第一篇：Joe Wong在美國記者年會晚宴上的表演

Joe Wong在美國記者年會晚宴上的表演（中英文解讀）

黃西是一名從中國大陸到美國的留學(xué)生，除了他專業(yè)的研究工作外，他還是最近美國新興的一名脫口秀藝人。2009年，他因參加美國深夜節(jié)目收視率冠軍的“大衛(wèi)賴特曼秀”一炮而紅。他獨(dú)特的幽默方式在youtube上廣受歡迎。本文是他在美國“電臺電視記者協(xié)會”白宮年會上的表演片段。

Good evening, everyone.My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” [Laughter] “Hu” is actually my mother's maiden name, [Laughter] and the answer to my credit card security question.[Laughter]

各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黃西）。但是對很多人來說，聽到我的名字，會問“誰”?（看他的滑稽表情，觀眾笑），Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我媽的娘家姓（觀眾笑），也是我信用卡安全問題的答案。（和很多網(wǎng)站注冊一樣，美國的信用卡也會設(shè)置安全問題，比如“你媽媽姓什么”，“你家小狗叫什么”）

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.[Laughter]

但是玩笑歸玩笑，我想讓大家放心我今晚的確是受到邀請來的。（觀眾笑，這里是隱指Salah夫婦闖入白宮歡迎晚宴的新聞，大家可以搜索Michaele and Tareq Salahi）

I grew up in China.Who wouldn't? [Laughter]

我在中國長大。誰不是呢？（觀眾笑，這是用自己的自大諷刺美國人的自大）

As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.[Laughter] When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, [Laughter] which is almost as slow as a flying rock.[Laughter]

而我童年的所有記憶都被我的童年給毀了。（觀眾笑，思路怪異）讀小學(xué)的時(shí)候，作為課程的一部分，我要去稻田里勞動，稻田的旁邊是一個采石場，他們用炸藥炸石頭。也就是在那里，我知道了光的傳播速度要比聲音快（觀眾笑），而聲音的速度就和石頭飛的速度差不多慢。（觀眾笑）

My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn't do it right.When I was seven, one day he said to me, “Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” [Laughter] So, five minutes later, I said, “Why?” [Laughter] He said, “Because I said so!” [Laughter]

我爸爸是個脾氣很怪的人，但偶爾他也想用笑話來逗我玩兒?？墒撬肿霾缓?。我七歲的時(shí)候，有一天他問我，“嘿，兒子，你說為什么豆腐比社會主義計(jì)劃經(jīng)濟(jì)要好？”（觀眾笑，風(fēng)馬牛不相及）我想了五分鐘，然后問他“為什么呢？”（觀眾笑），他說“因?yàn)槲艺f好就是好！”（觀眾笑，笑點(diǎn)在于：豆腐，計(jì)劃經(jīng)濟(jì)以及極端的父權(quán)。豆腐和經(jīng)濟(jì)放在一起本來就沒有可比性，就好像這種“我說了算”的父權(quán)也根本不可理喻，讓人又好氣又好笑）

I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas.[Applause] That wasn't a joke, [Laughter] until now.[Laughter]

我24歲的時(shí)候來到美國，在Texas的Rice University求學(xué)。（觀眾鼓掌。）這不是個笑話（觀眾笑），不過現(xiàn)在是了。（觀眾笑）

And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don't speak English, go home!” [Laughter] And I didn't notice it for two years.[Laughter]

我當(dāng)時(shí)開了輛二手車，保險(xiǎn)杠上貼了好多貼紙（就類似我們的“熊出沒注意”那種），貼的很牢，就根本不可能撕下來。其中一張寫著“如果你不說英文，就滾回家去”。（觀眾笑，這句話有歧視外來移民的意味）而我兩年后才看到它。（觀眾笑）

And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country.And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public.Which is really a tough to do, because many times I had to say to him in public, “Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!” [Laughter]

和很多其他的移民一樣，我們都希望自己的兒子能成為這個國家的總統(tǒng)。于是我們努力讓他們說兩種語言，在家說中文，在外說英文。但操作起來其實(shí)挺困難，很多時(shí)候我不得不在公共場合對他說：“嘿，聽著，如果你不說英文，就滾回家去。”（觀眾笑，這里說明了該句子是一種教訓(xùn)兒子的口氣）

And he was said to me, “Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!” [Laughter][Applause]

然后他問我：“爸爸，為什么我要學(xué)兩個語言呢？”我就跟他說：“兒子，一旦有一天你成了美國總統(tǒng)，你就必須要用英文來簽署法案，還要用中文跟討債的對話?！保ㄓ^眾狂笑，并鼓掌；中國當(dāng)前是美國的最大債主。）

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.[Laughter]

從Rice畢業(yè)后，我決定留在美國。因?yàn)樵谥袊?，我不可能有在這里干的最好的角色——一個少數(shù)民族。

And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” [Laughter]

我為了成為一名美國公民，必須要上美國歷史課，會被問到諸如“是誰Benjamin Franklin？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我們便利店遭到搶劫的原因？”（觀眾大笑，百元美鈔上印著Benjamin Franklin的頭像。）

What's the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” [Laughter][Applause]

“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我們便利店遭到搶劫的原因？”（觀眾狂笑，第二修正案保障了人民的持槍權(quán)利）

