的外國友人呢？

店主 低頭，作反思表情

Miss Hou:(對lilei說)You are honest.I take pride of you.店主：(道歉，悔恨的說)I’m sorry about that.I shouldn’t ask a high price for you.I will refund the money.I’m also sorry about the meat.I would like to undertake your lose.Vicky:(原諒的表情)I accept your apology.I also feel your honesty.獨(dú)白： 店主真誠的向Vicky 老師道歉了，Vicky老師也接受了道歉，同時(shí)lilei也發(fā)揚(yáng)了我們中華民族誠信的美德，值得我們大家學(xué)習(xí)。

Miss Hou, Vicky, lilei鼓掌贊揚(yáng)店主知錯(cuò)能改。

第五篇：英語小品

（舞臺上是一個(gè)餐廳的背景，寫著：“蘇格蘭情調(diào)”。本山大叔穿著中山裝，身上背著一串蒜頭，手上拿著野雞，拉著毛毛上場。）

(This short play is set in a restaurant named “Scottish Taste / Feel.” Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)趙本山：到了。毛毛：

到了。

趙本山：這就是鐵嶺最貴的一家飯店。這不，蘇格蘭調(diào)情（tiáo qíng）。毛毛：

爺爺，你念反了，蘇格蘭情調(diào)（qíng diào）。趙本山：啊，情調(diào)？就擱這兒吃。毛毛：

爺爺，這家老貴的啦。

趙本山：貴？咱帶錢了，帶三萬多塊，那包呢？ 毛毛：

我沒拿包啊。趙本山：裝錢那包，黃包。毛毛：

完了，讓我落炕上了。

趙本山：我說，你這孩子還能辦點(diǎn)事嗎？！這給你辦事，落炕上了還。兜里還有錢嗎？ 毛毛：

兜里，多少錢哪才？才70多塊錢。趙本山：我還有400。行，夠了。毛毛：

這也不能夠啊。

趙本山：哎呀，夠不夠就這樣了。服務(wù)員！Uncle Zhao Here we are.Yadar

Here we are.Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: “Scottish Tease / Fool.” Yadar

You got it wrongfrom the inside out.Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt? Shenyang

Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style.See, it's no skirt but Capri pants.Look at this, look.Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry.No wonder I feel different while walking.Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah!I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute.You should do you' best.Shenyang

No problem.Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad? Shenyang

Why so / What's wrong? Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.Shenyang

About 10,000 to 20,000.Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow? 小沈陽：打白條兒啊？

趙本山：不是啊，不是打白條，不差錢，有錢。喏。小沈陽：啥意思？ 趙本山：小費(fèi)。

小沈陽：媽呀，大爺你真敞亮，你太帥了。趙本山：給一百塊錢還帥呢。我跟你說這不白給啊。一會兒客人到了，你一定要給足我面子，明白嗎？我到點(diǎn)菜的時(shí)候，你得替我兜著點(diǎn)。小沈陽：咋兜呢？

趙本山：既把面子給了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要點(diǎn)貴菜......小沈陽：我就說沒有唄。

趙本山：哎呀媽呀，你太厲害了。來來來，拿點(diǎn)。再給你30，來。小沈陽：我跟你都明碼的哦。趙本山：謝謝。小沈陽：放心吧。

毛毛：

爺爺，我有點(diǎn)餓了。趙本山：餓了？來碗面條。小沈陽：呃，78一碗。趙本山：啥面？這么貴。小沈陽：蘇格蘭打鹵面。趙本山：是不是鹵子貴？ 小沈陽：鹵不要錢。

趙本山：那就來碗鹵子，先嘗嘗咸淡。快去，快去。小沈陽：媽呀，沒這么上過呀。

趙本山：那是我沒來，我要來，你早就這么上了。去吧去吧。小沈陽：這老爺子，我要說面條不要錢，要面條了你還。Shenyang

You'll give me an IOU? Uncle Zhao Not that.I've got the money anyway.Take this.Shenyang

What's it? Uncle Zhao A tip for you.Shenyang

You do understand people / things / the world, sirZhujun!Oh sorry.Bai Yansong? Oh no.Or a Bi something!Are you Mr.Bi? CCTV Man I'm Bi Fujian.Shenyang

Come here everyone, it`s Mr.Bi here.(To CCTV Man)Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up!Come here!He can go elsewhere at any minute.Uncle Zhao Whut the hell's going on? Anythin' to be so fussy abut? You're being hounded by a wolf? Shenyang