What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, “Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?” [Laughter][Applause]

“Roe vs.Wade是什么？”“呃！兩種來美國的途徑？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院關(guān)于墮胎的經(jīng)典案例。他在這里則是說那些偷渡到美國的人，要不就是通過row a boat（劃船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河對岸（wade是跋涉的意思））

Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.[Laughter]

后來我讀了很多的美國歷史，以至于我都開始充滿了白人罪惡感。（white guilt是指白人因?yàn)榕酆谌说臍v史而產(chǎn)生的負(fù)罪感。）

And in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.[Applause]

在美國，大家都說人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取決于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和醫(yī)療保障。（觀眾認(rèn)同的笑）

I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.[Laughter]

我在男人健康雜志里看到，奧巴馬總統(tǒng)每周有兩次有氧鍛煉，四次舉重鍛煉。你們看，我根本不需要鍛煉，因?yàn)槲矣薪】当ｋU(xiǎn)。（這里說醫(yī)保體系給人慵懶意識）

I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown.[Laughter] Talk about mixed messages![Laughter] I think there was a movie about him.It's called “Kill Bill” [Laughter]

我現(xiàn)在住在麻省，我們有全面的醫(yī)療保險(xiǎn)。然后我們選了Scott Brown當(dāng)州長。哦，有歧義。我想有一部電影是關(guān)于他的，那就是《殺死比爾》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有議案的意思，這里諷刺這名州長極力反對Obama的醫(yī)保改革方案。）

I'm honored to eh..meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight.em, I actually read autobiography of you, and today I see you.I think the book is much better.[Laughter][Applause] They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.[Laughter]

我很榮幸今晚能見到副總統(tǒng)Joe Biden。事實(shí)上，我曾經(jīng)讀過你的自傳。今天見到你了，我覺得書（比本人）要好的多（然后鏡頭就給了副總統(tǒng)，副總統(tǒng)笑的哈開心），他們應(yīng)該請布拉德·皮特來演，或者是安吉麗娜·茱莉（觀眾大笑）。

So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come.[Laughter] And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.[Laughter] Take that Stephen Colbert![Laughter]

坦率的說，我真的非常榮幸今天能應(yīng)邀來到這里。為了今晚的節(jié)目我也準(zhǔn)備了好幾個月了。我還把關(guān)于奧巴馬總統(tǒng)的笑話給白宮看，于是奧巴馬總統(tǒng)就決定不出席今天的晚會了。他還決定要討論移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert, 給他記上。（Steve是專攻政治人物的政治評論家、主持人，總統(tǒng)總是拿他沒辦法）

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize.and he accepted it.[Laughter] You can't be more badass than that.[Laughter][Applause] Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.[Laughter] 奧巴馬總統(tǒng)經(jīng)常被指責(zé)為過于軟弱。但是他正指揮著兩場戰(zhàn)爭，并且他們還是授予他諾貝爾和平獎。而他也竟然接受了（觀眾大笑）。怎么可能有比這更操蛋的事情（觀眾大笑）。嗯，其實(shí)，我想，唯一可能比這個更操蛋的，就是你接受了諾貝爾和平獎的獎金，然后把它們送給軍隊(duì)。

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers.[Laughter] Because I used to write for the campus newspaper.[Laughter] I think journalism is the last refuge for puns.[Laughter] Only on a newspaper can you see just like, “I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer).” [Laughter] My point exactly.[Laughter]

我們這里坐著很多杰出的新聞記者，我把你們看作是我的同行（也有貴族的意思，觀眾笑）。因?yàn)槲以?jīng)也給學(xué)校的報(bào)紙寫過文章。我覺得新聞業(yè)是雙關(guān)語最后的陣地了。因?yàn)橹挥性趫?bào)紙上你才能看到類似于“我是屬馬的，所以你知道為什么我總是像馬一樣叫（唱反調(diào)）?！保绹诵稳蓠R叫的象聲詞是neigh，發(fā)音和nay一樣，nay-sayer是總要唱反調(diào)的人）我表達(dá)的很準(zhǔn)確。（觀眾笑）

And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.[Laughter] If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, [Laughter] there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3.[Laughter][Applause] Thank you very much![Laughter][Applause] 今晚是我第一次出現(xiàn)在C-span頻道，通常當(dāng)我無法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹與煽動時(shí)我就會看這個頻道（PBS的節(jié)目以主觀著稱，QVC則是購物頻道）。如果我看了C-span還是睡不著，那還有C-span 2套和3套（C-span頻道是國會辯論轉(zhuǎn)播頻道）。非常感謝！

So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about.[Applause] oh, Thank you very much!eh.[Applause] America is number one![Laughter] That's true!cause we won the World Series every year![Laughter]

2008年，我正式成為了美國公民，為此我感到很高興。（下面觀眾鼓掌）謝謝。美國是最牛的。這是真的，因?yàn)槲覀兠磕陼A世界職業(yè)棒球大賽（只有美國、加拿大的球隊(duì)參加。）

After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.You are welcome.[Laughter] You had me at “Guess we can”.[Laughter] That was their slogan.[Laughter]

成為美國公民之后，我立刻就登記了大選，并投給了奧巴馬和拜登。（他回頭看著拜登，對拜登說）不用謝。你們的口號“猜想我們可以”征服了我。（觀眾笑）這是他們的口號。（觀眾大笑，此處故意將“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）

So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.[Laughter] and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.在奧巴馬和拜登當(dāng)選后，我感受到了權(quán)力的魅力。（觀眾笑）于是我就開始想，或許我也應(yīng)該去競選總統(tǒng)。

Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit.Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.[Laughter]

好吧，我多解釋一下。我其實(shí)一直是一個憂郁并且悲觀的人。我覺得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能確實(shí)做得不一樣，但你真的很難說出來。（觀眾大笑）

But now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white.[Laughter] Two negatives make a positive.[Laughter]

但是現(xiàn)在我們有了一位半黑半白的總統(tǒng)。這給了我很大的希望。因?yàn)槲乙话氩缓谝话胍膊话住ｋp重否定更加肯定。（觀眾大笑，Obama母親是白人，父親是黑人移民）

You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.[Laughter] Oh, you too? ok.[Laughter] So, I understand that American people are suffering.So, my campaign slogan will be, “Who cares?”(Hu Cares)[Laughter]

你或許會問：“嘿，那你的競選口號是什么？”你看，過去的10年代里我度過了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美國人所經(jīng)歷的痛苦。所以，我的競選口號將會是“Hu Cares”（此處又是Who-Hu的諧音，Hu Cares：“胡關(guān)心你”Who Cares：“誰在乎你”。）

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required![Laughter]

如果我當(dāng)選，我不但會讓同性戀結(jié)婚合法，還會讓它必須。（觀眾笑）

That will give me the youth vote.[Laughter] You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like, “Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!” [Laughter]

這會幫助我贏得年輕人的選票。你看我已經(jīng)結(jié)婚了。但我過去對婚姻是非?？謶值摹Ｎ蚁耄骸巴?，50％的婚姻結(jié)局是大家要在一起一輩子?！?/p>

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce.[Laughter] So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, [Laughter] or the Olson twins.[Laughter]

我也會通過降低美國工人的生產(chǎn)率來消滅這個國家的失業(yè)。所以必須讓兩個人做一個人能做的事，就好像總統(tǒng)與副總統(tǒng)，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她們是雙胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起設(shè)計(jì)服裝）。

And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes.So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.[Laughter] You seem to like that one.[Laughter] But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know.[Laughter] because of pre-existing conditions.[Laughter]

除去心臟病和癌癥的因素，大多數(shù)美國人是自然死亡的。所以如果我當(dāng)選，我會找出一種治愈自然死亡的療法。你們看上去很喜歡這個。但是你們將不可能享受醫(yī)療保險(xiǎn)，因?yàn)橄惹皸l款。（觀眾大笑）

And I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius.[Laughter] It was 100 degrees, now it's 40![Laughter] You are very welcome![Laughter]

我還有解決全球變暖的特效措施。如果我當(dāng)選了，我就把華氏改成攝氏。這樣以前的100度就會瞬間變成40度。（觀眾大笑）

And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.[Laughter] 我也很擅長外交政策，因?yàn)槲襾碜灾袊Ｎ覐奈壹液笤壕涂吹玫蕉砹_斯（觀眾狂笑，這里也隱指Sarah Palin曾經(jīng)說的“我從我家門廊就看得到俄羅斯”）。

I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow.So if elected, I will go with text messaging.[Laughter] I'll text our allies just to say “hi”, [Laughter] and text our enemies when they are driving.[Laughter] “OMG you are building a nuclear weapon? [Laughter] but you're doing it wrong, LOL!” [Laughter][Applause]

我認(rèn)為，單邊主義代價(jià)太高，公開對話又效率太低。如果我當(dāng)選，我會選擇“發(fā)短信”。我會發(fā)給我的盟友，僅僅打著招呼。我會在敵人開車的時(shí)侯給他們發(fā)短信?！疤靺?！聽說你在造核武器？但是你們的做法是不對的！哈哈哈哈（觀眾狂笑，并鼓掌。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用語, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。

I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents ** for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.Thank you so much and have a very good night.Thank ** guy.[Applause]

第二篇：黃西2010年美國記者年會表演的英語稿

Good evening everyone my name is JoeWong.But to most people I am known as WHO?Which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.But joking aside I just want to reassure everyone I am invited here to tonight.I grew up in china, who didn’t?But my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school as part of the curriculum I had to work in a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.My dad was a grumpy guy who occasionally tried to cheer me up with jokes but he doesn’t do it right.When I was seven one day he said to me,“hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?”So five minutes later I said, ‘why?’He said, “Because I said so!”

I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at RICE university Texas, that wasn’t a joke until now…

I was driving a used car with a lot of bumper stickers which was impossible to peel off.One of them said-if you don’t speak English, go home!And uh I didn’t notice for two years.Like many other immigrants we want our son to become the president of the this country, and uh we try to make him bi lingual-you know , Chinese at home and English in public which is really tough to do because many times I had to say to him in public, “hey listen if you don’t speak English, go home!”And he would say to me, “hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?”I said,’ son, once you become president of the United States you have to sign legislative bills in English and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

When I graduated from RICE I decided to stay in the United States because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here…be ethnic!And in order for me to become a US citizen I had to take this American history lessons where they ask us questions like-who is Benjamin franklin?