He's Mr.Bi...Uncle Zhao I know, an' he's the guest I'm honored to keep comp'ny today.Shenyang

Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr.Bi? Uncle Zhao(to Shenyang)Wait, wait.(To CCTV Man)Welc'me, Mr.Bi.CCTV Man Nice to meet you.Uncle Zhao I've been waitin' all this time for you.CCTV Man Thanks a lot really.May I have your name please? Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see? CCTV Man I'm looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Township's cultural center.Uncle Zhao You got it.Here's his daddy and I'm...Yadar

Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.Uncle Zhao An' I'm Tiezhu's daddy.Aren't you lookin' for a dad...I mean it's right to be looking my way.CCTV Man Hi, daddy...I mean buddy.So where's your son? Uncle Zhao He's at the township waitin' for you.Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you.With enormous care they've prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle.Flowers all around.CCTV Man What're the colors of the flowers, buddy? Uncle Zhao They're all in white and yellow.Lots of folks' waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin' all over.CCTV Man Why's that? Uncle Zhao They're excited.CCTV Man Let's go there, then.Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first.How abut that? 3rd 畢福劍：在這兒吃飯？

趙本山：這是鐵嶺最貴的，你來吧。

畢福劍：別別，大爺，不，老哥，我在飛機(jī)上吃了。

趙本山：那客隨主便，好不好？給你怎么安排你就聽話，來來。小沈陽：畢老師，你不給照個(gè)相嗎？畢老師。畢福劍：你是男服務(wù)員？ 小沈陽：嗯哪。

畢福劍：長得挺委婉的。

趙本山：我剛開始來就誤會了，你說哪有這打扮，哎呀媽呀。坐，剛到是吧？ 畢福劍：剛到，剛到。趙本山：咱是老鄉(xiāng)。畢福劍：是嗎？

趙本山：你不是大連人嗎？ 畢福劍：對對，大連人。趙本山：你住哪兒？

畢福間

我住大連老鱉灣。

趙本山：哎呀媽呀，有親戚，孩子她姥爺也在老鱉灣，也姓畢。畢福劍：你姥爺叫畢什么？ 毛毛：

畢門庭。

畢福劍：你姥爺打麻將肯定是高手。趙福劍：咋的？ 畢福劍：閉門聽嘛。

趙本山：正好你叫閉門炮。

CCTV Man Why here? Uncle Zhao Here we've got the best restaurant in Tieling.Do c'me this way please.CCTV Man But I've had my meal on the plane.Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.Shenyang

A picture of the two of us, please.CCTV Man(to Shenyang)You're...a male waiter? Shenyang

Yup.CCTV Man

You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came.How funny he is dressin' up like this? Sit down here.Did you enjoy your trip? CCTV Man Yes, quite.Uncle Zhao We mus' be fellow townsmen.CCTV Man

Are we? Uncle Zhao Ain`t you from Dalian? CCTV Man Sure.Uncle Zhao Which part? CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.Uncle Zhao Where her mummy's daddy used to live, too.So we're even relatives.CCTV Man(to Yadar)What`s his name? Yadar

Bi Menting.CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.Uncle Zhao Why? CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.Uncle Zhao That matches you' nickname “Bi Mengpao,” as you're a mahjong man you'self.畢福劍：我叫畢福劍。

趙本山：這也是的，沒準(zhǔn)兒都......實(shí)在......哎呀，這一笑，你看看，多像你姥爺臨走那張照片。毛毛：

爺爺，你快看，不笑更像。畢福劍：我今兒個(gè)躲不開了。

趙本山：孩子這一輩子，跟爺爺不行，就跟姥爺親。姥爺臨走把她哭完了?？煺J(rèn)姥爺。毛毛：

姥爺好。

畢福劍：別別別，起起......。大過年的，你要來這個(gè)，我得給你壓歲錢了。趙本山：不用，不用。哎呀，這家伙，來......小沈陽：畢老師，你給我照個(gè)相唄。

趙本山：這沒吃飯呢，你先揣起來。點(diǎn)菜，快點(diǎn)。小沈陽：照完再點(diǎn)唄。趙本山：點(diǎn)完再照。小沈陽：要跑了呢？ 趙本山：。誰跑啊？畢老師都低調(diào)來的，你別跟人這樣說。她姥爺，這都......實(shí)在親戚，你就點(diǎn)吧。