Were like ahhh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed.What’s the second amendment?

Ahhh…the reason our convenience store gets robbed.What is ROE vs.WADE?Ahhh …two ways of coming to the United States?

Later on I read so much about American history I started to harbor, ‘white guilt”…that is in America They say,” All men are created equal”, but after birth it kind of depends on the parents income for early education and healthcare.I read in , Mens Health Magazine,that president Obama every week has two cardio days and four weightlifting days.You see I don’t have to excursive because I have health insurance.I look at Massatuchets now where we have universal health care..then we elected Scott Brown, talk about mixed messages..I think there was a movie about him that’s called-kill bills!

I amhonored to ahh meet ah vice president JoeBiden heretonight…ahmm I actually read your autobiography and today I see you…I think the book is much better.They should have cast brad Pitt or even anjo;linaJolie

So ahh you guys I am really honored to be here tonight and ah I prepared for months for tonight’s show and ah I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama and that is when he decided not to come.And he started to talk about immigration reforms..take that Stephen Colbert!

And ah President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but ah he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize and he accepted it!…you can’t be more bad ass than that!Well actually I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the Nobel peace prize money and give it to the military…

We have many distinguishedjournalists here tonight whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for the campus newspaper…I think journalism is the last refuge for puns…only in a newspaper can you say things like I was born in the year of the horse and that is why I am a ?

And ah tonight is my first time here on c-span which is a channel I obviously always watch when I can’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching c-span there’s a c-span 2 and c-span3!

So I became a US citizen in 2008… which I am really happy about.Thank you very much.America is number 1, that’s true because um we won the WORLD SERIES ever year.After becoming a US citizen and ah I immediately registered to vote for OBAMA and BIDEN..Your welcome!You had me at,”yes we can!”That was their slogan.So ah after getting OBAMA and BIDEN elected I felt this power trip and ah I started to think maybe I should run for president myself, well I have to take a step back and explain a little bit, you know cuz ah I have always been a morose and pessimistic guy, I felt that ah life is kind of like peeing into the snow on a dark winter night..I probably made a difference but it was hard to tell!

But now we have a president who is half black and half white and it gives me a lot of hope because I am, half not black and half not white two negatives make a positive,you may be saying,”hey what would be your campaign slogan?”You see I spent ten years in the past decade..oh you too? Okay.I understand the American people are suffering so my campaign slogan will be,” WHO CARES?”

If elected I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required…that will get me the youth vote.You see I am married now but I used to be very scared about marriage, I was like, and “Wow 50 % of all marriages end up lasting forever!

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American work force so two people will have to do the work of one.Just like the president and vice president Or the Olsen twins!

Aside from Heart disease and cancer most Americans die of natural causes so if elected president I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one…but it won’t be covered by health insurance though, because of preexisting conditions.And ah I have a quick solution to global warming …I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius …it was 100 degrees now it is forty.You’re very welcome

And uh I am great with foreign policy because I am from china and I can see Russia from my backyard.I believe unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow so if elected I will go with TEXT messaging, I will text our allies just to say hi.And text our enemies…when they are driving.OMG your building a nuclear weapon?…But you’re doing it wrong LOL…

I just wanted to thank radio and TV correspondents’ dinner for having me here tonight.This is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.

第三篇：Joe Wong在美國記者年會的演講

My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.開場先是自嘲下自己默默無聞不為所知，然后利用中英文諧音，再聯(lián)系到信用卡密碼保護(hù)，因?yàn)榫W(wǎng)上注冊時(shí)選擇用于取回密碼的驗(yàn)證問題里，最常見的就是媽媽的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因?yàn)榍耙魂囎影讓m舉行一個活動，美國一對夫妻混過白宮層層保安，裝作是白宮邀請的貴賓，還跟這些政客合影留念并發(fā)到網(wǎng)上，其中就有坐在邊上的副總統(tǒng)Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美國引起很大爭議，白宮的安保問題被質(zhì)疑。

I grew up in China.Who didn’t?

我在中國長大，誰不是呢？裝作無知，認(rèn)為每個人都是中國人，暗諷了一些美國人的自大，以為世界就是美國。

Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生動而夸張的語言形容小時(shí)候生活環(huán)境的惡劣，光速比聲速快，后者跟石頭飛散的速度差不多，就是遠(yuǎn)處一道閃光，幾秒后隆隆爆炸聲伴著小石子飛濺過來。

My dad was a grumpy guy.But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父親脾氣暴躁，毫無邏輯，頤指氣使。5分鐘后是笑點(diǎn)，如此荒謬的問題還想了那么久。這兩段就是夸張描述下自己的童年，因?yàn)楦绹说慕?jīng)歷完全不同，觀眾會因?yàn)樾迈r荒謬而發(fā)笑。

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now.I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.這句是臨場發(fā)揮，效果很好。bumper sticker這個牌子的內(nèi)容和所用的語言本身就是很一個矛盾。

We always wanted my son to become the president.We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in

Chinese!”