畢福劍： 不不不，咱隨便吃點(diǎn)飯就可以了。您來，您來。

趙本山： 現(xiàn)在咱家都富了，農(nóng)民生活跟過去不一樣了。你就鉚勁兒吃，你說吃能吃多少錢哪。我點(diǎn)。

畢福劍：隨便來。

趙本山：澳洲鮑魚四只。小沈陽：對不起，沒有。

畢福劍：算了，別點(diǎn)那么貴的。你往下來。趙本山：四斤的龍蝦。

小沈陽：對不起，沒那么大的。

CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an...well, I'm really...(To Yadar)Look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.Yadar

Look, even more like it when he doesn't.CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way.Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me.Sort of cried her heart out when he died.Say hello to you' new grandpa.Yadar

(kneeling down / with a kowtow)How do you do, grandpa.CCTV Man Don't, please.It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money.Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir.You're indeed...Shenyang

We haven`t had our picture taken, sir.Uncle Zhao(to Shenyang)We haven't ordered our dishes yet.Put this damn' thing away.We'll see whut to eat first.C'me.Shenyang

Just one picture, please.Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.Shenyang

What if he runs away after the meal? Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr.Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance.Don't you say a thing like that.(To CCTV Man)I'm whut they call a “country pumpkin,” my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest.So you please order the dishes.CCTV Man Don't be too polite.You do it.Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before.Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway.Please give me the menu.CCTV Man

Don't be extravagant, buddy.Uncle Zhao

Australian abalones, four.Shenyang

Sorry, they're out of stock.CCTV Man Too expensive anyway.Let's move on down.Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.Shenyang

Sorry, nothing that big.4th 趙本山：有多大的？ 小沈陽：有一斤多的。

趙本山：一斤多的......有嗎？ 趙本山：有......還是沒有??？

趙本山：這個(gè)......我跟你說，有沒有，這是你開的店呢，你還不明白？這不差錢。小沈陽：哦......那沒有。

畢福劍：下邊我看看，魚翅就更別點(diǎn)了。

趙本山： 魚翅有也別吃了，我吃魚翅有一回就卡住了，后來用饅頭噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到醫(yī)院用鑷子拿出來的。不吃那玩意兒。畢福劍： 他也沒有。

趙本山： 你這酒店怎么要啥啥沒有呢？干什么玩意兒吃的？這畢老師容易來一趟？把你老板找來

小沈陽：沒有。

趙本山：你就記住一個(gè)沒有了，是不？老板。小沈陽：啊，老板哪？老板出去了。趙本山：上哪兒去了？ 小沈陽：不知道。

趙本山：啥玩意兒呀你？你說吃啥呀？ 畢福劍：來點(diǎn)兒家常便飯。民間的。

趙本山：民間的是吧？來民間的吧，孩子，來個(gè)小野雞燉蘑菇。小沈陽：沒有。

趙本山：這個(gè)可以有。小沈陽：這個(gè)......真沒有。

Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have? Shenyang

Half a kilo each.Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have? Shenyang

Yes we do...or no? Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here.Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you.Shenyang

So no, we haven't got lobsters.CCTV Man Let me have a look.Even less need for ordering shark's fin.Uncle Zhao I won't.Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat.I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar.It didn't work, though.I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers.So, sharp stuff jus' won't do.CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve.You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy.A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr.Bi.Where's you' boss? Get him here.Shenyang

No boss, sir.Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well? Shenyang

Well...the boss is out.Uncle Zhao Where's he? Shenyang

No idea.Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then? CCTV Man Just something homely.Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then.A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.Shenyang

I'm sorry, sir.Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have.Shenyang

Something we really don't have.趙本山：我給你帶來了啊，咱有。來，丫蛋，把這拿來。哎呀，多虧帶來了。畢福劍：老哥......趙本山：我是給你往北京帶的，現(xiàn)在你拿不走了，趕緊得在這兒吃了。畢福劍

野山雞不能吃。

趙本山：這是家養(yǎng)的。都是野蘑菇。把這個(gè)燉了，高壓鍋啊，時(shí)間長點(diǎn)，來。好了，這兒有一個(gè)菜了。來，笨蛋。小沈陽：你說誰笨蛋？！

趙本山：不是，我說再點(diǎn)個(gè)笨雞蛋。小沈陽：沒有。

趙本山：我有。這樣......畢福劍：老哥......趙本山：這雞蛋和大蔥一炒。

畢福劍：你怎么下一趟飯店，材料都自己備？

趙本山：不是，他沒有啊，問題是。給他錢都沒處找去。幾個(gè)菜了？倆了，這樣吧，給你們點(diǎn)機(jī)會。畢老師來一回，你們飯店表示不？

小沈陽： 贈送一個(gè)唄。哎呀媽呀，大爺你咋這么摳呢？你說你一個(gè)沒點(diǎn)，完了我們還得搭一個(gè)，啊？

趙本山：我說小伙子，咱們不是一個(gè)沒點(diǎn)。我點(diǎn)完之后，鮑魚、龍蝦你都沒有。小沈陽：有沒有，你心里還沒數(shù)嗎？ 趙本山：我有啥數(shù)，你不是說沒有嗎？