此處用到了剛才sticker上的話；委婉表達(dá)了中國是美國的債權(quán)國。

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

我在中國有件事肯定不如在美國，那就是民族性。用同一個答案回答了兩個美國歷史問題，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“誤解”美國的著名墮胎案判例，是一般美國人無法想象的視角。

Later I read a lot about American history.So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.這段看上去很詭異，作為一個黃色人種，怎么會有這種優(yōu)越感，去產(chǎn)生white guilt，實(shí)際上在為后面跟總統(tǒng)比做鋪墊。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance.I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed message!I think there was a movie about him.It’s called “Kill Bill”

這段是一種很微妙的搞笑，如果奧巴馬那天不是臨時(shí)有事，在邊上坐著的話會很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林頓，應(yīng)該指法案。Scott Brown是共和黨人，剛當(dāng)選麻省議員，反對全民醫(yī)保。所以說他kill bill “扼殺了（醫(yī)保）法案”。

We have Mr.vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I have read your autobiography and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美國政客是要被隨時(shí)拿來開涮的，其他的comedian諷刺起來比黃西狠得多。

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers.I once wrote for the campus newspaper.Journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)”

馬叫聲英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是發(fā)出馬叫聲的人，諧音nay-sayer，后者是總說反對意見，投反對票的人，nay這個詞常用在現(xiàn)場口頭投票，如果反對，一般說nay，不說no。在座很多記者，我認(rèn)為是我的同行，還有上面的自炫比奧巴馬優(yōu)越，因?yàn)椴挥媒∩恚际且环N比較難解釋很微妙的幽默，可以理解為對那些自我感覺良好的人的一種諷刺。

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!

PBS有點(diǎn)類似中國的中央電視臺，弘揚(yáng)主旋律為主，QVC是電視購物頻道，所以說這倆的審查和煽動性比較強(qiáng)。明知自己的演講時(shí)CSPAN在直播，但還諷刺一下這個電視臺，美國人很喜歡這么干。CSPAN相當(dāng)于美國國會的監(jiān)控錄像，全天直播國會的各種會議，聽證，剛開始看了新鮮，時(shí)間長了就很無聊。

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event.I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform.Take that Stephen Colbert!Obama has been accused of being too soft.But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it.You can’t get more bad-ass than that!The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.奧巴馬沒到，但也沒忘調(diào)侃一下他，反襯自己寫的那幾個笑話的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因?yàn)閹啄昵暗挠浾哒写龝?dāng)著bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush臉色很難看，勞拉甚至罵了粗口，但就是當(dāng)面很尷尬而已，而我把奧巴馬嚇得都不敢來了，還開始考慮是否該讓這些移民來到美國。相當(dāng)于說：怎么樣Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008.Thank you!America is number one!That’s true!We won the World Series every year!

諷刺了美國國內(nèi)的各種職業(yè)聯(lián)賽冠軍頭銜都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S.citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden.(Turn and face Biden)You are welcome.You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.當(dāng)眾邀功奧巴馬和拜登的當(dāng)選，You had me那句是指，你們的那句Yes we can打動了我。

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself.I have to explain a little here.I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.Now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.Two negatives make a positive，還有下一句的，這次沒說出來，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美國境內(nèi)出生就自動獲得美國國籍，無論父母身份。

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.You too? I understand that Americans are suffering.My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

這個who cares是經(jīng)典，用了一開始說的話，可以理解為hu cares，也就是我關(guān)心大家的疾苦，同時(shí)who cares這個意思也諷刺了一下美國競選的本質(zhì)，宣傳口號是口號，當(dāng)選了也許就不那么關(guān)注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote.You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like:”Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻問題是政治熱點(diǎn)。一半的婚姻是要持續(xù)一生的，正常思維是擔(dān)心兩個人會離婚，這里反向思維，頗有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.不斷地調(diào)侃總統(tǒng)和副總統(tǒng)。Olson twins是著名雙胞胎，童星。曾經(jīng)兩人演一個角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes.If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.pre-existing conditions是指購買醫(yī)療保險(xiǎn)前的身體狀況，保險(xiǎn)公司會相應(yīng)的拒?；蛘咛岣弑ＹM(fèi)。

I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius.It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40!You are welcome!I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.最后一句是去年美國的經(jīng)典，麥凱恩搭檔，阿拉斯加女州長佩林接受采訪被問到有什么外交經(jīng)驗(yàn)時(shí)，說了類似的話，但不是原句。后來經(jīng)喜劇女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿調(diào)侃，這句成為經(jīng)典。

On foreign policy.I believe that unilateralism is too expensive;open dialog is too slow.If elected, I will go with text messaging.I’ll text our allies just to say hi;and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are making nuclear weapons!But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor!This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.最后感謝提到自己的兒子，很溫馨。

第四篇：黃西2010年美國記者年會表演的英語稿

Good evening everyone my name is JoeWong.But to most people I am known as WHO? Which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.But joking aside I just want to reassure everyone I am invited here to tonight.I grew up in china, who didn’t? But my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school as part of the curriculum I had to work in a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they used explosives to break rocks and that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.My dad was a grumpy guy who occasionally tried to cheer me up with jokes but he doesn’t do it right.When I was seven one day he said to me,“hey son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” So five minutes later I said, ‘why?’ He said, “Because I said so!”