小沈陽： 別說話了。一說萬一要有，咋整??？ 趙本山： 你到底有沒有？這差錢還是咋的？

Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought.Get it here, Yadar.Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.CCTV Man No, buddy...Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'.As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home.Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done.So far we've got one dish ready.C'me here, dumb bell.Shenyang

What did you say? Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.Shenyang

We don't have any, sir!Uncle Zhao I do.All right...CCTV Man Buddy...Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant? Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here.Not even if you're willin' to pay.See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine!(To Shenyang)Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr.Bi here.Shenyang

We'll serve one dish for free.You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy.But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters? Shenyang

Is it up to me to say yes? Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!Shenyang

Cut it out, sir.If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next? Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.5th 小沈陽：我知道大爺不差錢。我的意思，畢老師好容易來一回，咱吃喝不能在乎錢，大爺。你看我今年歲數(shù)小，但是我總結(jié)了，人這一生其實(shí)可短暫了，有時(shí)候一想，跟睡覺是一樣一樣的。眼睛一閉，一睜，一天過去了；眼睛一閉，不睜，這輩子就過去了。畢福劍：小伙子，精辟。趙本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。小沈陽：大爺，我沒別的意思。趙本山：你啥意思？

小沈陽：我的意思，人不能把錢看得太重了。錢乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么？

趙本山：嗯？

小沈陽：人死了，錢沒花了。

趙本山：人這一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么嗎？ 小沈陽：啥呀？

趙本山：是人活著呢，錢沒了。不差錢，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。小沈陽：哎，好嘞。趙本山：這孩子。

小沈陽：這一天......這也太摳了。

趙本山：他姥爺，這菜呢，得做一會兒。你看看丫蛋來了，這孩子從小就是一身的藝術(shù)細(xì)菌哪。畢福劍：藝......藝術(shù)細(xì)胞。

趙本山：給看看，能不能上你的大道。畢福劍：她......趙本山：才藝，那是了不得。

畢福劍：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到這兒來，就是為了讓您孫女上我們《星光大道》。趙本山：可不是嘛，它有這么個(gè)關(guān)系。畢福劍：哦，那她都......會點(diǎn)什么？

趙本山：來吧，給姥爺表示表示。服務(wù)員，拿麥克。有卡拉OK的麥克嗎？拿來。站好了。

Shenyang

This I know, sir, but with Mr.Bi here, perhaps only for once, can't you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep.Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over.Eyes closed but never opened againbecause I've found my grandpa.Grandpa's great, he can take me to the Star Splashed Walkway.CCTV Man Starlight Broadway.Uncle Zhao Starlight Broadway.Yadar

Broadway or whatever, I'm grateful to grandpa for this chance.I'll be very thankful if you can take me to your Broadway.I'll thank your ancestors...I mean I'll thank you on behalf of my own ancestors of long, long years ago.I won't forget this great favor you've done me.I owe this new life of mine to you.I'll go on chasing you even after I die to become a ghost.CCTV Man(to Uncle Zhao)Grandpa...I mean you.The way she spoke sort of upset me.Uncle Zhao Eh...I guess she jus' wants to revenge you...CCTV Man Is that so? Uncle Zhao No, I mean to repay you.Or reimburse you or whute'er.One should repay those who've generously helped him or her.When the girl becomes famous, she really shouldn`t forget you.(To Yadar)Go ahead and sing.CCTV Man Can she sing a song? Uncle Zhao Sing “The Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau” by Li Guyi.Yadar