I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at RICE university Texas, that wasn’t a joke until now…

I was driving a used car with a lot of bumper stickers which was impossible to peel off.One of them said-if you don’t speak English, go home!And uh I didn’t notice for two years.Like many other immigrants we want our son to become the president of the this country, and uh we try to make him bi lingual-you know , Chinese at home and English in public which is really tough to do because many times I had to say to him in public, “hey listen if you don’t speak English, go home!” And he would say to me, “hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?” I said,’ son, once you become president of the United States you have to sign legislative bills in English and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

When I graduated from RICE I decided to stay in the United States because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here…be ethnic!And in order for me to become a US citizen I had to take this American history lessons where they ask us questions like-who is Benjamin franklin? Were like ahhh, the reason our convenience store gets robbed.What’s the second amendment? Ahhh…the reason our convenience store gets robbed.What is ROE vs.WADE? Ahhh …two ways of coming to the United States? Later on I read so much about American history I started to harbor, ‘white guilt”…that is in America They say,” All men are created equal”, but after birth it kind of depends on the parents income for early education and healthcare.I read in , Mens Health Magazine, that president Obama every week has two cardio days and four weightlifting days.You see I don’t have to excursive because I have health insurance.I look at Massatuchets now where we have universal health care..then we elected Scott Brown, talk about mixed messages..I think there was a movie about him that’s called-kill bills!I am honored to ahh meet ah vice president JoeBiden here tonight…ahmm I actually read your autobiography and today I see you…I think the book is much better.They should have cast brad Pitt or even anjo;linaJolie So ahh you guys I am really honored to be here tonight and ah I prepared for months for tonight’s show and ah I showed the white house my jokes about president Obama and that is when he decided not to come.And he started to talk about immigration reforms..take that Stephen Colbert!And ah President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but ah he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize and he accepted it!…you can’t be more bad ass than that!Well actually I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take the Nobel peace prize money and give it to the military…

We have many distinguishedjournalists here tonight whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for the campus newspaper…I think journalism is the last refuge for puns…only in a newspaper can you say things like I was born in the year of the horse and that is why I am a ? And ah tonight is my first time here on c-span which is a channel I obviously always watch when I can’t stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I still couldn’t fall asleep after watching c-span there’s a c-span 2 and c-span3!So I became a US citizen in 2008… which I am really happy about.Thank you very much.America is number 1, that’s true because um we won the WORLD SERIES ever year.After becoming a US citizen and ah I immediately registered to vote for OBAMA and BIDEN..Your welcome!You had me at,”yes we can!” That was their slogan.So ah after getting OBAMA and BIDEN elected I felt this power trip and ah I started to think maybe I should run for president myself, well I have to take a step back and explain a little bit, you know cuz ah I have always been a morose and pessimistic guy, I felt that ah life is kind of like peeing into the snow on a dark winter night..I probably made a difference but it was hard to tell!But now we have a president who is half black and half white and it gives me a lot of hope because I am, half not black and half not white two negatives make a positive, you may be saying,”hey what would be your campaign slogan?” You see I spent ten years in the past decade..oh you too? Okay.I understand the American people are suffering so my campaign slogan will be,” WHO CARES?”

If elected I will make same sex marriage not only legal but required…that will get me the youth vote.You see I am married now but I used to be very scared about marriage, I was like, and “Wow 50 % of all marriages end up lasting forever!And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American work force so two people will have to do the work of one.Just like the president and vice president Or the Olsen twins!Aside from Heart disease and cancer most Americans die of natural causes so if elected president I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one…but it won’t be covered by health insurance though, because of preexisting conditions.And ah I have a quick solution to global warming …I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius …it was 100 degrees now it is forty.You’re very welcome

And uh I am great with foreign policy because I am from china and I can see Russia from my backyard.I believe unilateralism is too expensive and open dialogue is too slow so if elected I will go with TEXT messaging, I will text our allies just to say hi.And text our enemies…when they are driving.OMG your building a nuclear weapon? …But you’re doing it wrong LOL…

I just wanted to thank radio and TV correspondents’ dinner for having me here tonight.This is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.

第五篇：黃西-美國記者年會演講稿

Good evening, everyone.My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?”“Hu” is actually my mother's maiden name,and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黃西）。但是對很多人來說，聽到我的名字，會問“誰”?Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我媽的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全問題的答案。

But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑歸玩笑，我想讓大家放心我今晚的確是受到邀請來的。（這里是隱指Salah夫婦闖入白宮歡迎晚宴的新聞）

I grew up in China.Who wouldn't?

我在中國長大。誰不是呢？（這是用自己的自大諷刺美國人的自大）

As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound,which is almost as slow as a flying rock.而我童年的所有記憶都被我的童年給毀了。讀小學(xué)的時(shí)候，作為課程的一部分，我要去稻田里勞動，稻田的旁邊是一個采石場，他們用炸藥炸石頭。也就是在那里，我知道了光的傳播速度要比聲音快，而聲音的速度就和石頭飛的速度差不多慢。

My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes.But he doesn't do it right.When I was seven, one day he said to me, “Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?”So, five minutes later, I said, “Why?”He said, “Because I said so!”

我爸爸是個脾氣很怪的人，但偶爾他也想用笑話來逗我玩兒?？墒撬肿霾缓?。我七歲的時(shí)候，有一天他問我，“嘿，兒子，你說為什么豆腐比社會主義計(jì)劃經(jīng)濟(jì)要好？”（風(fēng)馬牛不相及）我想了五分鐘，然后問他“為什么呢？”，他說“因?yàn)槲艺f好就是好！”（笑點(diǎn)在于：豆腐，計(jì)劃經(jīng)濟(jì)以及極端的父權(quán)。豆腐和經(jīng)濟(jì)放在一起本來就沒有可比性，就好像這種“我說了算”的父權(quán)也根本不可理喻，讓人又好氣又好笑）

I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas.That wasn't a joke,until now.我24歲的時(shí)候來到美國，在Texas的Rice University求學(xué)。這不是個笑話，不過現(xiàn)在是了。

And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off.And one of them said, “If you don't speak English, go home!”And I didn't notice it for two years.我當(dāng)時(shí)開了輛二手車，保險(xiǎn)杠上貼了好多貼紙（就類似我們的“熊出沒注意”那種），貼的很牢，就根本不可能撕下來。其中一張寫著“如果你不說英文，就滾回家去”。（，這句話有歧視外來移民的意味）而我兩年后才看到它。

And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country.And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public.Which is really a tough to do, because many timesI had to say to him in public, “Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!”

和很多其他的移民一樣，我們都希望自己的兒子能成為這個國家的總統(tǒng)。于是我們努力讓他們說兩種語言，在家說中文，在外說英文。但操作起來其實(shí)挺困難，很多時(shí)候我不得不在公共場合對他說：“嘿，聽著，如果你不說英文，就滾回家去?！保ㄟ@里說明了該句子是一種教訓(xùn)兒子的口氣）

And he was said to me, “Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

然后他問我：“爸爸，為什么我要學(xué)兩個語言呢？”我就跟他說：“兒子，一旦有一天你成了美國總統(tǒng)，你就必須要用英文來簽署法案，還要用中文跟討債的對話?！保ㄖ袊?dāng)前是美國的最大債主。）

When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.從Rice畢業(yè)后，我決定留在美國。因?yàn)榛刂袊脑?，我有一件事情完全沒有辦法做的比這里更好，那就是我散發(fā)出的異域風(fēng)情。

And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

我為了成為一名美國公民，必須要上美國歷史課，會被問到諸如“誰是本杰明 富蘭克林？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我們便利店遭到搶劫的原因？”（百元美鈔上印著 本杰明 富蘭克林的頭像。）

What's the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?”

“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我們便利店遭到搶劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持槍權(quán)利）

What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, “Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?”

“Roe vs.Wade是什么？”“呃！兩種來美國的途徑？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院關(guān)于墮

胎的經(jīng)典案例。他在這里則是說那些偷渡到美國的人，要不就是通過row a boat（劃船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河對岸（wade是跋涉的意思））

Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.后來我讀了很多的美國歷史，以至于我都開始充滿了白人罪惡感。（white guilt是指白人因?yàn)榕酆谌说臍v史而產(chǎn)生的負(fù)罪感。）

And in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.在美國，大家都說人人生而平等。但是出生后，或多或少要取決于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和醫(yī)療保障。

I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days.You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.我在男人健康雜志里看到，奧巴馬總統(tǒng)每周有兩次有氧鍛煉，四次舉重鍛煉。你們看，我根本不需要鍛煉，因?yàn)槲矣薪】当ｋU(xiǎn)。（這里說醫(yī)保體系給人慵懶意識）

I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed messages!I think there was a movie about him.It's called “Kill Bill”

我現(xiàn)在住在麻省，我們有全面的醫(yī)療保險(xiǎn)。然后我們選了Scott Brown當(dāng)州長。哦，有歧義。我想有一部電影是關(guān)于他的，那就是《殺死比爾》（Kill Bill）。（bill在英文里有議案的意思，這里諷刺這名州長極力反對Obama的醫(yī)保改革方案。）

I'm honored to eh..meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight.em, I actually read autobiography of you, and today I see you.I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.我很榮幸今晚能見到副總統(tǒng)Joe Biden。事實(shí)上，我曾經(jīng)讀過你的自傳。今天見到你了，我覺得書（比本人）要好的多（然后鏡頭就給了副總統(tǒng)，副總統(tǒng)笑的哈開心），他們應(yīng)該請布拉德·皮特來演，或者是安吉麗娜·茱莉。

So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come.And he decide to talk about immigration reforms.Take that Stephen Colbert!

坦率的說，我真的非常榮幸今天能應(yīng)邀來到這里。為了今晚的節(jié)目我也準(zhǔn)備了好幾個月了。我還把關(guān)于奧巴馬總統(tǒng)的笑話給白宮看，于是奧巴馬總統(tǒng)就決定不出席今天的晚會了。他還決定要討論移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert, 給他記上。（Steve是專攻政治人物的政治評論家、主持人，總統(tǒng)總是拿他沒辦法）

And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two

wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize.and he accepted it.You can't be more badass than that.Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.奧巴馬總統(tǒng)經(jīng)常被指責(zé)為過于軟弱。但是他正指揮著兩場戰(zhàn)爭，并且他們還是授予他諾貝爾和平獎。而他也竟然接受了。怎么可能有比這更操蛋的事情。嗯，其實(shí)，我想，唯一可能比這個更操蛋的，就是你接受了諾貝爾和平獎的獎金，然后把它們送給軍隊(duì)。