It`s by Li Na.Uncle Zhao Whoe'er it is.6th 毛毛現(xiàn)場演唱《青藏高原》。）毛毛：

“是誰帶來遠(yuǎn)古的呼喚？

是誰留下千年的期盼......” 趙本山：中間的不用唱了，最后那個(gè)。哦喲啦，那個(gè)。毛毛：

“......那就是青藏高原?！?畢福劍：年齡不大，嗓門真高。

趙本山：來來，再長一個(gè)調(diào)兒?！澳蔷?.....”。毛毛：

爺爺，鹵子有點(diǎn)吃咸了。（小沈陽忍俊不禁）畢福劍：好好。

趙本山：還有呢？后面連哭帶唱的。畢福劍：等一下。趙本山：連哭帶說。

畢福劍：老哥，我問一下，連哭帶說是什么節(jié)目？ 趙本山：就后面“我家庭怎么困難，怎么不容易”那段。畢福劍：不不，那叫獲獎感言?！缎枪獯蟮馈范际钦嫒苏媸隆Ｄ氵@還沒有上北京，沒參加《星光大道》，就獲獎感言了。趙本山：這關(guān)系，另外這條件，她不獲獎能行嗎？他姥爺在這兒，我還沒底嗎？來來來，哭，哭。這孩子可厲害了。差仨數(shù)，她馬上就哭。一、二、三--哭！毛毛：

咋哭？

趙本山：哭啊，丫蛋，在家哭那么快，真完蛋了。毛毛：

明兒也哭不出來。

趙本山：不跟姥爺有感情嗎？來，看姥爺，姥爺照片在這兒。毛毛：

嗚嗚，嘻嘻，嘻嘻。趙本山：完蛋了，笑什么！

毛毛：

太有了意思了，哪照片呀這。

畢福劍：不說了，不說了。才藝很不錯(cuò)，唱得很不錯(cuò)。Yadar

(starting to sing)

“Ah, who brings here the earnest call of remote antiquity?

Ah, who leaves behind the expectations of the millennium?”

Uncle Zhao Skip the middle part and move on to the final climax.(Trying to imitate)Yo-la-la.See? Yadar

“...That's Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau，The highland of my soul!” CCTV Man What a high pitch you've got for your age.Uncle Zhao Push higher up.Like this.Yadar

Grandpa, the sauce's hurt my voice a bit.(Shenyang giggles again)CCTV Man(to Yadar)That's enough.Uncle Zhao Next, the game of ravin' in tears after the show.CCTV Man Wait a minute.Uncle Zhao Gabbling between sobs.CCTV Man What exactly? Uncle Zhao Like “I'm from a poor family an' life's been extra hard for me.” CCTV Man Not that yet.Hold it off till after she's got an award in Beijing.The Starlight Broadway's about what people actually experience in real life.They're not supposed to act things out beforehand.Uncle Zhao See whut support she's got an' how truly marvelous she is at singin'? It'd be funny if she goes there without winnin'!With you her grandpa here, I've got nothin' to worry about.(To Yadar)C'me on, Yadar.Show Grandpa Bi how you cry.(Back to CCTV Man)The girl's fantastic.You only count to t'ree and she'll sure break down.(Back to Yadar)One, two, t'reethe click rate is just fuckin' high.The girl with the cyber name “Yadar” is her.CCTV Man

So she's the Yadar netizens're talking so much about? Uncle Zhao

Sure.畢福劍：太好了。你馬上上菜，今天這頓飯我包了，我請客。丫蛋，你明天跟著大哥一起去北京，上《星光大道》。你們搞一個(gè)組合，就叫“不差錢”。毛毛：

我也能去了？ 畢福劍：可以啊。毛毛：

謝謝姥爺。小沈陽：謝謝姥爺。

趙本山：我跟你說，畢老師，你們《星光大道》不是百姓舞臺嗎？誰都可以參與嘛。他們都要了，把我也接收得了唄。

畢福劍：搜狐網(wǎng)上也有您的名字？

趙本山：你點(diǎn)一下試試唄。另外，我有個(gè)重要秘密沒跟您透露。畢福劍：什么秘密？

趙本山：其實(shí)我姥爺也姓畢。（演員謝幕）

CCTV Man

Fantastic!(To Shenyang)Serve the meal quick.It's going to be my treat today-I'll pay the bill.And Yadar, you go off to Beijing tomorrow along with Shenyang, and join the rest of us there at Starlight Broadway.The two of you shall team up and prepare a comic piece with the title “Got the Money Anyway.” Yadar

Can I really go? CCTV Man Of course.Yadar

Thank you, grandpa.Shenyang

Thank you, grandpa.Uncle Zhao Dear in-law, I know the Starlight Broadway's a stage for common people to play on.If you can take the two youngsters with you, why can't you take me too? CCTV Man Are you famous, too, on the internet? Uncle Zhao You can click an' see.An' there's a little secret I haven't told you yet.CCTV Man What's it? Uncle Zhao My maternal grandpa, too, was surnamed Bi.(The entire cast exeunt after courteously bowing to the audience.)

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