We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers.Because I used to write for the campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for puns.Only on a newspaper can you see just like, “I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer).”My point exactly.我們這里坐著很多杰出的新聞記者，我把你們看作是我的同行（也有貴族的意思）。因?yàn)槲以?jīng)也給學(xué)校的報(bào)紙寫過文章。我覺得新聞業(yè)是雙關(guān)語最后的陣地了。因?yàn)橹挥性趫?bào)紙上你才能看到類似于“我是屬馬的，所以你知道為什么我總是像馬一樣叫（唱反調(diào)）?！保绹诵稳蓠R叫的象聲詞是neigh，發(fā)音和nay一樣，nay-sayer是總要唱反調(diào)的人）我表達(dá)的很準(zhǔn)確。

And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC.If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN,there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3.Thank you very much!

今晚是我第一次出現(xiàn)在C-span頻道，通常當(dāng)我無法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹與煽動時(shí)我就會看這個頻道（PBS的節(jié)目以主觀著稱，QVC則是購物頻道）。如果我看了C-span還是睡不著，那還有C-span 2套和3套（C-span頻道是國會辯論轉(zhuǎn)播頻道）。非常感謝！

So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about.oh, Thank you very much!eh.America is number one!That's true!cause we won the World Series every year!

2008年，我正式成為了美國公民，為此我感到很高興。謝謝。美國是最牛的。這是真的，因?yàn)槲覀兠磕陼A世界職業(yè)棒球大賽（只有美國、加拿大的球隊(duì)參加。）

After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden.You are welcome.You had me at “Guess we can”.That was their slogan.成為美國公民之后，我立刻就登記了大選，并投給了奧巴馬和拜登。（他回頭看著拜登，對拜登說）不用謝。你們的口號“猜想我們可以”征服了我。這是他們的口號。（此處故意將“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）

So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.所以，當(dāng)奧巴馬成為總統(tǒng)的時(shí)候，我感覺到了一股力量，我自己在想，我是不是也應(yīng)該去競選總統(tǒng)！

Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit.Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night.You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.好吧，我多解釋一下。我其實(shí)一直是一個憂郁并且悲觀的人。我覺得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能確實(shí)做得不一樣，但你真的很難說出來。

But now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white.Two negatives make a positive.但是現(xiàn)在我們有了一位半黑半白的總統(tǒng)。這給了我很大的希望。因?yàn)槲乙话氩缓谝话胍膊话?。雙重否定更加肯定。（，Obama母親是白人，父親是黑人移民）

You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.Oh, you too? ok.So, I understand that American people are suffering.So, my campaign slogan will be, “Who cares?”(Hu Cares)

你或許會問：“嘿，那你的競選口號是什么？”你看，過去的90年代里我度過了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美國人所經(jīng)歷的痛苦。所以，我的競選口號將會是“Hu Cares”（此處又是Who-Hu的諧音，Hu Cares：“胡關(guān)心你”Who Cares：“誰在乎你”。）

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!

如果我當(dāng)選，我不但會讓同性戀結(jié)婚合法，還會讓它必須。

That will give me the youth vote.You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage.I was like, “Wow!50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

這會幫助我贏得年輕人的選票。你看我已經(jīng)結(jié)婚了。但我過去對婚姻是非?？謶值?。我想：“哇，50％的婚姻結(jié)局是大家要在一起一輩子?！?/p>

And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce.So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president,or the Olson twins.我也會通過降低美國工人的生產(chǎn)率來消滅這個國家的失業(yè)。所以必須讓兩個人做一個人能做的事，就好像總統(tǒng)與副總統(tǒng)，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她們是雙胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起設(shè)計(jì)服裝）。

And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes.So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes.You seem to like that one.But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know.because of pre-existing conditions.除去心臟病和癌癥的因素，大多數(shù)美國人是自然死亡的。所以如果我當(dāng)選，我會找出一種治

愈自然死亡的療法。你們看上去很喜歡這個。但是你們將不可能享受醫(yī)療保險(xiǎn)，因?yàn)橄惹皸l款。

And I have a quick solution for global warming.I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius.It was 100 degrees, now it's 40!You are very welcome!

我還有解決全球變暖的特效措施。如果我當(dāng)選了，我就把華氏改成攝氏。這樣以前的100度就會瞬間變成40度。

And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.我也很擅長外交政策，因?yàn)槲襾碜灾袊Ｎ覐奈壹液笤壕涂吹玫蕉砹_斯?。ㄟ@里也隱指Sarah Palin曾經(jīng)說的“我從我家門廊就看得到俄羅斯”）。

I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow.So if elected, I will go with text messaging.I'll text our allies just to say “hi”,and text our enemies when they are driving.“OMG you are building a nuclear weapon?but you're doing it wrong, LOL!”

我認(rèn)為，單邊主義代價(jià)太高，公開對話又效率太低。如果我當(dāng)選，我會選擇“發(fā)短信”。我會發(fā)給我的盟友，僅僅打著招呼。我會在敵人開車的時(shí)侯給他們發(fā)短信?！疤靺?！聽說你在造核武器？但是你們的做法是不對的！哈哈哈哈。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用語, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。

I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents ** for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing.Thank you so much and have a very good night.Thank ** guy.